Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Not So Wordless Wednesday

I work with some strong women.

We've bravely been through thick and thin together and all sorts of disasters

So why does one dead water bug

Turn us into a bunch of scared girls

Maybe its the idea of them climbing on you.

But I think the real reason is because when you flush them down the toilet you never really believe they're not going to climb back out and get you while you pee.

That really freaks me out

Monday, April 28, 2008

Word Verification

Maybe its me but whats with this word verification thing? It always takes me at least three tries to ever figure out what I am seeing. When you mess up the next one is worse. Is that a z or and x why is it fuzzy and blended into the next letter. I'm dyslexic so maybe I can blame it on that.

I feel like its laughing at me, judging me, or it is some horrible test which I am constantly doomed to fail.
I mean what is this?or this
I just cant do it!

Its too much for a gal like me on decaf.

Why I Hate Happy Meals

On Friday when I went to B's classroom to pick him up he was looking sad standing alone by a cubby. I asked him what was wrong and he pointed to a toy it was a horrible looking purple thing that boarded on offensive. He pronounced "I want the microphone guy from Old MacDonald's!"

But honey we have to go. I coxed. "I want the microphone guy!"
Now I don't know if you've seen this horrible toy but here it is.

You lift her arm and she warbles out some unrecognisable tune.

All Friday night all I heard was,

"I want the microphone guy!"
"I want the microphone guy!"
"I want the microphone guy!"

Saturday I was woken up with a shout from B that woke up S and sent the dog into a barking frenzy:

"I want the microphone guy!"
"I want the microphone guy!"
"I want the microphone guy!"

Sunday it was pancake day. Usually a very exciting day but instead,

"I want the microphone guy!"
"I want the microphone guy!"
"I want the microphone guy!"

Sunday afternoon I had had it! B had won I know it's bad to give into things like that but really he had worn me down how much more could I take. My hubby took him to Old McDonald's.

Standing in line B chanted excitedly

"I want the microphone guy!"
"I want the microphone guy!"
"I want the microphone guy!"

And there he was standing at B's Mecca home of The Microphone Guy. And they handed it over with trembling fingers he grabbed the toy and it was the wrong one! A horrible scene ensued a terrified cashier located the last microphone guy. A happy and exhausted B walked away toy in hand.

This morning I was awakened at 4am. B was shouting for me like he had lost an arm. He woke the baby, the dog the whole house. I ran in and there was little B in tears.

"I lost the microphone guy!"he cried

I'm moving to Atlanta.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Better Than the Pill

My friend came over for a glass of wine after work yesterday. She and her husband are trying to have a baby and my son absolutely loves her. She came in and was greeted by the usual cast of characters. B immediately talked her ear off and the dog was leaping and crying even little S gave her a happy coo.

She sat down and I gave her a glass and the dog sat at her feet it was a happy homey scene. As we talked the dog started scratching and then he started licking. Before we knew it B was jumping up and down screaming "Look at his penis!" Yes, my dog had a big red dog woody, my son highly impressed by this action decided to take off all his clothes and jump up and down on the chair naked. S laughed and then proceeded to projectile vomit all over the room and all over me. The dog always one to get in on the act also began throwing up. B ran around screaming ,"Yuckies yucky." and tried to dance in the vomit.

I sat back took a slug of my wine and asked how the baby making was going.

I am sure my house is a real inspiration for conception.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Its As Bad As You Think

So I am walking home after work yesterday. B is in the stroller talking a mile a minute and S is strapped to me in the carrier.

A woman walks besides me and says, "I know its not easy but you have two beautiful children." I thank her and keep walking all the while thinking isn't that nice a little strange but nice.

A few moments later a man walks besides me " It looks like you have your hands full. I know its hard. I'm so glad my kids are in their twenties." OK now is that a coincidence or is something up.

I walk on and a third woman stops me. "You have such a great family. Don't worry It gets easier."

OK what the Hell!?! I know I haven't slept a full night in over a year. I know my pants don't fit and I didn't get to brush my hair today I might be walking a little erratically but really do I look so bad.... oh I get it... right.... poop

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Not So Wordless Worldless Wednesday

My Week so far in Pictures:

I went to Phillly with the kids to celebrate Passover and have some

During the trip S began to


and B had an asthma attack and it turned out it was also S's lungs causing the trouble

so my week was very busy with this
and that you know

I began to crumble like a

I hoped for

or even

but all I got was and more

and now my brain has turned to

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Alice My Alice

I love Alice. I need Alice. When you were a kid watching the Brady Bunch Alice she was a staple yes but as I've gotten older and had kids I find myself thinking about Alice a lot more. She was the real hero of the show.

Do you think Ms. Brady could have looked so damn put together each morning without Alice No way! Could she have happliy helped Marsha through her broken nose while not screaming at Bobby for throwing the ball in the house and not with holding sex from Mike each night for working too late and leaving her with all the kids? No Way! Alice made this all possible.

I think if Alice came to live with me I might be able to handle it all a bit better. The last few days I feel like I am walking through cotton just barely holding it all together. If I had Alice she would be sweeping the cotton in my head up into a neat ball and storing it away to stuff some new pillows she just sewed for the kids room.

I love Alice. I need Alice. Alice forget Sam the butcher I'm here for you.

Thanks so much to I've Changed My Name to Mommy for the new wonderful template. I love It!

Monday, April 21, 2008

My Poor Baby Girl

I cant think of anything fun or witty to say. ALl I can think is my poor baby girl. She's been throwing up in her sleep and everytimes she nurses. It's like she cant breath and then when she tries to catch her breath she hurls. Really hurls.

I took her to the doctor this morning and it turns out she has RSv. Its some kind of broncial infection that often turns to asthma. B has astham too and now I have to nebulize them both three- four times a day. That is three hours a day of treatments. How I can physically do this is beyond me.

I just gave S her first she was terrifed and cried and cried. I know there are such worse things that could happen and I am blessed but it was so awful. How can I do this to her over and over again? It just breaks my heart. My poor babies.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Those Crazy Little Fish Balls

Tomorrow night is Passover and I am taking the train with S and B today to go see my parents. Every year before I go I ask if they need anything and each year they always need gefilte fish. Gefilte fish if you've never had it is a slimy gelatonous ball of ground fish. I guess it is an acquired taste I've actually come to sort of like it . This slimy snot like food is very very popular among Jews and is very popular at Passover. Sort of like trees at Christmas only gooey gross mashed up tree balls.

So for some reason in all of Philadelphia there is no gefilte fish. Apparently Philly is suffering from a huge gefilte fish draught that has been going on for years. Each year after an extensive search through the markets of Philadelphia my mother gives up and asks me to bring it up from New York (aparently home to huge schools of the wild magestic gefilte fish). Each year I go and get these oozing fish balls and lug the things up to my parents house.

So yesterday I asked my mother if she needed some gefilte fish. Suddenly my sweet gentle mother was replaced with a frenzied crazy lady. "What? Gefilte fish? Do you know how much I have to do? I'm not buying any gefilte fish! Philly does not have gefilte fish. (her voice becomes shrill)I mean where in Philly can you buy it? (shriller still) How can I think about gefilte fish when the families coming over? (Now only dogs can hear her)I mean you've got to be kidding me gefilte fish what are you crazy?"

"I know mom I was going to bring it like I do every year."

"Oh...ok then."

I think that is what we call the annual gefilte fish breakdown. Happy Passover.

Potty Water

Now I've been a daycare director for a long time. Ive been through blackouts, transit strikes, weird smells, even terrorist attacks but yesterday was a new one for me.

It started out like any other day. A kid threw up while eating breakfast another child tried to feed the fish leggos. Finally I sat down at my desk to answer a few emails when suddenly a teacher ran in yelling that the toilet was overflowing. I smiled and let them know I would be there in a minute when some screaming got my attention. I ran to to the back and ran right into a rising pool of very cold water. I ran to the bathroom and saw teachers being pushed back by a rising flow of water gushing from the kids potty! Yes potty water was filling our school.

The children in the closest classroom stood in a little huddle. My son was among them. "Mommy the potty water is all over our room!" he cried. The water began to rise very quickly. I shouted to B. "Don't worry baby I'll be back for you!"I braved the potty current and tried to turn off the water and discovered there was no water main valve.

The teachers formed a line and we began to pass the kids over the potty water to the classrooms on higher ground.

The potty water was about ankle deep when the building super finally arrived to switch off the water main.

We spent the whole day moping and pumping the potty water out of the building.

As I went back to check on the rooms a little girl was crying in a corner. It turned out she was the one who used the potty when the pipe broke. She felt her pee had done the damage. Boy talk about a set back in toilet training.

B saw me and came running over. "Mommy" he yelled "You stopped the potty water!" and he threw his arms around me.

Some kids will remember their first pony ride others the first time they tied their shoes. But my son will remember the time his mommy saved him from the nasty potty water that took over his school.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Wordless Wednesday and a Ditty

S's first time eating apple sauce. I think we'll just stick to banana's.


S slept through the night last night!
It was so exceptional I have written a little ditty about my night

Once upon a evening turse
as I got ready to once again nurse
my baby she did soundly sleep
and made not a single solitary peep
I thought the worse as I always do
but happily it was not true
I could not believe it she must be sick
so quietly I did poke at her with a stick
but she only snuffled so I started to feara
so I checked her breathing with a mirror
It clouded up and did not remain shiny
so I gave a little sniff to her hiney
she wasn't wet or filled with poop
so back to my bed I did scoot
and stared at the monitor and tried to snooze
perhaps next time I'll try a little booze

But I did sleep 5 hours in a row! woo hoo!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Oops I've Been tagged Again

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary. My wonderful hubby and I have been together for 13 years married for 8. How could I have known when I was 25 this was the guy. What a crazy gamble. Man who lets people that young (some 25 year olds are mature I was not) and wild make big time decisions. To think about it is really nuts. But I did and now here I am years later blogging about kids and family go figure.

Anyway Colleen and Kate have tagged me for a meme of seven random things. To be tagged once is very flattering but to be tagged twice is really something. Now I feel like I'm hanging with the cool kids at lunch. Like I'm wearing my Jordash jeans with a cool ribbon clip in my hair.

The Rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share seven facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. So here it goes....

1. No one ever believes this but its true. My parents can confirm this one. When I was about 8 I was walking home from school and I found a human skull laying on the sidewalk. It had little bits of flesh hanging off of it. I stuck it in a paper bag and brought it home to show my Dad. My parents although completely freaked out calmly loaded me and the bag into the car and drove us to the police station. The policeman was in shock when he looked in the bag. After a few minutes of questioning they sent us on our way but I made the policeman promise to let me have the skull if no one claimed it in 30 days. He never called.

2. I love the smell of my kids feet. I don't care how dirty they are I love the smell especially baby feet.

3. My favorite sandwich is baloney and cream cheese on a bagel. I haven't had it in years because my cholesterol is so high but they really taste great. No really!

4. In the house I keep moderately kosher I buy kosher meat and I never cook pork or shellfish in the house. But in a restaurant I eat bacon and cheese burgers. Somehow it doesn't seem bad if I do it somewhere else. See the above sandwich for an example.

5. When I was little I would get very nervous and I would chew on the collars of all of my shirts. By the time I would get home from school the front of my shirt would be all wet and stretched out.

6. I've never eaten lobster or shrimp

7. I keep the nail on my little finger very long. Not as my friend always teases me to do illicit drugs but to pick my kids noses. Yup I do and I'm proud. You just gotta sometimes.

Ok so here are my tags...



The Teach




Forgetful one

Go forward and meme!

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Dark Place I Call My Mind

S is still reeling from her 6 months shots and did not sleep more than two hours last night. As I sat there in the darkness rocking her bouncy chair with my foot I began to go to a dark dark place in my mind. I thought I would share with you a few of the thoughts that came to mind around 3am this morning:

  • What if I never get to sleep ever again?
  • What if I sleep but I don't wake up in time for work?
  • Is that a mouse?
  • What is that scratching sound?
  • One day I will die!
  • One day my parents will die
  • One day my husband will die
  • Will my kids die before me?
  • What if everyone keeps using hand sanitizers and a super virus grows and everybody dies?
  • What if no one dies and the world gets more and more crowded and we can't die?
  • I can't believe those women at the table next to us ordered the blooming onion and the cheese fries. If they get clogged arteries it will be my fault. I should have warned them. No no one like that. I wish I had some cheese fries.
  • I know that is just the stroller making that shadow but what if there is something hiding behind it?What if that something has bony wings and is the size of a man?
  • What if its an alien coming to take me away?
  • What if I never loose weight and I gain more and I end up on that Brookhaven show where everyone weighs 500 pounds and I can never use a regular toilet seat again?
  • What if it's an alien with bony wings here to kill me?
  • What is Donny Osmond doing now? Is Marie OK?
  • What if its a mouse?
  • OK no more that thing moving?
Needless to say I did not sleep. But that stroller sure has been looking at me funny.

Friday, April 11, 2008

The Monster Did It

My son has a new imaginary friend. he calls it the monster. Whenever he does something bad like drawing on the couch throwing batteries at the baby and you ask him what happened the response is always the same, "The Monster did it!" You gotta give him credit its a good ploy and although it never seems to work for him I thought it might help out some unfortunate situations nobody wants to take credit for so here's my list of thing that the Monster did:

The Monster Did It List:

1. Created the blooming onion at outback Steakhouse (I just read it contains 2210 calories and 134 grams of fat) oh my goodness I've eaten that one too!

2. Gave me a page boy haircut when I was six so no one could tell if I was a a boy or a girl

3.Thought war with Iraq was a good idea

4.Told boys they should wear their pants down to their knees. What's with that? (I know that one makes me look old)

5.Created the Flash Dance craze in the 1980's (Also makes me look old)

6. Created any song by Menudo (old again)

7. made acid washed jeans with the zipper on the ankle (OK I totally am old)

8. That Scott Baio reality show

9. Home perms

10. Told me I should give my little baby a series of shots so she runs a fever all night and cries and makes me cry and which makes my son cry so we can all feel terrible (The Monster totally did that one!)

Have a good weekend see you Monday! I hope we will. Sniff....

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Adventure of Insane Mommy Part 2

Welcome to the adventures of Insane Mommy. Once a mild mannered married lady named Suzie. Now with the birth of her two children at the sign of any illness or distress in her children she can become :

Insane Mommy!
Stronger than a bad smell.
Faster than a spiking fever.
Able to leap to ridiculous conclusions in a single bound.
Its malaria its a flesh eating bacteria no it's Insane Mommy!

This week mild mannered Suzie is getting ready to take baby S for her 6 month check up.

Hi doctor. Great to see you here's S.

What do you mean she's in the 50th percentile for height? Is that bad is she too tall? Too short? Is she shrinking? Oh My God its all my fault!

What she can have solid food now? Are you crazy! She's just a little baby! What if she has an allergic reaction? What is she chokes on the baby food? She's fine the way she is!

Wait! What what are you gonna do? Get away from my baby! Give me the shot instead! She's perfect the way she is! I know this is gonna make her sick!

Oh my gosh now she's crying! Oh my gosh she's sick I know it!

What? What do you mean she's done? We can go?


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Wordless Wednesday Goes A Squeeking

Although I have mice in my house and am very grossed out and upset I will try to relax and be meditative on this Worldless Wednesday. So lets take a moment to reflect on this:

Not that:

Or this:
but certainly not this:or that:
or this:
or that:or even this:

O.k. forget it! Lets just settle on that:

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