Lillte B's World Records

Little B's Worlds Records (while on vacation at Granny and Grandpa's house)

1.23 seconds
The time it takes to throw every toy into the center of Granny and Grandpa's house climbing the pile screaming and thereby declaring it fully wrecked

2.5 seconds
The time it takes to trap baby sister under a milk crate when mommy goes to the potty

.05 second
The time it takes to proudly knock baby sister down when she stands for the first time

21min .35sec
The amount of time I can chant "Mommy I need my bobo (pacifier)" at 4:30am proudly waking everyone in the household

2min 11sec
The amount of time it takes to declare "I have to potty" after being strapped into the car seat and rolling down the driveway with a car full of people

13 times per 24 hrs.
The amount of times I can give Granny the Mommy never feeds me look resulting in cookies cheese sticks or yummy fruit roll ups mommy would never give me at home.

36
The number of steps in Granny and Grandpa's house that I would love to shove baby sister down when she gets the aww sound for doing something I can totally do.

Baby Swap

Please welcome my guest blogger Tanvir (my wonderful cousin). Please check out her blog at Holey Vision.


My Dad and Susie’s Dad are first cousins and Susie and I go back a rather long way. I have a photo somewhere of her Dad holding me as a baby, under one arm and my Dad holding her under one arm..quite casually ..as if we were groceries. There are no other parental figures around which is not a good sign as our Dads were constantly ‘up to no good’. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were just about to play some prank where in public they would pretend to be meeting for the first time and then decide to swap babies.
‘What does your do?’
‘Not much yet..but if you feed it it might eventually start talking. It’s a bit expensive though.’
‘Mines a bit heavy…want to swap?’
‘Sure.’

Once, when Susie and I were about 7 years old, I stayed over at their house in Golders Green in London. In the morning her Dad asked us what we wanted for breakfast. We, having been up all night working on our naughtiness, began to shout lunatic orders at him. ‘We want..apples! And we want..chicken! And we want..coke! And we want…pickles! And we want…..chocolate! And we want ….whiskey!’ This last from me in a true attempt to shock him. A seven year old demanding whiskey for breakfast? I thought he would faint but oh nooo, not Susie’s dad. Five minutes later, without batting an eyelid, he had purloined everything we had requested from the fridge and set it up on the breakfast table instead of our usual cereal and toast. He’d even, to Susie’s mum’s consternation, tipped drops of whiskey into tiny glasses. Then he insisted we ate ..everything. I laughed so much I stopped making any sound….just lay on the floor clutching my stomach in silent uproar. And that was breakfast!
I loved staying with them.
Still do.

Susie has her Dad’s sense of the ridiculous and her Mum’s thoughtful intellect. Both attributes as I am sure you can see from her posts have been essential in her survival as career mum and blogger.
I flew over the pond from Cambridge UK recently to see see Susie in New York and her folks took the train down from Philly for the day. Susie’s dad has transferred his fabulous and lunatic parenting skills to grand-parenting skills. He and B form an irrepressible ,hyper energised vortex while the serene baby S looks on with her lovely azure eyes. After decimating a seafood restaurant we traverse Chelsea with Susie’s dad haring off with B, shrieking with joy, in the push chair and Susie’s mum trying to guide me (I am visually impaired and use my cane..especially in New York where it doubles as light sabre) and point out relevant architecture at the same time.
Susie’s other half has long since gone back to work..with what looked strangely like relief to me.

We arrive back at the apartment looking as if we have just been battling tornados but there is still something called ‘bath time’ to get through. I am handed a glass of wine and told to stand well back and Susie’s dad rolls up his sleeves and wades in (literally) to douse B whilst Susie tackles the baby.
Half an hour later Susie’s dad is asleep on a chair, still soggy but blanketed in towels. B and S, pristinely clean and fresh nappied (sorry diapered) are asleep in bed and cot, Susie’s mum and the dog are out shopping for biodegradable trash bags and finally Susie and I sit, in the sudden calm, side by side on the couch and sip wine.
‘Have you ever thought about having kids?’ she asks.
I look around at the blasted room littered with towels, clean diapers, pacifiers, toys and snoring grandparent.
‘Not recently’, I say.
‘No kidding!’ she says. ‘More wine?’

Wordless Wednesday

I have a plan this Day
instead of just spending the day

I want to
All I need to do is

and if I can get in there too

the

will be all day! Weeee!!!!!

To All the Jobs I've Had Before

Since Labor Day is coming up I thought I would do a tribute to some the wonderful jobs I have been fired from though out the years. Please take my hand and join me for this wonderful trip down memory lane where you're fired is more than a catch phrase.

I was an ironing girl where I worked in a dank windowless basement with a hot press. I was surrounded by women who looked like life had just sucked the souls out of them all. Oddly enough I loved this job. I loved seeing the wrinkly clothes get nice and smooth. I loved it so much I sang. Yes I sung show tunes at the top of my lunges and apparently unless you are singing one of those galley songs from Ben Hur the soulless troupes who inhabited that basement just didn't like it. They glared at me with their beady red eyes wincing at the light I brought to the basement with my cheerful tunes. I mean who doesn't like to hear Oh What A Beautiful Morning at 7am? .....they didn't so I was fired.

I was fired from being a go-go girl. Yes, I danced in a night club. (Slutty huh?) We were told to dress in skimpy clothing so I showed up in a full dress that went down to my ankles and up to my neck. I danced like a goth (I was pretty darn gothy at the time) waving my arms wildly and putting my hand to my forehead in mock gothy grief. I thought I was being sexy but apparently I was being just sort of strange so ...yup I was fired.

I was also a coat check girl. I worked at a fancy theater. One night in the middle of the allergy season I got a terrible nose bleed. It was the end of the night and hundreds of patrons came rushing out to get their coats. As I handed an old lady her fur coat the tissue I had shoved up my nose to stop the bleeding came loose. They thought I was making a statement for Peta I was actually making a statement for Clariten. So by by coat check girl.

Thank you for joining me on this trip down the lane of jobs I have lost. You may ask, "Suzie are you ashamed? Being fired is pretty awful." No I say No! I will continue to hold my head high and say yes I have been fired not once not twice but a whole bunch of times and yes they were pretty awful job to begin with. But so what? What makes you so great? Who do you think you are anyway? Sigh....

Why I hate Class Trips

On Friday we took a class trip to the aquarium. I hate these trips. I know they are great for the kids and families but as an administrator I get all sweaty just thinking about them. My mother put the fear into me with stories of her teaching days as she lost a child on the subway (the child was found later at his home he had apparently taken the subway back to his house). On trips I count kids like someone with OCD. And taking the subway with two classes of 3-5 year old ages me about the same amount. But I went.

The trip involved a long long subway ride to get to the fish house. I spent the ride counting compulsively and stopping children from licking various parts of the subway car. Everywhere I looked a child was absent mindly licking something, poles, windows even seats. My son of course was a repeat offender licking everything while sporting a big black smudge on his moth and nose.

We got there and had a pretty nice time. We saw fishies and penguins it was all a lot of fun. It was hot though and by the time we left everyone was pretty whiny and tired (the kids were too).

We walked back to the subway were greeted with one of those gates that looks a little like a cheese grater we all groaned preparing ourselves for an unpleasant entrance to the train. One of the parents walked through and opened the door for the kids to make thing easier. An alarm went off. The next thing I knew all the parents and kids were jumping the turn style and going through the gate(I paid! I'm no vagrant) Suddenly two police officers came running down the stairs. They looked at us with squinty knowing eyes.

I went into panic mode. I saw all of us, kids included, being handcuffed and taken downtown. I saw kiddy mug shots. I saw the six o'clock news headline:

Today a whole preschool was arrested!
Who steered them wrong? Who's to blame? Was it this woman?

More at 6.

I broke into a flop sweat. Just when I was ready to confess and turn in everyone else (I paid after all) the train came. I gathered all my hooligans and shoved them quickly on the train. As I pried my sons tongue off the plastic subway seat I took a deep breath and vowed never again to take one of these rotten trips .

And the Winner is.....

After careful preparation by a licensed winner picking guy (my son) the winner has been chosen at random (I named my desk random by the way) get ready here goes
And the winner for an all expense payed trip for two to the Caribbean to spend a weekend with a naked Justin Timberlake on his own private yacht goes too....

No wait...

And the winner who will have a year's worth of maid, nanny, and home bar tending service is...

Nope not right either...

And the winner of three lousy DVD...sorry I mean wonderful terrific Baby Einstein DVD's is..

Erica at Mom's Journal

Yes Erica you are the proud winner of three DVD's guaranteed to give you at least enough time to go the the potty while your child is mesmerized by these DVD's.

Now the question you have all been waiting for "Suzie do you feel cheep ho-ing yourself for comments? Do you feel dirty? Do you feel ashamed?"

And the answer is...

NO No I feel great! I feel rich and sassy! I have so many comments I'm swimming in them. Weee!!!!! I'm a Ho and I don't care!!!

Now please be sure to comment (I'm sick I know it) and have a great weekend.

I Dont KNow What to Say

Today I am out of bloggy ideas I tried I wrote and wrote and erased and wrote. I mean I'm at work people. This is too much pressure!!! I need a manicure and a massage not an empty blog page saying do it write on me be creative be funny. I hate you empty blog page! Why do you say create on top? Its like a taunt! I am trying! I am! But I am only human. I cant I cant I have nothing left to give...sob...sob...

Ok so in honor of my nothing to say day I turn to google. Thank goodness for google and the wakey people and perverts who use you daily. According to google not only do I have nothing to say but I tend to say it in quiet a random way. I mean look at how people found my bloggy goodness on a keyword search:

why does my pup lick his paws and butt
cactus prickers
poem for crabby hubby
bad bugs killer
how to make bad bug go away
how to get rid of water bugs
getting rid of my scale
dog bars
dipiliatory
sexy moms
chickens
how do you know when you've lost yourself?
dog leaves wet spot at night
water bug killer
moms sexy


And my all time favorite :
big wet butts in high hills

Hmmm...... strange. I seem to be obsessed with bugs and dogs. Who knew. I don't recall writing about big wet butts in high hills but who knows I feel like Ive been blogging since I was a wee lass or at least since last year so it could have happened.

So if you came here for big wet butts in high hills you are outta luck. Its just little me hoping for comments and maybe a little love and some peanuts and maybe a frozen Margaretta.

Never Wordless Wednesday

What do you do when you run out of in the middle of the night?

I've heard of using
or
or even

Sometimes in parenting you need to be creative but some things just do not work such as:
or
or even
and its not for lack of trying!

Moms= Sexy Superheros

I was walking down the street and heard someone say , "You're born alone you die alone." I got so angry wanted to stop and yell "What you crazy man? Are you nuts? Who is born alone? Wasn't your mom somewhere in this birth scenario? In fact I guarantee being born is as not alone as you can get you ungrateful person now go call your mom and apologise" Its just like moms are invisible and don't count at all.

There are signs all over.

Do mom's get recognized for 15-48 hours of labor on their child's birthday?
No!
Are stretch marks the new sexy must have appearing in all the fashion magazines?
No!
Are leaky nipples a status symbol?
No!

Well why the hell not?

Since writing this blog I have heard such tales from the pit it would make your head spin.

Who gets so tired staying up with the baby they mistake their husband shaving cream for toothpaste?
Mothers!
Who wrangled, pantie liners, moths, condom wrappers and toilet soaked toothbrushes from their children's mouths?
Mothers!
Who improvised using a sanitary napkin and a pair of Speedos for protection for their baby's new pink dress when they ran out of diapers?
Mothers!

And what about my own mother? A great woman, very smart, lovely and very forgiving mother. Very very forgiving and so so great. So forgiving in fact that she would totally not hold a small comment made innocently on another's blog against her own daughter. Who is so secure in her daughters love and admiration that she would not get upset even if it stated something like "I know I just spent a week with my mother and it will take weeks to get over it." A mom who would laugh and throw back her arms and say "thats my silly daughter". Now that is a mom truly a mom worthy of praise.

So lets hear it for mothers(and my own wonderful forgiving mommy)! We are truly the superheros of the universe deserving of praise and lots of money and a few first class tickets to the Bahamas. Go Moms! (I'm so ashamed)