Im the Queen!

As many of you know I have started driving lessons. Some of my big fear were will I hit anyone? Will anyone hit me? Will I throw up on the instructor? Fortunately I did not do any of these things. The instructor was really nice. He got in the car with me (brave man) and drove me to a not so busy area but as this is Manhattan that phrase is relative.

He had me get behind the wheel turn the key and suddenly I was covered in sweat. Not just a little sweat but flop sweat. The kind of sweat that soaks you from head to toe. My hand kept slipping off the wheel and I had to keep wiping the torrential downpour out of my eyes to see. My poor instructor pretended not to notice as he had me drive around and around the block stepping on his break every few minutes when I missed stop signs and red lights through the downpour of my own fear.

It was sexy let me tell you.

On Saturday it was time for my next lesson. It was new instructor as I guess the old one was ummm. lets call it sick? This instructor was fearless. He greeted me with a smile and said:

Here you go This isn't my car so hit something if you want to I don't care.

Something me sprung to life. Before I knew it I was cruising down the street at 30 miles and hour. I was doing 3 point turns. I was singing along to the radio and cutting off taxis. I was amazing. I was a driving queen.

There was a moment when I almost hit a woman but she totally deserved it as she walked in the back of my car when I was in reverse doing my three point turn.

So watch out you pedestrians, bike messengers and taxis Suzie the Queen of Cars is behind the wheel!

Today I Drive

Today I am taking my first driving class. I'm not feeling very confident about it. In fact I woke up several times in a hot sweat thinking about crashing into things.

What really made me nervous was when I was in Philly last week (my excuse for going MIB all last week) I had an experience at Chuckie Cheese that really shook my confidence. For all you foreigners out there Chuckie Cheese is a place for kids that has lots of games and rides for kids and uses a big rat for its mascot (it is as horrible as it sounds). Anyway I was at C.C. eating pizza and pretending my fruit punch in a plastic cup with a rat on it was really a dry gin martini in a clean martini glass when my son approached.

Lets play a driving game mommy Ill teach you to dive.

Apparently my son is a consummate driver who will teach me the ropes if I panic.

What could it hurt I thought. I gripped that wheel put in my coins and took my shiny yellow car driven by my avatar a big busted, blond haired, gal out for a drive. When it began I was whistling a happy tune by the end I could barely pucker.

Yes, by the time the game was over I was covered in sweat and my shiny new yellow car was nothing but a smoldering wreck. Don't even ask about my avatar she wouldn't have spoken to me if she could. But since she was trapped in the fiery wreckage I can only imagine her wrestling with her broken bones to flip me the bird before she became one with the computer cosmos.

I looked over and my son was jumping up and down clapping he had come in first place his avatar was waving a winner flag and his beautiful red car was shiny and proud.

So if today you hear about a ten car pile up in NYC caused by a student driver please don't tell my avatar I know she'll gloat.

A Letter To My Bod

Dear Body:

You have been a good body Ive been really pleased about our relationship. You breathe you eat and make it possible for me to do everything I need to do in the course of a day. Remember that time we went to the beach...it was all thanks to you. You body are to be commended.

Lately I've noticed you are beginning to hmmm.. whats a nice way to put it..fall apart. I'm not sure who gave you the fall apart message perhaps it was that nasty 5th vertebrae (she's always causing problems) or maybe someone told you this year we would be turning 40.

Contrary to popular belief 40 does not mean one has to fall to pieces. It is not necessary to tell hair follicles to fall out. It's not par for the course to cause us to end up in the hospital in abdominal pain. Neither do you need to give into to migraines, excessive gas, incontinence, scumming to gravity in important and unflattering areas,wrinkling, hemorrhoids or anything else you may associate with the dreaded four zero.

It is my great hope that we will have many many long years left together. I would love to see the world and body it would be my greatest dream to have you there with me. So do me a favor ignore the big four zero its just a number and not a message of destruction and please tell the 5th vertebrae to get a life.

Love,
Suzie

Post Cards From the Hospital

Some people know how to vacation. They go to Peru or Bornio. Some people prefer Disney or Universal. I however being the unique soul that I am I choose the hospital. Yes the last few days I have been in the hospital throwing up blood and experiencing what can only be described as labor without the wonderful little present at the end.

Wednesday I woke up in the middle of the night feeling as though fairies were pulling my spleen out of my toenails. After a fun filled night of moaning and scaring my husband into an early grave I went to the doctor who quickly sent me to the emergency room. From there I was admitted into the hospital from hell for a fun filled night of injections in the stomach being poked in places even my husband would not dare to go and lemon flavored jello ((shudder)).

I wont bore you with all the details but suffice it to say that Beth Israel is one horrible hospital. And after being poked and prodded and cat scanned and dog scanned the doctor followed by a team of groveling interns said So what do you think is wrong with you?

I laughed and then realized he was serious and staring at this bunch of incompetents I answered My doctorate is in Education Administration ask me whats wrong with a school I can tell you but reading a cat scan is not my speciality.

The doctor and his gang looked disappointed they shrugged their shoulders and moved on to ask another patient to analyze a brain scan.

So according to dopey sneezy and doc I either have an ulcer, gal stones, food poisoning, an alien abduction that went wrong, or a hang nail.

Either way someone owes me a trip to Disney World.

Give Me Back My Candy!

On Friday in my preschool graduation anxiety I bought a candy bar. Not any candy bar but a Hershey bar. I have to be in the right mood to eat them but when I am they are just so good. I ate a few bites and put it away in my draw for another day. You never know when a chocolate bar could come in handy. All weekend I thought about that bar. I knew Monday morning if I wanted to I could walk in my office at 7am and eat the whole thing.

On Monday I came into my office and there on my desk was a wrapper. A brown crumpled up wrapper. Yes, someone had eaten my candy bar. At first I was ok with it. NO biggy. I could have had other things stolen I mean a candy bar is not much to loose. But as the week has gone on (yes I know it is only Tuesday) I have gotten more resentful about that bar.

I mean I could be eating its delicious chocolatiness right now. But no! Some lunatic bursts into my office over the weekend and steals my little piece of joy. What mean nasty person does a thing like that. Its my candy bar! Not theirs! I am trying not to let my obsession grow but now I want to find this person. I want to find out what kind of heartless meany would do such a thing. I will not rest until I have found the culprit. I will not cease until I have caught the evil dooer and brought them to cholatey justice!

On the flip side B's graduation was great. Here's a picture. Isn't he cute?



and here is an empanada (as some of you were not familiar with its flaky crust and its yummy meat or cheese filling)

and here is a picture of a chocolate bar

cute as well but please note the chocolate bar is not holding a diploma and does not have a flaky crust or a yummy meat or cheese filling..

Poor chocolate bar....

I may be a little obsessed

My Own Little Panic Attack

Today is B's preschool graduation. Not only is my little boy graduating but I as director I am helping run the thing.

Last night as I sat on the couch watching I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here which is now my favorite show on TV. (I mean seeing Janice Dickinson steal granola bars and urinate in camp has to be one of the most brilliant forms of entertainment ever created.) I began to wonder what dish I should bring to the graduation should I order a pizza or make empanadas?

It was no longer a simple choice it was THE choice. I found I could no longer breath. My heart raced. I began to mumble pizza no empanada.

I mean kids love pizza right and grown ups love empanadas the choice was staggering and before I knew it I was hyperventilating. I knew if I didn't make the right choice the empanada demons would take over the world and the pizza that I ordered would have saved all the inhabitants of earth. My husband turned to me and with a wild look of concern on his face. I clutched at my throat and gurgled pizza.

Yes I was having a full panic attack over what to bring to the graduation.

You would think with the state of the world today fiances being what it was I would find something sensible to have a panic attack over but no, being the overachiever I am I decided to go full panic out on graduation.

Honey my Hubby assured me I will bring the food calm down its all gonna be fine.

No I gasped its not its not

And before I knew it I was boo-hooing over little B going to kindergarten. My little baby leaving his mommies school and going into the big public school. I saw tests and bullies and detention in his future and began to wail. My hubby grabbed the vodka and assured me he would be fine and keep repeating he would order the pizza.

After a big cocktail and some onion dip visualizations I was breathing a little easier as Janice climbed into a glass cage filled with alligators.

I might be ok now but don't blame me if your day is cut short by wild hoards of empanada demons. You've been warned.

I'm Back!

I'm back. Did you miss me? The trip was great lots of sunshine and deck chairs. Lots of fatty foods and frozen drinks. And the crowning glory , child care! Ahh that was the life.

But now I am back and normal life comes flying at you faster than a baby on a greased sit and spin.

So to really get a good does of reality I went to sign up for driving lessons. It was a brave move on my part since I've never been comfortable with the idea of driving. I always crash those electronic driving game into the wall or run someone over in the first two minutes. But I made a promise to myself that I will learn how to drive in the next three months. So I swallowed my fear and went to sign up at the driving school. Of course I asked lots of questions like are their duel controls for me and the driver? Will the teacher yell at me? How many people crash while learning?

The woman was very nice and answered all of my questions and then said to me:

I know how hard it is for middle aged woman to learn how to drive? Middle aged woman always ask questions like that.

WHAT?!?!

WHAT DID SHE SAY!?!

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN! ME? WHAT THE...!?!

Suddenly my fear of driving was the least of my worries I was now a middle aged woman. I guess I saw it coming people no longer calling me miss and the dreaded Ma'am rearing its ugly head. The reduction of cat calls while passing construction sites. The rechecking if its mammogram time at the doc. It all lead here to the first time I have been called middle aged.

Suddenly there I was a middle aged woman standing in a driving school. It was awful it was unpleasant and worst of all it was the truth (I think how old is middle aged anyway? Isn't it 50 now. I mean jeepers I'm only 39! Still a spring chicken still in my thirties at least for another few months. Whats wrong with that chick anyway who says things like that! That's it I'm taking my toys and going home!)

I should have never come back from vacation.

Im Going On A Trip!

So I am ready to go on vacation to Club Med for a week. How do I know? These are my subtle clues:

I just slammed my head into a door and I am here at my desk typing with a big slab of butter and salt on my head. (Apparently its an old remedy to stop my head from swelling some of the teachers applied to my head with glee.)

A bug flew into my eye this morning causing terrible pain and lots of snickering.

I didn't sleep at all last night partly due to everyone having bad dreams in shifts and partly due to my own bad dreams about airports and screaming children.

I have bronchitis and sound so much like Darth Vader I'm sure they will kick me off the plane for spreading the Swine Flu.

Yes As you night have guessed I am not the best traveler. I have nightmare about planes and the smallest amount of turbulence sends me into a fit and I attract disaster and door frames in the days leading up to a trip but I am going. And I am going to have fun. I better after all this.

My goal is to make it through the rest of today without loosing a limb or a vital organ and hopefully I will see you all in a weeks time.

The DMV Strikes Again

Well I did it. I now have a learners permit.

I walked into that DMV held held high...well not too high as they might recognize me from the other two times I was escorted out of the DMV. Presented my 15 different types of ID including my library card, cable bill and an offer for a 0% interest credit card from Herbie's Bank and Chicken wings shack and took my test. It was nerve wracking but I sat in my little desk and answered questions about stop signs and yielding and other driving stuff. I waited for the results and then was called to the counter to be told yes indeed I had passed.

I screamed with joy hugged the clerk who almost called security and ran out clutching my new leaner's permit. It may have taken me two tries, being thrown out twice and being told I didn't have enough ID over and over and over again but I did it. I ran gleefully to the elevator when three things stopped me cold :

1. I had just passed a test many 15 year old pass on the first time (it took me two tries Dr. Suzie!). I can hear the jokes now"Oh is it your 16 birthday today I must have forgot."

2. If I passed the actual test I was likely to become every ones personal driver. Oh Mommy could you drive me to soccer? Mom can I go to the mall? Mommy can you drive down town and bail me out of jail it wasn't my fault I swear!

3. If I went to a wedding or party I would likely become the designated driver and never be able to drink and have fun again. Hey Suzie a tequila shot accidentally fell into my mouth i guess your gonna have to drive the three hours back to NYC.

This little piece of paper was no longer my triumph it was a stupid move a dumb move one that would haunt me for all time. First I should have never learned to cook. Second I should have never started cleaning ever. I should have lived in filth until someone other than me learned to clean. The one thing I had going for me was not knowing how to drive and now silly me silly know it all Suzie was now going to do it all.

I hate you DMV! It's all your fault!
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By the way thank you all for your kind thoughts. Having my bloggy friends support is such a wonderful thing. I know this death will take a long time to come to terms with but having a place to vent and laugh is such a valuable thing.