Day 35

Day 35. Still no cook hired at work. Day 35 of me, the director doing the cooking for the whole school.

Day 35 shall also be known as the day Suzie the director/cook set a very large pot of rice on fire. Complete with flames and smoke.

And day 35 shall also be known as the day of the tremendous stink.

For those of you who have never set a large pot full of pounds and pounds of rice on fire you are missing out on a very unique smell. The smell is a cross between burnt smell, farts and desperation. It is a smell no matter how you spray or air and area out will never seem to go away.

Its the kind of smell where upon entering the school people stare accusingly at one another and wait for the other to blush.

It is the kind of smell that clings to you and follows you home.

It is the kind of smell that says do not let this women ever cook again. Take away her pot. Take away her serving spoon for the good of mankind.

The smell has spoken...I beg of you people please listen before it is too late.

Say It With Shredded Cheese

I gotta say. There's no use holding back. I'M gonna say it loud and proud... I hate cooking!

Hate it!
Loath it!
Detest it!

So how is it I am now the cook for my kids my husband sometimes even my parents and now MY WORK!!!! OK there's a long story connected with it but suffice it to say the cook she is gone and no one including me wants to be the cook anymore. So rather than let the kids starve. Rather than let the parents complain and relvot I am now up to my elbows in baby bottles and graham crackers.

Not to sound like the guy on Star Trek but I'm a doctor not a cook dammit!

In this job as daycare director I have drained radiators, killed large bugs, unblocked toilets. I even held a girls arm on as part of it dangled off after falling off the jungle gym. I did this all gladly with a smile on my face (except for the last one cause that would just be sick) but making macaroni and cheese for 56 ungrateful kids and teachers...NO! I say NO!

Why why did I go to school for a million years to get my PhD? Go into debt with school loans? Was it to spill someone else's breast milk all over my suit jacket? Was it so I could make 56 pita pizzas?

No!

In fact I just threw a fit with shredded cheese that left me embarrassed and slimy. And why? Cause I don't wanna be the cook anymore!

I hate it!

I hate it!

I hate it!

...anyone need a job?

Snow Day

Its a snow day and instead of being asleep in my cosy bed I pushed my stroller through the fresh snow sweating and grunting along the way and lugged my family to work. Why you may ask? Good question. Well,I needed to let everyone know school was closed, feed the hamsters and fish and return a few emails...

OK that's all an excuse.

Here the truth Ruth.

The idea of spending another full day with my wonderful little kiddies alone trapped alone in the house for the day put me in such a panic I would have gotten here if giants had been lobbing boulders from the sky. I would have lugged my stroller here if bats had filled the street with a sea of guano.

Yup, its true.

I know I will have to go home eventually. I know I will have to face the stir crazy kids who will become truly scary at 4pm when the idea of spending one more hour with each other and me will make them scarier than a cat in a washing machine, then a four day old tuna fish sandwich in July then Dolly Parton first thing in the morning with no make up (sorry Dolly).

I know. I fear.

But for now...I have work to do.

And The Cow Goes Moo

Work once again is getting in the way of my blogging. Its not like its fun work things like going to the zoo or eating ice cream. Nope its annoying stressful work things. Who would have thought the world of early childhood would be as high stress as it is. Someday it is down right cut throat, high stress unpleasantness.

Its not like I am working in a roller derby where you are aware the other gal in the ring is mean and ornery and wants to knock you on your butt.

Its not like I am a pirate in search of gold and treasure knowing one day my looting and pillaging may to a public hanging or mutiny.

Nope I am an early childhood administrator. A gal who turned her back on the glamor of the stage (Yes, I was once a cow on Broadway. You should have heard my heartfelt mooing. The reviewers just loved me.) Instead I shunned all of that and focused my life on trying to help families and kids.

And I gotta tell you some days I think I need hazard pay. I suggested turning the filling cabinet into a relaxation spa with masseuses and a harpist or a small beach resort to help deal with the stress but unfortunately that seems a little hard to budget (would that fit under office supplies or misc).

But I have lots of faith in Wednesday. Its gonna be better than the last few days. It has too otherwise I am going to invest in a new cow costume.

It's Really Cold

It is one cold day. My office is cold really cold. Its hard to concentrate and not keep saying things like boy is it cold. I cant believe how cold it is.

Its so cold in my office I think my brain has frozen solid.

Its so cold in my office if I licked my keyboard my tongue would stick

Its so cold in my office I just wanna take a nap like the little matchstick girl at the end of the story where she succumbs to hypothermia and well you know

Its so cold in my office people are forgoing the freezer and moving in the lean cuisines to conserve energy.

Its so cold channel 5 has issued a frost advisory for the printer

Yeah I know its not a great post but its cold people! I'm doing my best.

Its Suit Day

Wake up
put on suit for tour day
wake up baby
cuddle baby and coo
aww cute little baby
notice large snot stain smeared across suit
grab baby wipe scrub suit
Give the kids dry cereal to protect suit
Go to work
feed school baby bottle
awww cute little baby
ponder having more kids
feel the warmth of puke flowing down top
grab baby wipe clean off puke
reconsider having more kids
go to office
print up brochure
glow with workers pride
clear paper jam
glow with a little less pride
clear another paper jam
cut fingers again
feel pride glow fades
cut finger again
wonder how long it would take to get new job
grab baby wipe
clean blood off suit
ignore coffee, children, powdered donuts anything that can hurt suit
sit perfectly still doing nothing so as not to disturb suit
be asked why you are doing nothing while at work
explain suit
ignore stares
Its suit day dammit!

I've Got Something To Tell You

Yesterday morning I forgot my cell phone. My wonderful hubby decided to drop my phone off for me at work. While he was there he was distant, removed, he wouldn't even step foot inside the door he just hovered around the outside of the room and held the phone out to me. It was very strange.

Later on during the day I received this IM

Hubby: Honey you there

me: yup

Hubby: I have something to tell you

Me: Uh oh OK

Hubby: Your office

It smells

bad

Me: WHAT???

Hubby: Yes, not at all fresh. It was sort of overwhelming.

Me: Oh my god really

Hubby: yes it stunk

I took a deep whiff. It smelt fine to me.

Me: Ok thanks

Hubby: Really bad

Horrified I went into a classroom and grabbing the first teacher I saw I asked her to join me in the office. She looking around scared waiting for the pink slip.

Sniff. I told her.

She did staring at me with wide eyes.

Does it stink?

She started to smile.

I didn't want to say anything but it really stunk this morning. Like poop. Like big old poopy diapers.

A teacher passing by chimed in.

Yeah it smelled really bad. Terrible.

I was horrified. What had happened how did this stink go unnoiticed by me? How did I work blissfully through the stink unaware of the stinky office I inhabited.

I wanted to yell it wasn't me! I didn't make the office stink! I wanted to blame my office mate. I wanted to point fingers. I wanted to protest to yell to shout to rage against the machine.

But instead I was faced with the awful truth

This morning my office

stunk

Oh Where Has She Gone?

Where is Suzie? Where has she gone? She has not responded to my sassy stories. She has not commented. She has not twittered. She has not regaled us with her wit at all. Her blog page sits silently showing a Wordless Wednesday of days gone by. What's up?

Has she been abducted by a traveling green martians who have no children or husbands and like to drive in fast cars and think tummy flab is sexy?

Has she run away and joined a troop of high flying acrobats who have made her their queen and worship her by giving her foot rubs and frozen drinks and let her sleep late every morning?

Or did she in the throws of a cleaning frenzy try to remove the huge ugly scary looking dust particles and bits of old food and grime she saw in her clear mac key board with q tips and end up smashing the thing against the trash can rendering it useless and broken ?

One can only wonder.

Now Thats Commitment

Warning The following post contains discussion about "womanly" "yucky" things.


Yesterday I had a GYN appointment (see I told you). I let my boss know and left before lunch. The office was filled with pregnant ladies and I spent my 45 minute wait contemplating having another baby. I think its something in the air there that causes temporary insanity because this morning I contemplated selling the two kids I already have on Ebay. Anyway I finally get into the examination room and they give me one of those horrible paper gowns. You know the ones that don't close in the back so you end up flashing anyone who enters the room.

The doctor comes in and tells me to scoot down to the end of the table when suddenly the phone rings.

I usually turn off my phone at the doctors I do. But recently there seems to be a rash of kid trouble. Things like B having meningitis or S having seizures. Its always something scary and new so I keep it on. I jumped up to grab my phone sure that B has been stung by a killer bee or S had been eaten by a wandering mountain lion. The caller ID said my work and since my kids go to school there I prepared myself for the worst feeling slightly relieved that I was across the street from the children's hospital just in case I had to make a mad dash run to their snake bite center.

I mean why else would they call? Who would call someone at the GYN office unless it was an emergency?

I answered the phone breathless with fear. And sure enough it was my boss , "Uh Suzie..." here it comes I thought, "The Department of Health is here. They need that paper work they sent you last week."

In disbelief I stutter ,"Umm I'm at the doctors right now. Cant this wait?"

"Hold on let me put them on with you."

And sure enough he handed the phone to the Department of Health Inspector while I Suzie was umm... otherwise indisposed.

That's right I spoke to the Department of Health while having an internal exam.

I think I need a raise.

Did I Ever Tell You...

My sister in law is getting married. She's great so I offered to send out the invites to her shower. As I am pretty busy I came up with the ingenious idea to do it first thing in the morning at work before my boss gets in.

I wanted to make the cards look wonderful so I bought these fancy laser labels. I tried them in the ink jet printer and they smeared. Now everyone knows You can't have a smeared label its just not done. So I had a brilliant idea to stick them in the copy machine.

Please note it was 7:30am I had just stood in line to vote for and hour and a half. I was woozy and I hadn't had any coffee yet.

So I loaded them in and waited expectantly for my beautiful labels to emerge. The first page went through no problem. I held the matt clear labels in my hand and patted myself on the back for being able to do it all.

I waited patiently for the second page to emerge.

Suddenly the machine coughed and spluttered and started to smoke. Instead of my beautiful labels one column of chard stickers where thrown violently from the machine. I opened the machine sure I could pull it out but it tore and smoldered. Little labels with fancy apple chancery font stuck on the turning wheel thing. Aunt Jesspos label stuck to the whosie whatsit.

I tried everything. I pulled I pushed. I used tweezers. I cried but the machine would not listen it just whirled and steamed as if to say you are going to be in so much TROUBLE!!!!

My boss is a nice guy but breaking his machine and doing shower invites at the job? To put it mildly he would not be happy and I knew I was doomed!

I began to panic. I tried to run through other pages with educational material on it so it wouldn't look like it was my fancy labels that had broken the $2000 copy machine. It was no use. I was sunk.

I sat against the machine and whimpered getting ready to spill the beans and tell my boss everything. Suddenly from the kitchen my knight in shining armor entered; the cook.

Step back she said. With nimble fingers coated in breadcrumbs from the chicken fingers she prodded and tinkered and finally pulled the blackened remains of my labels from the machine.

Here she said and threw them on my desk.

I gasped in awe and uttered a "Thank you!" She turned grabbed her pot holders and said "No Problem".

Who says there are no heros anymore?

And On and On It Goes

I had hoped to have a quiet holiday. My plan was to take my kids to synagogue followed by dropping them off at school and having a little R&R with my hubby. It was such a good good plan but it was not to be.

One of the teachers developed a very bad headache and was admitted into the hospital. She called one of the teachers and said they were testing her for (among other things) meningitis. The teachers became panicked and began staging a walk out. I ran to the school and tried to explain once again that even though the virus which is like a cold is contagious but the meningitis is not. This is the same conversation I had at my sons bedside in the hospital. But they said having my children there was contaminating everyone.

I called the Department of Health and had them explain my children were not contagious and once again talk to them about viral meningitis. They would not hear it. It was like a modern day witch hunt where my children where the ones being thrown on the pire. It was crazy.

At one point I broke down and started crying it didn't seem to matter to them at all. They seemed stuck in this ignorance where the facts where irrelevant and only their fear mattered. I had the DOH (Department of Health) several pediatricians and my child's doctor in the hospital explain things to them but they could only hear their fear. One teacher even called the DOH to verify that I didn't have a friend pose as a DOH official. It was unbelievable. It was a mob mentality and it was directed at my kids and myself. It was terrible and just very very ugly.

Silly me I thought people stood behind you in times of trouble. I thought co-workers supported each other when children get horribly sick. Instead they seem out to save there own skin even when there is no danger. My son was dying of dehydration not viral meningitis and that can happen with any illness. I would not bring my child to school with a deathly illness. Why would I?

Of course in the end the teacher did not have meningitis.

I however think I am on the verge of a breakdown.

It's Bloggin Time

OK now this is getting serious. I don't know when it started to happen but my kids and my work are seriously getting in the way of my blogging.

I mean just now I had thought of the most witty intelligent thing to blog about and someone stoped by my office to give me paper work and talk about their child. How rude! Don't they know serious blogging is going on in here?

You wouldn't believe it I'm not kidding just now I started writing again and my child ran into my office to tell me the baby was bitten. What am I supposed to do about it? I'm writing here.

All day yesterday while I was sitting through a meeting I wanted to yell out, "Hey lets hurry this up I've got a great idea for a Wordless Wednesday I want to schedule! You're totally blocking my creative flow!"

It's bad enough I have to answer natures call every now and then and sleeping is a complete waste of writing time but I do see the point in it all I guess. But while I'm at work thats prime blogging time! I mean everyone knows computers are for blogging why else would they put it on my desk. I mean really!

To All the Jobs I've Had Before

Since Labor Day is coming up I thought I would do a tribute to some the wonderful jobs I have been fired from though out the years. Please take my hand and join me for this wonderful trip down memory lane where you're fired is more than a catch phrase.

I was an ironing girl where I worked in a dank windowless basement with a hot press. I was surrounded by women who looked like life had just sucked the souls out of them all. Oddly enough I loved this job. I loved seeing the wrinkly clothes get nice and smooth. I loved it so much I sang. Yes I sung show tunes at the top of my lunges and apparently unless you are singing one of those galley songs from Ben Hur the soulless troupes who inhabited that basement just didn't like it. They glared at me with their beady red eyes wincing at the light I brought to the basement with my cheerful tunes. I mean who doesn't like to hear Oh What A Beautiful Morning at 7am? .....they didn't so I was fired.

I was fired from being a go-go girl. Yes, I danced in a night club. (Slutty huh?) We were told to dress in skimpy clothing so I showed up in a full dress that went down to my ankles and up to my neck. I danced like a goth (I was pretty darn gothy at the time) waving my arms wildly and putting my hand to my forehead in mock gothy grief. I thought I was being sexy but apparently I was being just sort of strange so ...yup I was fired.

I was also a coat check girl. I worked at a fancy theater. One night in the middle of the allergy season I got a terrible nose bleed. It was the end of the night and hundreds of patrons came rushing out to get their coats. As I handed an old lady her fur coat the tissue I had shoved up my nose to stop the bleeding came loose. They thought I was making a statement for Peta I was actually making a statement for Clariten. So by by coat check girl.

Thank you for joining me on this trip down the lane of jobs I have lost. You may ask, "Suzie are you ashamed? Being fired is pretty awful." No I say No! I will continue to hold my head high and say yes I have been fired not once not twice but a whole bunch of times and yes they were pretty awful job to begin with. But so what? What makes you so great? Who do you think you are anyway? Sigh....

Why I hate Class Trips

On Friday we took a class trip to the aquarium. I hate these trips. I know they are great for the kids and families but as an administrator I get all sweaty just thinking about them. My mother put the fear into me with stories of her teaching days as she lost a child on the subway (the child was found later at his home he had apparently taken the subway back to his house). On trips I count kids like someone with OCD. And taking the subway with two classes of 3-5 year old ages me about the same amount. But I went.

The trip involved a long long subway ride to get to the fish house. I spent the ride counting compulsively and stopping children from licking various parts of the subway car. Everywhere I looked a child was absent mindly licking something, poles, windows even seats. My son of course was a repeat offender licking everything while sporting a big black smudge on his moth and nose.

We got there and had a pretty nice time. We saw fishies and penguins it was all a lot of fun. It was hot though and by the time we left everyone was pretty whiny and tired (the kids were too).

We walked back to the subway were greeted with one of those gates that looks a little like a cheese grater we all groaned preparing ourselves for an unpleasant entrance to the train. One of the parents walked through and opened the door for the kids to make thing easier. An alarm went off. The next thing I knew all the parents and kids were jumping the turn style and going through the gate(I paid! I'm no vagrant) Suddenly two police officers came running down the stairs. They looked at us with squinty knowing eyes.

I went into panic mode. I saw all of us, kids included, being handcuffed and taken downtown. I saw kiddy mug shots. I saw the six o'clock news headline:

Today a whole preschool was arrested!
Who steered them wrong? Who's to blame? Was it this woman?

More at 6.

I broke into a flop sweat. Just when I was ready to confess and turn in everyone else (I paid after all) the train came. I gathered all my hooligans and shoved them quickly on the train. As I pried my sons tongue off the plastic subway seat I took a deep breath and vowed never again to take one of these rotten trips .

I Hate That Fairy Anyway!

I wanted to blog this morning. I had nothing to say but that wasn't going to stop me. I was gonna get struck by the inspiration fairy, as I sat staring at my very dirty screen and come up with the wittiest,, most introspective, most hilarious post I had ever created. I was gonna sit back in wonder when I was done and feel so satisfied by my writing that I would have lit up a chocolate cigarette (I don't smoke so chocolate would have to do) and look contentedly at my creation.

But it was not to be.

When I arrived at work the cook called in sick. Two new babies started, one teacher was running an hour late and two others had emergencies and could not make it. I had to cook pasta for 56 kids make 24 baby bottles. Change 45 diapers. Comfort six crying children. Give an orientation to one new teacher deal with two perspective parents and nurse S. And poke seven little bellies.

Needless to say the inspiration fairy did not come to call. She was chased away by mountains of pasta and baby bottles.

Wimp!

Potty Water

Now I've been a daycare director for a long time. Ive been through blackouts, transit strikes, weird smells, even terrorist attacks but yesterday was a new one for me.

It started out like any other day. A kid threw up while eating breakfast another child tried to feed the fish leggos. Finally I sat down at my desk to answer a few emails when suddenly a teacher ran in yelling that the toilet was overflowing. I smiled and let them know I would be there in a minute when some screaming got my attention. I ran to to the back and ran right into a rising pool of very cold water. I ran to the bathroom and saw teachers being pushed back by a rising flow of water gushing from the kids potty! Yes potty water was filling our school.

The children in the closest classroom stood in a little huddle. My son was among them. "Mommy the potty water is all over our room!" he cried. The water began to rise very quickly. I shouted to B. "Don't worry baby I'll be back for you!"I braved the potty current and tried to turn off the water and discovered there was no water main valve.

The teachers formed a line and we began to pass the kids over the potty water to the classrooms on higher ground.

The potty water was about ankle deep when the building super finally arrived to switch off the water main.

We spent the whole day moping and pumping the potty water out of the building.

As I went back to check on the rooms a little girl was crying in a corner. It turned out she was the one who used the potty when the pipe broke. She felt her pee had done the damage. Boy talk about a set back in toilet training.

B saw me and came running over. "Mommy" he yelled "You stopped the potty water!" and he threw his arms around me.

Some kids will remember their first pony ride others the first time they tied their shoes. But my son will remember the time his mommy saved him from the nasty potty water that took over his school.

You know It's Gonna Be One of Those Days

Warning this post is a little gross:

Last night S woke up at her usual 2:30 am for a little snack. My husband who had been sleeping on the couch excused himself to the bed and I took up my post on the couch for the rest of the night. Yes, we work in shifts. As S finished and I laid down for an hour or two of sleeping a noticed a foul smell. I had made tofu for dinner which everyone hated and I thought to myself poor hubby I've really done his stomach in.

After about an hour the smell got worse so bad in fact that it woke me up and rather than continuing blaming it on my poor hubby the truth reared its ugly head... the dog had pooped in the house.

Now I faced a quandary do I turn on the light and risk waking everyone up and begin my day at 3:30am or risk stepping in it? I hated the idea of going to sleep with a sock filled with poo but I was not going to lose a minute more sleep. So flashlight in hand I began a tracking mission to scout and retrieve the pile of poo without stepping in it. Nervously I walked keeping a close eye on my feet hoping not to feel that terrible splat of foot against poo. I followed my nose and soon found the steaming pile which I scrubbed in the dark. After about two bottles of fabreeze my clean foot and I went back to sleep.

A few hours later everyone was awake I dressed S in a cute little dress and B chose his own insane outfit and we were off to work. I opened the school and kid after kid arrived but no teachers. Now I am a seasoned professional I can handle most anything. I've taught in blackouts and transit strikes but as those kids kept coming I started getting nervous and then...you guessed it....S pooped, all over her little dress, an excersaucer and another child (don't ask me how). I picked her up and narrowly avoided dripping her poop on my foot. Victorious and still a litle grossed out my clean foot and I loudly sang the wheels on the bus while I cleaned her, her clothes and said child. (By the way another teacher did arrive a few minutes later.)

So the day went on poop free. At the end of the day I took my little brood and headed home. B screaming that he wanted a toy and S screeching her happy little screech. I got home and walked through the door and splat. My foot hit poop. The dog had done another big one right by the front door.

I guess I just need to be a little philosophical about it. There are just some days when the universe deems you are going to get poo on your socks and no matter how hard we try there's no running away from your destiny.

Feel Free To Hum Along

By now the traveling minstrels must have come to your glen and told of the brave Lady Suzie who battled the great Education Conference. If not this is the song they have sung:

(Please feel free to make up your own medievel tune)

Brave Lady Suzie, hurrah hurrah, Brave Lady Suzie hurrah!

A song must be sung for the Brave Lady Suzie, The Brave Lady Suzie hurrah!

A battle so great has never been seen that the brave lady Suzie did fight

She shrunk not in fear when the laptop connections did not work for the power point overhead projectors.

She shrunk not in fear when the speaker order was changed and she had to go first to the podium proudly she walked.

Nay did she offer anyone juice, nor did she nurse fussy strangers from her bosom.

Brave Lady Suzie, hurrah hurrah, Brave Lady Suzie hurrah!


She battled great adversity, fighting fatigue, lack of caffeine, and a stiff neck

And yet the great and beautiful Lady Suzie gave a speech that shall be sung of in the fields, towns and castles great

Brave Lady Suzie, hurrah hurrah, Brave Lady Suzie hurrah!

Yes she battled the great conference and won
and then ate pizza

No No Rules

Today is my big presentation at the conference. I got so worked up about it I now have a blocked milk duct and I have managed to pull most of the muscles in my back and neck so I can only turn by swiveling my whole body. Obviously I am very worried so I have created a list of no no's so maybe I can move my neck a little and stop panicking.

No No Rules for the Big Conference:

• Do not ask anyone if they need to go potty before we start

• Under no circumstances wipe any ones nose even if they really, really need it

• Do not sing any type of song consisting of a spiders assent to a water spout to get the peoples attention

• Do not threaten people who talk with a time out or withholding of apple juice

• Do not sniff any conference goers and ask if they needs a diaper change

• The #1 Rule: Do not nurse anyone even if they are fussy

Girlz, Girlz, Girlz and A Little Lego Man

I went to the conference yesterday to present one of my papers. Its been years since I've gone to one of these things. And apparently during that time I have gotten much less mature than I was in the past and my intelligence has sunk at least 60 IQ points.

I mean I can throw around big words like pedagogy and qualitative methods too but after awhile I stop understanding what they mean. My tired mommy brain no longer functions. I have to keep my mouth shut lest I start saying things like I would love a slice of pedagogy or you and your qualitative methods need stop talking and pick up after yourselves.

And when the woman before me started reading her paper the most boring, slow and endless way possible I found myself bouncing around like a three year old hanging off of the chair singing to myself and playing with a little Lego man I found in my pocket. Its awfully embarrassing.

Thank goodness I only have to hold it together for one more talk which is the big one. I think for that one I will leave my little Lego man at home.