Tag Line Giveaway Contest

OK I know I sound like a broken record but my 40th birthday will be coming up soon. I have wonderful things to look forward to like checking boxes on forms that say 40-49 mammograms and high cholesterol. It has also occurred to me that my tag line:

30 something Mom of two, has a Doctorate in education and runs a school. Used to be fun and wild and now just needs a nap.

will no longer be accurate.

I could pretend and be 30 something forever but as I will be embracing my middle age-dom I have decided to change it.

I once saw someone else (thanks Vered) do a tag line contest and since I no longer have an original bone in my body and will never be able to think of a fitting tag line I will be doing a giveaway/ contest. Yes between now and August 6th you my bloggy friend will have the opportunity to help me update my blog with a fitting tag line for your rapidly aging friend. The winner will receive two baby Einstein DVD's. You can either play it for your kids or wait until you get to be my age when you once again find watching brightly colored balls roll and toy monkeys playing a tin drum to classical music endlessly fascinating.

So go on give me some ideas. Don't be shy. Unless you are not form the USA in which case you can submit ideas but there is no way I will get it together to get you the DVD's so all you will get is my undying love and gratitude. The winner will be announced August 6th by *Ryan Seacrest who will be mixing cocktails for me all day long and giving free pedicures.

*I don't actually know Ryan Seacrest and he wont be stopping by but a gal can dream cant she?

Please Dont Tell My Mom

I wasn't sure if I was going to blog about this as many family members read my blog. But I have decided that as I approach 40 I'm a grown woman and I can make big grown up decisions without having to explain myself . So here goes I got a tattoo. (Please don't tell my mom please. I know Ill be in some bigggg trouble!)

But I did. I got a tattoo its kind of big but I love it. Its on my hip over some very flattering stretch marks. Its a sea horse. I got a sea horse because the female squirts her eggs into the males pouch and then she goes off gallivanting on her own. The male then clings to a weed and swells up and is forced to sit and waits for the babies to emerge. Now I know this has nothing to do with my life as its been years since any form of gallivanting has not occurred f but its a reminder to myself to maybe start doing a little galli every now and then and save some vanting for later.

I went to Daredevil Tattoo. When I got there it was filled with 18 year old boys covered from head to toe in tattoos. Rap music was playing at top volume. I thought run run now why you can. But I didn't I sat there the old lady in her career pants suit silently hoping a meteor would strike the shop before my appointment.

Finally the owner a nice more my age lady appeared and she took me into a back room. She played some blue grass (apparently this is where the old folk hang out) and helped me settle in for the tattoo which I will name Pain Fest 2009. Pain Fest 2009 consisted of me trying not to bite a hole through my purse while a needle poked repeatedly into my skin for an hour and a half. I tried to be cool but its hard with your shirt tucked into your bra strap as you sit in the equivalent of a human sewing machine. She was however very nice and getting this tattoo proves I'm not really old I'm just enhanced age wise.

So here it is my sea horse!

Just a reminder please do not tell my mom!

I HAte Jose'

I take back everything I said about liking to drive. That wonderful driving teacher is now but a memory I have instead been stuck with Jose'. Jose' speaks in a calm voice. He wears dark sunglasses Jose' however is evil. As soon as I get behind the wheel it begins:

Susan you must anticipate traffic
Susan you must use your rear view mirrors.
Susan you are not signalling
Susan do not use the gas when you turn
Susan watch out for that man on the bike
Susan do not hit that woman with a baby carriage
Susan watch out for that pole.
Susan do not back into that tree.

Although he does not yell at me the calm quiet anxiety that Jose' radiate has created a boiling pot of hate and nervousness in my stomach. I find myself unexpectedly hitting the breaks and unable to hold onto the steering wheel do to all the sweat. I have even found myself experiencing road rage while in park.

Jose not only makes me nervous he makes me mad. Its only a matter of time before that pot overflows and I tell Jose' where to stick it. Before I tell Jose' that he is making me a nervous wreck. Before I tell Jose' that no matter how calm he sounds I have seen him tear a hole in dash board with his finger nails as he barks out commands. Before I start to scream DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO JOSE'! I WILL HIT THAT WOMAN WALKING BEHIND MY CAR IF I WANT TO! I HATE YOU JOSE'! AND MY NAME'S NOT SUSAN!

Im the Queen!

As many of you know I have started driving lessons. Some of my big fear were will I hit anyone? Will anyone hit me? Will I throw up on the instructor? Fortunately I did not do any of these things. The instructor was really nice. He got in the car with me (brave man) and drove me to a not so busy area but as this is Manhattan that phrase is relative.

He had me get behind the wheel turn the key and suddenly I was covered in sweat. Not just a little sweat but flop sweat. The kind of sweat that soaks you from head to toe. My hand kept slipping off the wheel and I had to keep wiping the torrential downpour out of my eyes to see. My poor instructor pretended not to notice as he had me drive around and around the block stepping on his break every few minutes when I missed stop signs and red lights through the downpour of my own fear.

It was sexy let me tell you.

On Saturday it was time for my next lesson. It was new instructor as I guess the old one was ummm. lets call it sick? This instructor was fearless. He greeted me with a smile and said:

Here you go This isn't my car so hit something if you want to I don't care.

Something me sprung to life. Before I knew it I was cruising down the street at 30 miles and hour. I was doing 3 point turns. I was singing along to the radio and cutting off taxis. I was amazing. I was a driving queen.

There was a moment when I almost hit a woman but she totally deserved it as she walked in the back of my car when I was in reverse doing my three point turn.

So watch out you pedestrians, bike messengers and taxis Suzie the Queen of Cars is behind the wheel!

Today I Drive

Today I am taking my first driving class. I'm not feeling very confident about it. In fact I woke up several times in a hot sweat thinking about crashing into things.

What really made me nervous was when I was in Philly last week (my excuse for going MIB all last week) I had an experience at Chuckie Cheese that really shook my confidence. For all you foreigners out there Chuckie Cheese is a place for kids that has lots of games and rides for kids and uses a big rat for its mascot (it is as horrible as it sounds). Anyway I was at C.C. eating pizza and pretending my fruit punch in a plastic cup with a rat on it was really a dry gin martini in a clean martini glass when my son approached.

Lets play a driving game mommy Ill teach you to dive.

Apparently my son is a consummate driver who will teach me the ropes if I panic.

What could it hurt I thought. I gripped that wheel put in my coins and took my shiny yellow car driven by my avatar a big busted, blond haired, gal out for a drive. When it began I was whistling a happy tune by the end I could barely pucker.

Yes, by the time the game was over I was covered in sweat and my shiny new yellow car was nothing but a smoldering wreck. Don't even ask about my avatar she wouldn't have spoken to me if she could. But since she was trapped in the fiery wreckage I can only imagine her wrestling with her broken bones to flip me the bird before she became one with the computer cosmos.

I looked over and my son was jumping up and down clapping he had come in first place his avatar was waving a winner flag and his beautiful red car was shiny and proud.

So if today you hear about a ten car pile up in NYC caused by a student driver please don't tell my avatar I know she'll gloat.