Friday, January 30, 2009

Not At All Wordless Friday

Since yesterday was such a bad day I thought I would post about something that is near and dear to my heart.


I love him so.

Ok I hear you saying yuck but your wrong. No yucky guy could do this

In case you dont know this guy he is Sportacus the lead hot guy in the kids show Lazy Town. At first I didnt notice him. All I heard was the singing and general high pitched sounds that acompany kids shows but then he did a flip and I was hooked.

Ahh Sportacus. Its been so long since I've seen you. I think they have moved your time slot. Its been too long since I have gazed upon your bulding bisept.

Sponge Bob will never be able to hold a candle to you

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Walk

This morning B woke up with a big smile on his face.

Mommy he announced I am going to walk to school today.

Terrific I thought. I have a 50 pound bag of sand to bring to school (Yes I have big bags of sand in my apartment.) I can finally get rid of it and bring it to school in the stroller.

B put on his red car boots.

Mommy I am going to wear my boots and walk all the way to school


So I get them dressed they eat breakfast while talks about his monumental trip 6 blocks to school.

They put on their coats

I put baby S in the stroller

I put the 50 pound bag of sand in the stroller

were off

As we reach the corner B begins to cry.

Mommy I don't want to walk anymore

Sweety you're doing a great job and I have a 50 pound bag of sand in there. You'll have to walk


Sweetie, please walk I can't carry a 50 pound bag of sand and push the stroller

I don't want to walk! ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

B you need to calm down

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I don't wanna walk! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

B please


OK I'm counting to ten

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I don't wanna walk! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

People walk by and shake their heads. I feel the need to shout "You handle it then Mr or Mrs. Perfect Parent cause I'm trying my best!" But I don't.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I don't wanna walk! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

I try to breath slowly while pushing the incredible heavy stroller dragging along my hysterical child and try very hard not to:

scream (I wanna I really wanna)
freak out (which I am..inside)
slap him upside his head (which would be bad but very satisfying)

Mommmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

B I start to get a little louder. Cut it out. Its not far to school

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I don't wanna walk! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!


He pauses looks at me looks at the stroller....

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I don't wanna walk! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Mommmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

I think I'm done having children. Two is my max

Check please

I just thought I'd add this in as I am feeling a bit needy right now.

I don't know what it is but I am really loosing it today. I don't know if it was the walk with my rotten I mean lovely son or work stress but today I just wanna cry or scream. Every time I turn around it seems to be another crisis and I've had it. I want to run away and pull the covers up.

I'm upset

I'm sad

I'm very stressed out

Just thought I'd complain.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Oh NO! Not Another Meme

I have been tagged. I'm not a good meme person. I tend to take the awards and run but since I've been tagged with this thing repeatedly I thought I would do it.

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. If I didn't it's probably because I just didn't feel like bothering you. (p.s. I didn't write this.)

  1. I have a cut on my finger that is driving me crazy. I have covered it with several Dora Band aids but it has not helped.
  2. I keep a switch blade in the draw by my bed. Its true I do. You never know when you can foil an alien abduction. So I am prepared
  3. I like eggs but they creep me out a little. I always feel like I may end up munching on a baby chicken.
  4. I used to be really scared of statues. Especially Greek and Roman ones. I'm better now
  5. I love the number 5. Its even hidden in the tattoo on my shoulder.
  6. I have a cut on another finger it does not have a band aid on it cause I'm tough.
  7. I was signed up to be on the space shuttle. They took me off the list when I turned thirty. It hurt.
  8. I feel I am slowly turning into my mother.
  9. I am addicted to chap stick. Its embarrassing. I can't seem to get through a conversation without lathering the stuff on.
  10. I also have a cut on my hand. It hurts too. Once again no band aid. Your impressed right?
  11. The only time I've been away from the kids over night was when I was in labor with my second baby.
  12. I've have had some spicy fantasies about Sporticus from Lazy Town. He's HOT!!!!
  13. I don't know how to drive
  14. I'm going to learn how to drive this year. If I can find my social security card, renew my passport and pass the test.
  15. I've never been on a motorcycle.
  16. I love to read crap. Paranormal Romance is my drug of choice.
  17. Geese make me nervous. They are really big and I feel like if one runs at you they all will and you will be doomed!
  18. I hate Swiss cheese
  19. The band aid on my finger is wet and its not really helping much.
  20. I am a good cook. I am! Don't look at me that way. Its just that sometimes I choose not to be.
  21. I smoked for 10 years now even the smell makes me want to hurl.
  22. I am very good at dreaming. If there was a contest for the best dream maker upper it would be me and I would win the prize.
  23. Mirrors creep me out. I am always afraid my reflection is doing its own thing or someone else will be looking back at me.
  24. I am sure I wont think of 25 things boy 25 is a whole lot of stuff to think of. I think 24 is pretty impressive.
  25. I did it 25!!!! Last fact... umm...I love dry gin martinis!!!!
  26. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
So that is my list and here is my award.

And here are the people that are going to groan and say, "Oh no not a meme. Arghhhhhhh"

Tag you're it!
The Mrs.
Kristin H
Erin, Nick and Merrick
Queen-Size funny bone
Kate Coveny Hood
Not Your Aunt Bea
My Wonderful Men
Rebecca Ramsey

Monday, January 26, 2009

Juggs, Boobies and Bosom

My son has become obsessed with my boobs. He wants to look touch and talk about them all the time. I have no idea why. I know I am one sexy mama but really this is nuts.

When he was younger he was a non discriminate boob feeler. He would toddle around and suddenly it was like someone turned on a large magnet. His little hand would fly across the room making a B line for the closet pair of boobies he could find. It was embarrassing but since he was so cute he'd get giggles and some awws. Luckily this habit stopped around two when the sticky finger factor began to loose its charm.

Or so I thought.

Now being with him is like being on a date in high school. I am constantly fending off the roaming hand. We are sitting down watching TV he snuggle up he gets closer and closer until I feel a little hand slowly worming its way down my shirt. I pull his hand out. I talk to him about boundaries he nods looks serious and then a few minutes later I feel that cold little hand again stealing down my top.

The conversations are also a little uncomfortable. We were walking down the street and he said Lets run Mommy. Oh wait you cant your boobies are too big. Or as he shouted out in Wallgreens the other day. Mommy I love your boobies!

Thanks babe.

I hope this is not setting the tone for the rest of his life. I can imagine him running up the tab on magazines like jugs and big boobie web sites. I'm sure he'll be a regular at Hooters. But the ones I feel really sorry for are his future girlfriends. They'll need to wear steal tops and spikes if they want to go out with my son and his roaming hands.

One things for certain though I'm sure they'll be stacked.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Meatloaf From Hell

I cook just about every night. When we had no kids I would cook once a week. It was a big event. I would buy a great cut of meat research new and exciting recipes and create a romantic and wonderful meal. Since LAK (life after kids) I cook most nights. I have a rotating bunch of recipes that are quick and easy and everyone seems to like. But one night a week I make my meatloaf. When I make my meatloaf I am greeted with comments such as:

I hate this!

This is yucky!

Oh no not meatloaf!

My Hubby smiles but when he sees my meatloaf his eyes go dead. Its as if my meatloaf has sucked the soul right out of him.

Why you may ask do I make this pathos inducing meatloaf? I guess the simple reason is its easy and we can all eat the leftovers the next day. (Yes there is two days of soul sucking meatloaf night.)

I guess the other reason is I HATE COOKING EVERY DAY!!!! Maybe I am secretly punishing everyone for making me cook after a long days work. Why is it my job? Who made me the cook cleaner and everything else? Maybe someone else who doesn't make the meatloaf from hell weekly should learn how to cook.

So in order to spread the evil specter of sadness that is my meatloaf I thought I would pass along my recipe.

Suzie's Soul Sucking Meatloaf
1 pound of clinically depressed ground chicken
1 small sad little onion
1/4 of a cup of heartbroken red pepper
1 lonely egg
lots of despondent ketchup
plenty of dejected bread crumbs
and a good dash of grief stricken worcestershire sauce and some pensive soy sauce

Grab and knife and sigh be sure to suppress sob as you chop and saute the onions and peppers
slap everything in a chipped and ugly bowl (be sure to mutter under your breath as you do this)
knead slop with hands while complaining bitterly about cooking
put into a greased meatloaf pan while shaking head and slowly with feeling
top with ketchup, bread crumbs and some Parmesan cheese
add tears if available
cook at 400 for 20 min
use time to mutter and complain quietly
put in broiler to crisp top for last 10 min
serve while hot and despondent

Watch the soul sucking fun begin

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

We Interupt This Blog

I have gotten really into Facebook these days. I know I originally hated it but now I'm hooked.

We interrupt this blog post for fast breaking news story from Suzie's school:

It has been reported that one of the parents came to school this morning to drop off her two kids aged two and 10 months. The mother bent down to take her baby out of the carrier she was wearing when her two year old came running over and bent in as to give the baby a kiss. Instead of a kiss he took his brothers nose in his mouth and sucked up all the snot from his brothers nose . As he ran away laughing he was seen licking his lip in triumph. This was followed by mass gagging and shouts of Ewww! and NO WAY!!! from observers.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog post.

Maybe in a few years she'll return I hope so I miss her.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Today Is the Day

I am so excited today is the day Barack Obama is going to take the reins of our country. It restores my faith in the American people. I know you all don't agree with his politics but I gotta tell you I'm bursting with pride.

I was so excited I spent the morning drilling B on presidential things. On the news they showed a picture of this:

I said B that is the White House where the President will live. Can you say White House? It came on again. What is that? I asked The White House he answered proudly.

My husband stepped into the room. B pointed and yelled look Daddy there is the White House where Barackobama (Yes its all one word in B land) will live.

My husband paused and looked at me. No Honey he said that is the capital building. The White House is down the street.

Then this guy comes on the tv

Look its Barackobama B shouts out.

Well... ummm....Happy Inauguration Day anyway!!!

Friday, January 16, 2009

It's Really Cold

It is one cold day. My office is cold really cold. Its hard to concentrate and not keep saying things like boy is it cold. I cant believe how cold it is.

Its so cold in my office I think my brain has frozen solid.

Its so cold in my office if I licked my keyboard my tongue would stick

Its so cold in my office I just wanna take a nap like the little matchstick girl at the end of the story where she succumbs to hypothermia and well you know

Its so cold in my office people are forgoing the freezer and moving in the lean cuisines to conserve energy.

Its so cold channel 5 has issued a frost advisory for the printer

Yeah I know its not a great post but its cold people! I'm doing my best.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Its Suit Day

Wake up
put on suit for tour day
wake up baby
cuddle baby and coo
aww cute little baby
notice large snot stain smeared across suit
grab baby wipe scrub suit
Give the kids dry cereal to protect suit
Go to work
feed school baby bottle
awww cute little baby
ponder having more kids
feel the warmth of puke flowing down top
grab baby wipe clean off puke
reconsider having more kids
go to office
print up brochure
glow with workers pride
clear paper jam
glow with a little less pride
clear another paper jam
cut fingers again
feel pride glow fades
cut finger again
wonder how long it would take to get new job
grab baby wipe
clean blood off suit
ignore coffee, children, powdered donuts anything that can hurt suit
sit perfectly still doing nothing so as not to disturb suit
be asked why you are doing nothing while at work
explain suit
ignore stares
Its suit day dammit!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Here Chicky chick chick

Chicken pox. The doctor thinks I have chicken pox. Can you believe it?

I remember being 9 with the pox and thinking at least Ill never have to go through this again? Oh yeah? That's what you think little 9 year old me. Little do you know that when you are an old almost a 40 year old lady you will be foxy, poxy again. And if you thought having chicken pox when you are 9 is bad just wait because having the pox as an adult is really great. The days and days of high fevers the itching the pain yes actually pain all makes for lots of grown up fun.

And just try keeping up with the little ens as you sweat and itch and move around in your delirium. Its a whole new level of fun.

I hate to be bitter. After all the test results are not in yet I could have such fun things as shingles, leprosy,some really gross thing I saw on Opera in my fever fog.

You know knowing my family its probably some weird flesh eating virus that will cause the staff at my school to freak out and wrap my kids and I in plastic wrap to keep from getting my hideous new disease that of course is highly contagious.

Ok Im bitter and sick. What can I do I'm only human or well maybe a little fowl of late. So here's to you chicken pox. A pox on you!

Monday, January 12, 2009

I Dont Feel Well

I am sorry I have not responded to anyone posts of late. I have been sick. Really sick. The kind of sick where you cant lift your head off the pillow. Where you wake up drenched in sweat and wondering where the hell you are. The kind of sick that should be reserved for bad people who enjoy poking small animals with sharp sticks.

After spending the last few days in a fever fog I awoke (not that I am better but I can now take a few steps without collapsing and asking for my mommy) to look around my apartment and realize it has been transferred to some hell dimension. A dimensions where sippy cups filled with rotten milk crunch under my feet. Where dirty diapers and old trays of take out food food never seem to quiet make it to the diaper basket. Where monster hell children run around insanely eating candy in dirty pajamas even though it is 3 pm and exhausted and crazed looking hubby rocks humming tunelessly to himself .

Last night I struggled through my fever fog to right the wrongs of the hell dimensions. I talked my poor hubby off the couch and let him run free in the fields of Sunday night football. I fought the and scaled the ugly mountains of trash. I tamed and dressed the hell children and even cooked them dinner.

So I guess the lesson here is Mommies can never ever get sick. Ever for any reason...But I gotta tell ya...I want my mommy..... I'm so sick

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I've Got Something To Tell You

Yesterday morning I forgot my cell phone. My wonderful hubby decided to drop my phone off for me at work. While he was there he was distant, removed, he wouldn't even step foot inside the door he just hovered around the outside of the room and held the phone out to me. It was very strange.

Later on during the day I received this IM

Hubby: Honey you there

me: yup

Hubby: I have something to tell you

Me: Uh oh OK

Hubby: Your office

It smells


Me: WHAT???

Hubby: Yes, not at all fresh. It was sort of overwhelming.

Me: Oh my god really

Hubby: yes it stunk

I took a deep whiff. It smelt fine to me.

Me: Ok thanks

Hubby: Really bad

Horrified I went into a classroom and grabbing the first teacher I saw I asked her to join me in the office. She looking around scared waiting for the pink slip.

Sniff. I told her.

She did staring at me with wide eyes.

Does it stink?

She started to smile.

I didn't want to say anything but it really stunk this morning. Like poop. Like big old poopy diapers.

A teacher passing by chimed in.

Yeah it smelled really bad. Terrible.

I was horrified. What had happened how did this stink go unnoiticed by me? How did I work blissfully through the stink unaware of the stinky office I inhabited.

I wanted to yell it wasn't me! I didn't make the office stink! I wanted to blame my office mate. I wanted to point fingers. I wanted to protest to yell to shout to rage against the machine.

But instead I was faced with the awful truth

This morning my office


My Appliances Are Revolting

It began quietly enough first thing in the morning blurred eyed I awoke poured myself some coffee from my lover..the coffee maker. The one I trusted and loved sometimes more than...others in my household. When I finished I rinsed out the carafe and wiped it and before my eyes my trust was shattered as the carafe broke around my hand. Although I was unscathed a little piece of my heart broke too.

Little did I know this was the beginning of the revolt of the appliances.

Next it was my radiator. My mean hissing ugly radiator. It waits for the warmest days and then turns on full blast causing us to switch on the air conditioner in the dead of winter. It chokes us with its stifling dry heat it bangs it rumbles. It is evil and it wants to suck all moisture from the air. I know it plotting waiting biding its time to get me.

Then it was the oven. My reliable little range. I went to turn on the gas and was struck in the eye by a flying knob. After searching my postage stamp kitchen I finally found the culprit. I felt victorious but it was only the start. I turned on the oven and inserted my meatloaf. I thought I could see a twinkle in the gas ranges eye but I chalked it up to the flying handle. 30 min later I checked the meatloaf and to my horror and dismay it was cold and raw. I switched it to the broiler not willing to be bettered by my oven and the whole broiler draw came apart in my hands.

I am scared. I know they area all out to get me. I'm not sure if I can even trust the toilet anymore.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Im On A Diet

Now that I am trying I mean really trying to loose weight I am totally obsessed. In my head I am already skinny. I am wearing the latest fashions shopping at the regular stores and not "women stores". In my head I am already a foxy,pulchritudinous, radiant, ravishing, refined, resplendent, shapely, sightly, splendid, statuesque, stunning, sublime, superb, symmetrical, taking, well-formed, wonderful hot tamale.

In fact I am a such a modely, gal who looks so fabulous men follow me drooling as I walk down the street. I am so gorgeous in my head that I can't believe I have to work this daily job people should just throw money at me because I am that beautiful. I am such a looker people have to wear sunglasses so as not to be blinded by my hot, fantastic bod. Its amazing I have not been discovered by the media yet.

So as long as I maneuver carefuly being sure not to see the size tags on my clothes I should be fine.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Catch Up

I cant believe how long I went without blogging. It was scary I missed you guys. I think I may have gone through a little withdrawal on the first few days some cold sweats a few shakes but by the end I was almost ok. Ok but not complete how could I be without my bloggy friends. Sniff.. but those kiddies of mine those crazy little aliens who live in my house would not have it. As soon as the computer went on something would smash, someone would punch someone else or a little someone known as S would stick her tongue in the electrical socket (no kidding this really happened). So this was pretty much a bloggy free break.

I thought I would give you a quick run down of my week as I actually have a lot of work to do (gasp):

S weaned herself

Since I am no longer a human milk machine I have begun to take diet pills to loose the endless folds of baby weight. I now find I have enough energy to scrub the floor, make dinner and write a novel all at the same time.

My coffee maker broke. I feel betrayed and angry. I loved that coffee machine oh how I loved him.

I saw the mummer parade which is a weird Philly tradition consisting of vast amounts of alcohol and men in dresses and feathers holding parasols

I have come to the conclusion that Ryan Seacrest has sold his body to Dick Clark who's soul is now inhabiting it. That man is rich I mean really rich. It could happen.

So I hope you are all caught up. I hope you all had a happy and healthy New Year.

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