Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Still Waiting

I had to take a boob sonogram. I'm still waiting for the results. Can someone please play the Jeopardy theme song please.

Monday, August 24, 2009

A Tumor or Not A Tumor That Is The Question

So so far 40 just sucks. Sucks bad.

Not to spill it all out all over the place. But as soon as I turned 40 my doc sent me for a mammogram.

My Aunt died of breast cancer and it was a terrible experience. Of course I was scared to death of a mammogram. I went in to the imagining center and dressed in one of those spa robes not fooling myself I would end up with sparkly toe nails at the end of it. I told the lady who would be squishing my breast and dragging it across the room about my Aunt and asked her if she could show the film to the doctor right away. She said he was out but she was nice and made me feel really comfortable as she compressed my boob till it looked like a pancake.

I got dressed while freaking out when she came and told me the radiologist was there he would look at the film and I should wait. I did sweating and praying and working myself up into a tizzy. An hour later she came back and brought me back into the room. Apparently something was off she needed to do more squishing. I went numb but not so numb that I didn't feel the next round of squishing and pulling and pulling. When she was done she said she'd go show the doc. I waited and thought about chemo and dying and putting my family through what my aunt went through. It was terrifying. 20 min later she returned. Its fine your in good health well see you again in a year.

I was so happy I walked home on air with a spring in my step I had escaped death.

The next day my doctor called. Don't freak out he said but we found a tumor in your breast. It's probably benign


I explained that it was clear the radiologist had told me so.

Well not according to this report he explained. He said You have a tumor and we should do a sonogram.

Please call the radiologist. I begged and find out what happened between its OK and and its a tumor please

The doctor was astounded I don't know why your freaking out about this. He went on Its Friday we wont hear from him until Monday at the earliest.

So I've spent the weekend pretty damn confused. I am fine but I have a tumor. I'm healthy and can go but I'm not.

This is too much for my 40 year old brain. I seem to be confusing the doctor. He doesn't understand why a tumor may upset me. No one is calling me back and I am freaking out.

I hate 40! Hate it hate it hate it!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Truth About Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark

Since I have reached the age of 40 I have been hiding under a rock trying to make it go away. Although hiding under the rock didn't make 40 go away I did have the opportunity to hear some good under the rock gossip (or make some up). This gossip involves someone who is ((gasp)) older than me Mr. Dick Clark.

I heard that Dick (although he is at least 102) suddenly started to age. He had been holding off aging for the last 50 years by drinking the blood of small children and animals. But when that no longer worked he invested his fortune in finding a cure to aging. His team of evil doctors came up with a plan. All he needed was a young good looking down and out guy. He found Ryan Seacrest.

Ryan was living under a bridge and was desperate for cash. Dick gave him an out. He could have Dicks amazing fortune if he agreed to give Dick his body and he took Dick's. He told Ryan that as long as he kept up a good blood supply he could live for a long, long time. He would even have a young wife a mansion, a tremendous fortune and a swimming pool. Ryan said OK. The switch was made and Ryan is now in actuality Dick Clark.

Dick (in Ryan's body)went on to a mass his own fortune and now lives once again in the lap of luxury and has at least another 100 years to go in his body before its time for another change.

Hey I'm 40 I'm allowed to be crazy if I want.

Maybe that should be my tag line.

(By the way not that I didn't love your suggestions but I'm leaving the tag line contest open for another week or so. Hey I'm 40 I can do whatever I want!)

Monday, August 3, 2009

Here It Comes

So I am turning 40 on Sunday. I must say I thought it would be a lot more graceful than this. I feel like I am heading into the future whining and crying and being pulled along by my feet by father time. When I imagined this day I imagined myself shoulder straight head up walking proudly into 40. But keep in mind I also imagined flying cars and weekend vacation to the moon (sort of a non cartoon Jetsons). But here I am 39.99999 and moving on. I am depressed sore and generally filled with anxiety.

I keep doing a mental recap of life so far and I think Hey Suzie buck up things are pretty good you've accomplished a lot. I wont go into my list of accomplishments as my mother would say its a kenahurah and will call the fates down to destroy any happiness I may have. But I think I have a pretty good list. But I still feel terrible as the big 40 descends.

I think I may be having a mid life crisis. And perhaps I should just embrace it. I mean I've already gotten the tattoo maybe I should get a bright red sports car and some arm candy Perhaps I should run away and join the circus or start a religious cult. But I think I may be too tired for all of that.

So instead I will go to bed at 9pm all this week wake up and drink decaf and try not too eat too many birthday cupcakes my son will make with love and probably some snot. Ain't aging grand.

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