And It Still Goes On and On

Its so hard to blog these days. You would think all these weeks later things would have calmed down on the meningitis front but they haven't. My staff is still being nuts every day there is a new freak out. The Department of Health has been getting calls from random staff members every few days alleging all types of things which means constant random inspections at work. Every day the stress continues and gets worse. Since Little B has been in the hospital I don't think there has been one day where the stress hasn't been out of control. The staff thinks I am lying to them about calling the DOH they think I have inside info I am not sharing. It's out of control and I have no idea what to do anymore. Its crazy!

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for my child being sick. The meningitis germ is not my pal who I invited to invade my sons body. I am just a gal who had a sick son and now is put in the very uncomfortable place of being the villain. I have no idea why.

I think as bosses go I am a very nice one. I believe that since work is where you spend most of your time if its not fun then it means life is not fun. I have tried to create an open and inviting environment where peoples voices are heard and people laugh. Maybe that was my mistake this type of craziness would never happen at McDonald's.

I tried to follow Mark's Salinas's advice about picking a special hour to worry and setting that hour aside for worries instead of letting it take over all the time but its really hard these days as I feel I am being attacked constantly at every angle. I am trying to remember to breath and I know or I hope this will all be just a bitter memory months from now.

More Worries and Cello

Part of my job is to go see all the local elementary schools so I know what to recommend to parents about their kids continuing education. Today I went on a tour of one of the local public schools. It was a great school. It emphasized the arts and parent involvement blah blah blah. During the whole tour I kept thinking Little B starts kindergarten next year....wait! Your not taking my little boy you vultures! He's my baby he's not going here! NO WAY!!! (He's actually not. Were not zoned for that school but you get the idea)

Little B has aways been by my side. I have always been the one responsible for his education. As the head of his school I could sneak in a hug or a kiss all day long. I've even wiped a butt or two during a normal school day. Walking those halls and imagining him there made me think of my own schools days.

(Scene goes up on little Suzie with a feathered Dorthy Hamel do wearing no name jeans and a paisley shirt made of some very scratchy material)

When I was a kid it was the 70's Fara was the rage and Brooke Shield's liked to wear her jeans naked. All the girl loved their designer jeans and their bonnie bell lip gloss. I was never into stuff like that. I like reading, singing to ABBA (It was the 70's OK?) and sneaking cigarettes on my families roof . I played cello. As I did not have a wide group of friends I named my cello Orville and used to put hats on him and talk to him on the school bus. (Oh yes I was a really popular gal). Instead of the children finding my quirks endearing they instead expressed their love of me through nailing during dodge ball in gym class and making me sit alone during lunch time.

I want my kids to be happy and to love school. I don't want them eating alone or being called stinky stinky Suzie (oh wait maybe that's my hang up). Maybe this is all my hang up kids need to be independent..right...they need to find their wings, soar to the sky, leave the nest, find their own kabob. But I'm not ready. I have more butts to wipe before my big boy opens his own pinata and becomes a little man. Ahhhh!!!!

My Pod Kids

I don't know how or why it happened but both children were good last night. Really good. It was wonderful but strange and creepy at the same time. As they gathered around my lap listening to stories and holding each others hands I felt a chill. Were they waiting until I was lulled into a false sense of security before they attacked one another with sippy cups and tried to stick things in the dogs ears? Who had replaced my children with these sweet pod children? Maybe it was aliens. It had to be aliens. But Little B put socks on his sisters feet to keep the chill off before bed and Little S kissed her brother as they were tucked into bed. I kept waiting for the other foot to drop. I kept waiting for the blue ice to fall out of a passing airplane but it was a very nice evening.

Until....

2am

Why is 2am the hour when all children throw up, develop horrible rashes, or freak out? I have not been granted the answer to this question but my children certainly signed on for the 2am slot. At 2am Little B started to wail. This woke up Little S who also started to wail. I began to yell for Hubby as it was technically his shift. Hubby did not wake up he gave me a sleep induced thumbs up rolled over and began to snore. I was on my own and my yelling caused the dog to freak out and bark. It was fun, fun, fun! When I could finally make out what was wrong over all the noise it turned out B's mouth hurt. I don't know what all that was about but apparently 10 min of the Superfriends and an ice pop seemed to do the trick.

I went back to bed assured in the knowledge these were indeed my children and they had not been replaced by any pod kids.

Phew..I'm relieved

Or am I?

You Just Gotta Laugh

I'm usually a 5 day a week posting kind of gal but the last few weeks have been so crazy blogging has not been on the top ten list (collective gasp). I know I know...I just feel like I've been just going from crisis to crisis this year. I am tired I'm not sleeping and surprisingly my diet has flown out the window. My Dad's advice on just about everything keep flowing through my head, "Stop taking yourself too seriously." I think a few Twinkies might help me take myself a lot less seriously but then it would just be the sugar talking.

So I am going to work hard on trying to take myself and these situations a little less seriously. I'm gonna try to see the humor in things again. I'm gonna try to stop worrying so damn much about things I cannot control. Then I am going to build a giant windmill, loose 30 pounds and win lotto.

No but really I've gotta do something since I wont take anti depressants while nursing and total amnesia seems to be in short supply. I began last night Little B had an asthma attack (yes he has asthma why shouldn't he just add it to the stress list) as I loaded the nebulizer I found myself laughing inappropriately. My poor hubby looked freaked out like he was decided whether or not he should call the guy in the white coats. But if it takes laughing at bad moments to de-stress I am gonna do it. If the people at work want to walk out then they can just walk out. I am not in control of any of these things so what will happen will happen. Tomorrow I will post a humor post unless the ceiling falls in on me, I grow another head or I loose a toe or something. Hey the way things have been going lately I wouldn't be surprised.

And On and On It Goes

I had hoped to have a quiet holiday. My plan was to take my kids to synagogue followed by dropping them off at school and having a little R&R with my hubby. It was such a good good plan but it was not to be.

One of the teachers developed a very bad headache and was admitted into the hospital. She called one of the teachers and said they were testing her for (among other things) meningitis. The teachers became panicked and began staging a walk out. I ran to the school and tried to explain once again that even though the virus which is like a cold is contagious but the meningitis is not. This is the same conversation I had at my sons bedside in the hospital. But they said having my children there was contaminating everyone.

I called the Department of Health and had them explain my children were not contagious and once again talk to them about viral meningitis. They would not hear it. It was like a modern day witch hunt where my children where the ones being thrown on the pire. It was crazy.

At one point I broke down and started crying it didn't seem to matter to them at all. They seemed stuck in this ignorance where the facts where irrelevant and only their fear mattered. I had the DOH (Department of Health) several pediatricians and my child's doctor in the hospital explain things to them but they could only hear their fear. One teacher even called the DOH to verify that I didn't have a friend pose as a DOH official. It was unbelievable. It was a mob mentality and it was directed at my kids and myself. It was terrible and just very very ugly.

Silly me I thought people stood behind you in times of trouble. I thought co-workers supported each other when children get horribly sick. Instead they seem out to save there own skin even when there is no danger. My son was dying of dehydration not viral meningitis and that can happen with any illness. I would not bring my child to school with a deathly illness. Why would I?

Of course in the end the teacher did not have meningitis.

I however think I am on the verge of a breakdown.

Valium Please

Its wonderful and strange little B is back at school with me. A few days ago he was at deaths door today he is running around like a lunatic and playing with his friends. Its amazing how fast he has recovered. He still has blinding head aches at night but the doctor assures us they should be gone very soon.

While Little B seems to bionic I find I am not. I am exhausted. I have such dark circled under my eyes it is alarming and I feel like I could cry or yell at the drop of a hat. I have gained several pounds from the greasy hospital food and I cant seem to concentrate at all. I keep hoping getting back into a routine will help. Of course the holidays are this week so our routine will be anything but normal but I find we have a lot to pray about this year.

At Rosh hashanah there is time where they take people who have faced death this year and they gather them under taleets (prayer cloths) and say a special prayer for them. I never really noticed this until 9/11/01 where they had so many people gathered underneath the cloths that they had to get extra helpers to hold all the clothes. It was heart breaking. This year when I think of bringing B under that cloth my heart breaks again. I cant believe we nearly lost him. I cant imagine a world without him.

He's Home

Its been a terrible few days. Its all been a big blur of hospitals and terror. But Little B is home.

We nearly lost him. When I took him to the hospital he was non responsive he screamed in pain when touched and I grabbed him and ran through the streets covered in a blanket with no shoes and tried to grab a cab. The streets where blocked with UN traffic I thought he would die in the cab. He couldn't turn his head the light from the TV hurt and he couldn't open his eyes. His breathing became labored the driver shouted at me to run with him which I did.

When we got to the hospital they took him right in. We were next to a gun shot victim who screamed and screamed. Little B did not move or respond. They did a spinal tap the pain of which tore my hear out and within the hour the diagnosis came it was meningitis.

My hubby came and did not leave his side for the next three days. I went home to take care of little S.

I arrived at the hospital the next day to find B sitting upand feeling a little better. It was amazing but we were not out of the woods. He had boughts of pain so badly I just held him while he screamed.

Then the phone started ringing it was work. They were in a panic I was yelled at by my boss and treated so badly I still cannot wrap my head around the insensitivity. Sitting by my sons bedside I had to do a telephone conference. It was outrageous. The place I put in 9 years of love and caring and hard work treated me like...well you know.Im still trying to sort through all of that.

We were put in a isolation ward for three days. People had to suit up in scrubs mask and gloves to come see us. I still have no idea what his doctor looked like. Suddenly on the third day when we were cleared (his form of meningitis was not contagious) we were released.

Last night I went to bed with all my family under one roof. It was heaven. But at 11pm the screaming started again. The pain is terrible still but I am told it should lesson each day.

I cant believe this all happened. Your support was and is amazing. When I came home from the hospital and saw all those comments it helped me get through some very long nights.If it wasnt for my family and my wonderful hubby and all of you I have no idea how I would have gotten through it all. Thank you so much.