Thursday, July 31, 2008

My Dog Has O.C.D.

My dog has O.C.D. He is an obsessive butt and paw licker. He sits for hours upon hours licking his paw slurp, slurp, slurp and then moves to his butt SLURP. He does it when you are reading slurp, he does it when you are sleeping, slurp he even does it when you are eating SLURP! He leaves these big wet spots on everything filled with paw and butt juice. I think living in our house has driven him insane and beyond. The fear of a toddler swinging off his ears or someone riding him like a horsey has sent him to the doggy loony bin. He spends his days hiding out under the table licking and tying not to noticed lest someone dress him up in a baby bonnet and Harry Potter glasses.

I am afraid my doggy and I have reached the end. I have realized that when your dog needs to take prescription doggy anti depressants it is not working out (he really does take them). I have found two families that are interested in taking our depressed doggy and will give him a good life free of water balloons and large rubber balls.

I mentioned it to B. I was ready for the tears and tantrum. B looked at me looked at the dog and squeaked, "OK can I have a fishy now?"

My only question is do they make pills that small?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Cant Keep My Mouth Shut on Wednesdays

According to legend some people forget to eat when they get stressed
they end up eating so little they almost
I am not one of those people

when I get stressed I eat

not a lot but for some reason I get and and

I guess I better before someone mistakes me for a

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Can I Have The Envelope Please

Verdict: Inconclusive come back in three months

No Thanks. We're done.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Tests, Tests,Tests

Today is the big test day. Does my baby have epilepsy, a brain tumor or is she just a silly little baby trying to freak her mama out with all this shaking stuff?

The word test is a scary one it brings to mind awful childhood memories. The word test has freaked me out through out life. I've taken standardized test in elementary school and freaked out so much I gave myself my first tattoo by accidentally jabbing myself in the leg with a pencil. Pregnancy test. Ohhh a really scary one. I took several in high school (yes I was a bad girl) thank goodness they were all negative I was not a very responsible teen. Anyway I would much rather be taking this test for my baby but since I cant I decided to do a bunch of tests myself. I found out

I am a Supreme Nerd. And I should apply for a professorship at MIT now!!!.

I am
76% Geek

A personality test says my disorder rating is

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low

Career Inventory Test Results

Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 63%
Orderliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 63%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Inquisitiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%

You are a Persuader, possible professions include - entertainer, recruiter, artist, newscaster, writer/journalist, recreation director, librarian, facilitator, politician, psychologist, housing director, career counselor, sales trainer, travel agent, program designer, corporate/team trainer, child welfare worker, social worker (elderly services), interpreter/translator, occupational therapist, executive

I found out I am not addicted to the Internet .
You are an average on-line user. You may surf the Web a bit too long at times, but you have control over your usage.

OK that's me a geek, nerd, newscaster with multiple personalities ,not too paranoid and not really hooked on the Internet.

Lucky me.

Now lets see how little S does.

Friday, July 25, 2008

What Me Worry?

Things I ended up worrying about at 3:30am when Little S decided to scream instead of sleep:

If the tomato sauce I used last night was contaminated with some horrible disease and we would all die in the night and it would all be my fault. It made a weird popping sound when I opened it and it was in a can. I knew I should have thrown that out.

What is someone against my will decided to use the pedi egg (its sort of a bottom of the foot cheese greater) on a sensitive parts of my anatomy? Yes I was watching an infomercial. The balloon thing really freaked me out.

Never ever sleeping again.

Getting fatter and fatter until I would only be able to fit into was brightly colored moo moos with large paisley patterns.

Brain tumors, epilepsy, EEG tests, and something being very wrong with my little S.

The test itself (its on Monday). I found out they will wrap her like a mummy in gauze to restrain her. Put electrodes all over her head and have her try to sleep. They may give her a sedative if she freaks out. I hope there's one for me too I'm gonna need it.

Little S dying to to a rare allergy to the sedative.

Loosing my job do to excessive blogging.

Britney Spears.

Face it I'm a mess!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Yet Another Suprise From Father Time

Last night after a fun filled evening of temper tantrums, whining, cleaning of snotty noses and diaper changes and dog rescues (they were hanging from his ears) I finally got the kids to bed put my feet up and switched on the TV. Suddenly I was affronted with a most horrible sight three long, course, black hairs were protruding from my big toe. In horror I lept from the couch before my husband could see the trees that had sprung from my toes and ran around the house in a desperate search for an iron forged super sized tweezers to wrestle the black monsters away from my aging tootsies.

Now I know I am getting older. Yes another birthday is swiftly approaching. But even age needs some limits. I have resigned myself to the usual aging things. I know that if I even look at a cupcake I immediately gain 5 pounds where as when I was 20 I could drop 5 pounds just from dancing to a hip tune by a Boy George. I know that even though I could stay awake till 4am when I was in my twenties I now need to be in bed by 9:30 lest I risk drooling open mouthed on the couch (a sexy sight). I know that although I used to be able to read the jokes on a bubble gum wrapper with ease it now takes a magnifying glass, some bifocals and a pair of x ray specs to even be able to read the warning label on a bottle of Geritol. I get it Age! I'm aging! I'm old! But this? My toes?

To quote my son Not Nice Age! Not Nice!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Another Not So Wordless Wednesday With Tumors

Since being told my little S may have a brain tumor (which I'm sure she doesn't) I decided to do a little research on the topic. According to these are the symptoms of a brain tumor

  • Changes in speech, vision, or hearing

  • Problems balancing or walking

  • Changes in mood, personality, or ability to concentrate

  • Problems with memory
I would say according to this list has a brain tumor he has had lots of changes in speech he has big changes in mood although he does balance very well. Maybe someone should call his mom.

also has a brain tumor. He talks with a southern accent even though he is from he has a problem with and I guess with his memory problems he just misplaced those .

Don't even get me started on or or

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Lets Play Who's the Crazy Parent

As a daycare director I see a lot of crazy parenting. I mean really crazy parenting. But I as a parent and a former child I have seen and done my fair share of insane parenting too. So because I enjoyed our little game show so much yesterday I thought today we'd play:

Who's the Crazy Parent?

Yes Who's the Crazy Parent? The game show where you guess who is doing the crazy parenting. Winners will get a week of no one looking at them funny in the grocery store when you end up yelling at your child a little louder than you meant to. (prizes not guaranteed in all 50 states)

1. Who wandered around a child's bedroom with a bat at 3am threatening to knock the invisible raccoons into next week so their child would go back to sleep?
A. A Crazy Daycare Parent
B. My Parents
C. Me

Answer: B. My parents. What loving grandpa wouldn't beat a small furry invisible animal with a bat to win the love of a young child?

2.Who taught their child Morris code before she was three and had her tap hello to everyone every morning?
A. A Crazy Daycare Parent
B. My Parents
C. Me

Answer: A. Yup its those Crazy Daycare Parents. Who knows when a young child may find themselves in desperate need of a method of communication that died out over 50 years ago.

3.Who gave their child over 10 grape ice pops in less than 24 hours and was surprised by the ensuing sugar rush and destruction that followed?
A. A Crazy Daycare Parent
B. My Parents
C. Me

Answer: C. Yup its me don't judge he was sick!

4.Who got sick of telling their child to eat their eggs every morning so they made a tape recording that said "eat, eat, chew, chew" so they would no longer have to?
A. A Crazy Daycare Parent
B. My Parents
C. Me

Answer: B. My parents and its taken me over 30 years to recover from the memories of that tape. Mean mean parents boo hiss. Sorry I judged.

5. Who let their child dress up like a giant chicken and walk through the streets of Manhattan to get a bucket of KFC for dinner (Kentucky Fried Chicken for you foreigners)?
A. A Crazy Daycare Parent
B. My Parents
C. Me

Answer: C. Me. OK it was Halloween. OK it wasn't. But is was funny. You're judging aren't you?

Who walked an entire block with an empty stroller before realizing her child was not in it?
A. A Crazy Daycare Parent
B. My Parents
C. Me

Answer: A Yes its those Crazy Daycare Parents again. Don't judge them OK well maybe in this case you can judge them a little. Really it takes a whole block to figure that out?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Now the Dog Is Upset Too

Now I know my baby is just fine. Yesterday S was crawling around in my living room. She was picking up and choking on every little scrap of spare paper she could find. Paper so small that most people would need an electron microscope to even see it but my little S is super skilled in the art of finding tiny tiny little scraps of paper and getting then stuck in her throat. Its sort of a gift. Anyway S was on one of her many of her crawl away missions when suddenly the holy grail of thing to put in her mouth struck her eye. She crawled with such glee and abandon one would think she was on her way to collect her Nobel Prize in gumming research. She reached her goal and screamed with glee before shoving... wait for food into her mouth. Lots of dog food as many pieces of dry tasty dog food as would fit in her little mouth. My dog began to bark in outrage as my husband and I made the dash across the apartment to her as she flapped her little hands and bounced with joy at the tasty morsels. Now some might think this is a sure sign of tumors or brain damage or even a little stupidity but I now know she is just a normal little baby out to eat every disgusting thing she can find.

Lets play Why Didn't Suzie Blog on Friday:

Why didn't Suzie blog on Friday was it because:

A. She was on a surprise trip to the Caribbean?

B. She was crowned Mrs. America and went to collect her crown?

C. She discovered the truth about JFK and was dodging FBI agents trying to gun her down before she published the truth?

D. Because her entire family was struck with such a horrible stomach bug that she was vomiting pizza out her nose while lying on the bathroom floor mentally trying to levitate clean sheets to help B who was also throwing his guts up.

Give up? The answer is D! Yes D! Yes she ended her stellar week with the stomach bug from hell. Weee!! If you won give yourself 10 points and use lots of hand sanitizer who knows how you get this thing.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

My Week In Rhyme

Well this has been quiet the week. Rats, diapers brain tumors its enough to make any one go a little nuts. So to break the evil spell cast over me and mine this week I think I shall have to do a little bit of poerty to help me get back into the happy bloggy spirit:

My week In Rhyme
This week's been hell its really true
Ive been up to my eyes in diapers and poo
I've made pasta for hordes of babies
At least I haven't gotten rabies
My son has played with a large brown rat
I wish I had imagined that
My baby shakes and hasn't grown
Its enough to make you hide at home
There has been talk of a brain tumor
but at least I haven't lost my sense of humor
So I will look to the future and will not fear
could someone please fetch me a very large beer

As a Haiku

Brain tumors are bad
children shouldn't play with rats
Check please I'm done now

As a Limerick
There was was a girl from Manhattan
who had a heap of bad problems
she tossed her new doo
and wiped off the poo
and decided to go have a martini

Thank you all so much for your support it really helps.

By the way I did do a little on line snooping and thanks to you tube Ive watched about 600 videos of babies having seizures. Although they were just awful to watch I did learn she doesn't have infantile spams which is very very good. There are however a host of other awful things it could be a few videos sort of looked like what she's been doing. I really think its nothing maybe a weird tick or a strange habit. I don't really think the lack of growth is connected but we will be doing an EEG and maybe well catch a seizure. I think jumping to the tumor thing is nuts but we wont rule it or anything out until we get a reading. I have a feeling this is all a whole lot of worrying for nothing....I really really hope it is. I'm sure it is. Doctors just love to freak people out. But better safe than sorry.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Panic Come On In Make Yourself At Home

I tried to upload my Worldess Wednesday. But no pictures would load. I guess the fates were telling me to just vent a little and perhaps see if anyone had any advice. Its not like me to bitch (yeah right) OK maybe I have a little this week I've talked about diapers, pasta and rats. Yes it indeed has been the week from hell and to add to it was my Little S's 9 month check up.

S has been having little seizures for the past month. She stares into space for about 20 seconds and then shakes her head back and forth like she is cold but it goes on for about 10-15 seconds. She wakes up as happy as can be and keep doing whatever she was doing before it occurred. It was happening 4-5 times a day and now maybe 4-5 times a week.

At this check up it seems she has stopped growing and gaining weight. To me she looks a lot bigger. She is crawling and even standing a little. She is under the 10th percentile for height and weight. She is a wee little thing.

The pediatrician thinks we need to see a pediatric neurologist. Words like brain tumor have been used. It could also be nothing. It is a least a six week wait to see the neurologist and in the mean time all my hubby and I are hearing is brain tumor. Like Bobby hears in the Brady Bunch when he hears "Mom said not to play ball in the house". So like all good parents we have jumped right to panic.

Maybe this is an elaborate play on S's part to get more attention. In that case its worked. Maybe its the fates just trying to make us all crazy.

Anyone hear of anything like this? Six weeks is a long time for a repeating sound track to play in my head.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

That's It! I'm Leaving!

This morning I took B and S to school. It was early in the morning and just one other parent and two teachers were there. B was standing outside the baby room playing with a basket. He turns to the other parent and says I have a little friend in the basket. We ask is it a kitty? he says no. Is it a elephant he laughs no. Is it a raccoon? He hates raccoons so he shakes his head solemnly no..... So the parent moves the basket and guess what is inside..... wait for it....A RAT! A BIG RAT! And my little B has been playing with it. Thank God he was not bitten. It ran out of the basket and into the nursing room where it is waiting for me to nurse. And the topper is the nursing room is next to the room where I am holding a parents breakfast. Welcome parents please ignore my little friend.

Thats it I'm going home pulling the covers over my head and letting this day pass by as quickly as possible.


Monday, July 14, 2008

I Hate That Fairy Anyway!

I wanted to blog this morning. I had nothing to say but that wasn't going to stop me. I was gonna get struck by the inspiration fairy, as I sat staring at my very dirty screen and come up with the wittiest,, most introspective, most hilarious post I had ever created. I was gonna sit back in wonder when I was done and feel so satisfied by my writing that I would have lit up a chocolate cigarette (I don't smoke so chocolate would have to do) and look contentedly at my creation.

But it was not to be.

When I arrived at work the cook called in sick. Two new babies started, one teacher was running an hour late and two others had emergencies and could not make it. I had to cook pasta for 56 kids make 24 baby bottles. Change 45 diapers. Comfort six crying children. Give an orientation to one new teacher deal with two perspective parents and nurse S. And poke seven little bellies.

Needless to say the inspiration fairy did not come to call. She was chased away by mountains of pasta and baby bottles.


Friday, July 11, 2008

The Big Bad Bug Killer

I'm not the type of gal who is scared of bugs. I catch fireflies with my son let daddy long legs roam free on my hands I even took B and S to the bug zoo where live spiders hung freely from the walls. But I don't like water bugs! I hate them they freak me out. You think they are dead, that you smashed them, when they get up and make a desperate dash at your feet. They are just ick!

This morning when I got into work one of the teachers rang the buzzer when I went to let her in all I heard was help. I walked to the door and there was the biggest the meanest looking water bug I had ever seen. He even had a little motorcycle jacket and a switch blade. That bug was out for trouble.

Putting my brave face on after all B and S were watching me I grabbed a broom and while squealing away like a little girl I whacked the life out of that bug. I stopped and of course the bug made a dash for me. I nearly fell over my son pushing him out of the way of the blood thirsty 2 inch monster. I smashed him again this time he was bug putty there was no way he was getting back from that one. Until he pulled himself out of the goo and ran at me again and then fell in a heap by my feet. I scooped him up and as the other teacher and I screamed I dumped him outside.

Walking back inside glowing with bravery my son turned to me and said, Mommy water bugs wont hurt you why did you smoosh him? Suddenly I was filled with guilt maybe that bug wasn't so bad. Maybe the little switch blade was being used in defense. Maybe his leather jacket was just a fashion statement and not a gang thing. I... I didn't smoosh him.. I lied...he's fine he's just sleeping. No mommy said B solemnly you killed him! He shook his head and slowly walked away.

Nothing like a little morality lesson first thing before coffee.

My Doo

I don't usually do this but here due to popular demand is my new hair do.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Inner Fabulous

Yesterday on my lunch hour I decided to get all gussied up so I went and got my hair done. When I think of getting my hair done I think of little old ladies with blue hair sitting under a row of hair dryers reading the Weekly World News. I did not go to this sort of place. I went to one of these places you only find in Manhattan the music was loud people were dancing all the stylists had names like Diva and Sparkle. It was almost like being in a night club except everyone was overly nice and you can always find a seat.

My stylist Diva was a life coach/stylist. She talked to me about making me fabulous and bringing out my inner beauty and before I knew it I was having chemicals poured on my head and was undergoing the most expensive hair quaffing I had ever encountered. Just one thing I told Diva please don't make it too far away from my regular color I don't have the time to deal with roots. And I only have an hour I'm on my lunch. She agreed (of course darling) and off I went to find my inner beauty my inner fabulous!

So I sat and sat until I could no longer feel my scalp. Wave and Shimmer (can you tell they were stylists too) came and complimented my red glowing tingling scalp delighting over the wonderful color I had in store. The clock ticked away and as the chemicals burned a molten pathway to my brain I realized I only had 10 min left of my lunch hour. I grabbed Star Bright and asked her to find Diva. I needed to go. I was late. You can't rush color they said. Finally after and hour and a half I was washed and cut and I looked and there was the lushest, deepest, RED hair I had ever seen. But but I stammered...I'm not a red head my roots will show in about 20 min. Yes it sure will! She replied isn't it great!

I walked back into work 45min late with a glowing red scalp glowing red hair and still looking for the fabulous new me. Maybe those little old ladies have the right idea after all.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Another Not So Wordless Wednesday

My Hubby has this very irritating habit of leaving his used

in his

he leaves them all over the

it really

Ive tried

but he does it anyway

maybe its like that movie

but I doubt he's going to be killing any this week

I think he just does it to make me

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Little Mr. Manners

My son has become the inappropriate Miss Manners. Yesterday as we were walking home I scratched the side of my nose (the outside mind you). B yelled out as loud as he could NO NOSE PICKING MOMMY!!!! Everyone turned around and looked at me. I stammered out I wasn't picking my nose I was scratching my face...really my face.... as the people turned away in disgust I thought to myself this lesson in manners is from a child that paints with his poo and french kisses the dog. When he pulled his sisters pacifier out of her little crying mouth and swung it just out of her reach he pointed to me and yelled YOU NO SAY PLEASE MOMMY!!!!! This is after I retrieved it by chasing him around the stroller four times. Yes he's an etiquette pro.

He also loves to point out my imperfections. I feel like I am on that show The Swan but with no plastic surgery as a prise afterwards just lots and lots of criticism. After our vacation my face has broken out a bit. I thought it was nothing terrible just a few blemishes..OK zits. B looks up at me in the grocery store points to the blemishes and yells MOMMY YOU HAVE SOME VERY VERY YUCKY BOO BOO'S! I felt really really sexy I can tell you. The flab under my arm is a wonderful toy to play with LOOK MOMMY ITS ALL FLOPPY! WEEE!!!!!!! I could point out he talks like Frankenstein ME LIKE FIRE or that when he runs his arms and legs flap in all directions but I am too mature...yup that's me too too mature

Monday, July 7, 2008

Im Back and Fat

I cant tell you how great it was to sign onto blogger this morning and find so many great comments. I felt myself calm as I read through the comments. I am now really home ahhh.

Over the week break I started to get blog withdrawal. I had clammy hands shaky feet. I thought of some great blogs oh I blogged away all night long to no avail AS I DIDN'T HAVE A COMPUTER!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!! Horrible.

I spent the week with my parents and the kids. Hubby had to work. We went to Florida to my parents apartment. While it was great the kids loved, it hanging with the family has it bumpy moments perfect for blogging and complaining. But once again the fact was there I COULD NT BLOG THERE WAS NO COMPUTER!

So instead I decided to concentrate on my second love... food. I am a very careful eater I weigh I measure I count cholesterol and fat points. But for some reason this week I let loose we all did. I ate and ate lots of gross fatty fatty food. Oh it was great pizza, eggs, chips and chocolate. Every time we ordered something someone would comment oh I cant believe we ate so much or oh my goodness that was so fattening. That would send me into a rant lets just enjoy it. I never do this why do we have to punish ourselves. Well now I now why. I must have gained 10 pounds (I'm avoiding the scale). Nothing fits and my poor poor tummy is chatting away with anger.

But I'm home. Fat and relieved and happy to be a blogging.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Happy 4th Of July

I cant begin to tell you how much threatening and bribing it took to get this picture.
Happy 4th of July everyone.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I'm One Crazy Blogger

I think I may be a blogging addict. I think about blogging a lot. I plan my posts during my middle of the night feedings. I feel unpopular and smelly when I get no comments. Im not sure when it happened but it did. Get the intervention team ready!

Another sign of my sickness is my addition to the post scheduler. I wrote this last week before I went away. I should have been working or packing but no. Sick that's me.

Vered said in a recent post that ."Subscribers don’t necessarily go away when you post less - they go away when you post low-quality fillers in order to keep to your regular posting schedule." I am sure that she is right.

Yet here I am putting together some terrible posts trying to stick to a regular schedule while I am away. I think it is sign of sickness. I must post even though I am not at a computer. I must have comments even though I wont be able to read them.

Have I become so obsessed with blogging I cant stop?

Have I become so obsessed I think about what will happen to my blog if I die in a horrible accident?

Am I so obsessed that I will I keep writing even when I have nothing to say?


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Wordless Wednesday

This is not my purse

Nor is this

This is my purse only uglier
This is not inside of my purse
nor this
or this
This is inside my purse

I guess the dog would be more practical.

I don't think I will have any Internet access this week but I will be posting daily (thank you post scheduler). I'll be sure to respond to all comments when I return next Monday.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

It's Just Not There

The other day I was bathing my son my husband came running in and said to me where is your credit card? I told him it was in my purse on the stroller. He ran out a few minutes later he ran back in. Where ? He yelled its not there. I heard him moving things around and he kept yelling he couldn't find it so I walked out and things were every where. Yet, there on the stroller was my purse untouched with the credit card in it. This is not a one time thing by any means. I can't tell you how many times I have told my hubby his keys were on the table just to have him freak out that he cant find it all during which his keys were sitting on the you guessed it table.

I'm not sure what causes it. My hubby is a very intelligent man. He can knows the director of just about any film you name. He can mix a really mean martini but he cant find anything to save his life. Maybe its caused by a shift in the space time continuum. Maybe he is temporally kidnapped by aliens and has the finding things part of his brain disabled whatever it is it is really strange.

The other day my son asked me where his bobo was (pacifier for you laymen) I told him it was on the couch. He started to cry and told me he couldn't find it and yet there it was on the couch. I'm getting really scared now is it catching...should I alert the FBI?

Still not here...miss me?

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