My House

My house day time:

Mommy are there pink grapes? Magenta? What does the word future mean? Why aren't there any asteroids crashing into the earth right now? Can you make something lava proof?

Me: Honey lets take a question break just for a little while.

Mommy what's a question break mean?

Me:Its when you stop asking me questions for a little while

Oh....... How many seconds are there in a little while?

My house night time:
That's it! The next one who gets out of your bed gets a consequence.
What if I have to go potty?
You just went
What if there's a fire?
There wont be a fire
What of a robber comes and says he'll rob us if we don't come out of our bedroom?
There's no robber
What if I have an disease and the only way to get better is to sleep in the living room
That's it one more word and consequence
NOOOOOO!!!!



I gotta go potty

The Nigeria Project

Today was the final day for my son's third grade Nigeria project. The project that was supposed to be and I quote, "A little something we'll be working on in class" instead its been the center of my families universe.

Every conversation with my son starts with, "Have you done blank with the Nigeria project today?" and ends with someone crying (usually me).  I wrote a dissertation that was over 300 pages and took me four years but this pales in comparison to the Nigeria project.

I have made Nigerian food at 11pm at night when of course someone forgot to tell me something was due the next day. I googled Nigerian music, googled Nigerian fashion we have a Nigerian flag hanging on our wall. I know all about the Super Eagles the Nigerian soccer team and I don't even know which game The Yankees play (baseball? hockey?).

Its the end of the year for goodness sake. I thought it'd all be field trips and movies but no! Every day there's another task about NIGERIA!!! 

I'm sure it's a nice country,  no offense to anyone from Nigeria. I've learned all about its beaches and culture and its great. But after the last few months of this project hell no one in our house will be able to talk about romantic trips down the Niger river without facing my wrath. And if anyone has any erias they need to talk an aspirin and tell someone who cares. 

Friday's Poetic Thoughts About Saying Goodbye

An Ode to the Gate I Have Opened Each Morning for the Past 14 Years
Dear old ugly storefront gate

It’s you I truly truly hate

You’re heavy and old and often covered in pee

Hearing your creaky squeak each morning does not fill me with glee

When I was sick and heavy with child

My poor body you did beguile

Even after operations on my spine

You made sure to stick and whine

And now as I get ready to say a-due

I pretty damn sure I will not miss you

An Ode To The Time Clock

Time clock time clock on the wall

You always made me feel so small

You tracked my days hour by hour

And never once did you produce a flower

You almost always decided to break

When I was leaving and it was late

To fix you was an awful job

I wished out the window with you I could lob

In a cold lobby I shivered and shook

While your operating system I would look

Come snow or rain you always crashed

And you machine I wanted to bash

I will say goodbye and soon

I hope someone hits you with a broom

Mouse Haiku
Mouse in my office
Have you come to say goodbye
I never liked you

Wordless Wednesday

You know what's funny? 

Giving your kids corn on the cob when they have no front teeth.

Please note not one kernel was harmed during the filming of this Wordless Wednesday

Little B Solves Hunger and Homelessness

Last night I came home to a line of ants walking through my children's bedroom window.  My son was sitting by the window with a strange look on his face trying to kill the ants as fast as they marched in.  I walked in and let out a little cry of shock at the band of ants quickly taking over my house.  

Little S looked up at me and smiled.

"B did it! He did it its all his fault punish him." pigtails bouncing and the little gap with the two missing teeth shining in the ant light.

"Did what I ask? " not really wanting to know what crazy scheme had ended with my house over run by black ants.

"Fed the ant blueberries. He opened the window and fed them blueberries!" 

"Why B? Why?"

My son cleared his throat and with a look of pride announced , "They were hungry so I fed them blueberries. They were cold so I opened the window." 

I'm not sure if I should be proud or ground his little butt until next Tuesday. 

Calling the President

Todays the day. The day of the dreaded test. My poor son has had nightmares and anxiety attacks about this test. Its gotten so bad I actually called the president to complain. Not the PTA president the president of the USA.

 I waited on hold for about 45 min. I felt patriotic waiting to share my thoughts with the president the commander and chief the big todoo. I felt I was doing my duty as an american and letting  my president know about the issues facing me and my family. When I finally got through I was inspired I told my sad story with elegance and compassion. I told them about how my son now hates school. How class time revolves around preparing and is no longer about learning.I told them how my son's curiosity has been squashed.   I poured my heart out to Obama. When I finished the operator said to me, "So you hate standardized testing and think it should be done away with?  Should I check that box?"

Yes check that box.

I hate those stupid tests.

The Evil Spring Break

You may have wondered if I have taken another leave of absence from my blogging.  have I abandoned ship, skipped town, tripped the light fantastic? The answer is no. I was being held hostage by the evil villain also known as Spring Break.

Spring Break is the time when there is no school for a long, long time and parents still have to work. It is a time of fear, terror and of course the time when the evil words are uttered with complete abandon "I'm bored."

I guess I'm lucky cause I can bring my kids to school with me. However since they're not so little anymore they just tend to run around the school terrorising the babies and saying things like "You can't tell me what to do!" to the teachers who are trying to quiet them.

I had an important meeting this week and I told my kids under no circumstances were they to come in my office while I was meeting with the big boss. So being the literal crazies they are they stood directly in front of my office door jumping around trying to get a good look at my boss and saying things like, 

Is that the Big Boss?
 He's always mean to mommy? 
He doesn't look so scary. 
You go poke him!

and other gems that I'm sure will help my career. 

So on Wednesday I packed those backpacks up with a smile on my face knowing I had escaped the dreaded Spring Break .....until next year

Guess What A Small Child Hands You At 1:30 am?

Last night at about 1:30 am I was awakened by my daughter handing me something. Past experience has taught me that anything handed to me in the middle of the night by a small child is not something you want to hold onto. Typically it's a booger or head lice. So it being 1:30 am and with this prior knowledge tucked firmly in my mind I took the offending object and hurdled it across the room.

Little S looked up  and me and smiled. Even in the dark I could see a hole where her tooth had previously been.

Mommy it came out! I lost my first tooth! Should I put it under my pillow? Will the tooth fairy come tonight?

Suddenly it hit me. 

I had had thrown my daughters first tooth somewhere in the dark. So at 1:30 am this morning the great tooth hunt began. Armed with Kindles and flashlights we searched the great expanse of the rug. Boy those little baby teeth are small. After several panic filled minutes I found it stuck to the bottom of my foot.

I think were waiting for that tooth fairy's visit for tomorrow night.

The First Night Away From Home

Tonight is going to be the first night I've spent the night away from the kids unless you count a hospital stay for gallstones (which in my book writhing in pain doesn't count). So in my totally not insane fashion I have prepared everything for tomorrow morning. There are post-stick notes everywhere the eye can see. It is like a field of yellow sticky paper telling my Hubby what to do next.

 Its not like he's not a competent guy but I'm sure my detailed step by step directions of how to do pigtails will make all the difference in their morning. I rehearsed it with my son last night and I cant say it went very well. He couldn't seem to make the hair bands work and there seemed to be lots of hair pulling and wrestling to the floor involved which I generally don't do when fixing my daughters hair. I'm a little paranoid about the hair since I had lice in my eye while teaching pre-k but that's a whole other story. So I do insist on it going up. 

There are detailed direction about socks and lunches. There are even details about which bear goes where for bed time. He should be all set. I have packed multiple lunches I have done laundry, written notes to teachers ahead of time even prepared dinner in little plastic containers which I know no one will eat. 

My son says he's going to be Mommy tomorrow. My daughter says she'll be Mommy too. I guess there's going to be a lot of people telling each other what to do. Which should be fine cause three people being on charge of ..um...no one is totally a recipe for a smooth morning.

So I'm relaxed, totally relaxed not at all paranoid that something horrible will happen and everyone will get sick, get lice, forget to go to school, get lost, set something or someone on fire, drown in a horrible scuba diving accident or loose a limb while using a can opener.  

Totally ...fine...and relaxed