Now Thats Commitment

Warning The following post contains discussion about "womanly" "yucky" things.


Yesterday I had a GYN appointment (see I told you). I let my boss know and left before lunch. The office was filled with pregnant ladies and I spent my 45 minute wait contemplating having another baby. I think its something in the air there that causes temporary insanity because this morning I contemplated selling the two kids I already have on Ebay. Anyway I finally get into the examination room and they give me one of those horrible paper gowns. You know the ones that don't close in the back so you end up flashing anyone who enters the room.

The doctor comes in and tells me to scoot down to the end of the table when suddenly the phone rings.

I usually turn off my phone at the doctors I do. But recently there seems to be a rash of kid trouble. Things like B having meningitis or S having seizures. Its always something scary and new so I keep it on. I jumped up to grab my phone sure that B has been stung by a killer bee or S had been eaten by a wandering mountain lion. The caller ID said my work and since my kids go to school there I prepared myself for the worst feeling slightly relieved that I was across the street from the children's hospital just in case I had to make a mad dash run to their snake bite center.

I mean why else would they call? Who would call someone at the GYN office unless it was an emergency?

I answered the phone breathless with fear. And sure enough it was my boss , "Uh Suzie..." here it comes I thought, "The Department of Health is here. They need that paper work they sent you last week."

In disbelief I stutter ,"Umm I'm at the doctors right now. Cant this wait?"

"Hold on let me put them on with you."

And sure enough he handed the phone to the Department of Health Inspector while I Suzie was umm... otherwise indisposed.

That's right I spoke to the Department of Health while having an internal exam.

I think I need a raise.

A Big Poopy Flood

S woke up this morning at 4am. She apparently had a lot to say about things cause she chatted on until it was time to get up. I'm sure she was discussing my cholesterol. Why not? It seems to be the talk these days. At least S thinks I'm beautiful and not at all fat (as I get to choose the topic of the conversation and meaning of the words I'm going with that interpretation). She in fact thinks I look great and should consider a plus sized modeling career. Good girl S good girl.

When I got to work B excused himself and came running back in with his pants around his ankles screaming his poopy was floating across the classroom. Oh yes major toilet flood and I was the one to solve it BEFORE COFFEE!!!! Oh the inhumanity!

I am pretty distracted not only due to my lack of sleep but due to my horrible phone call yesterday. I really hate that Doc. I hate to use this so much but it must be done. Doc here's to you.

The Tale of Fatty Fat Fat Continue

Update:

Ring Ring






Hello

YOU'RE GONNA DIE!






Excuse me?





THIS IS YOUR DOCTOR! YOU'RE GONNA DIE! YOUR CHOLESTEROL IS 300!!!!





O.k. Thanks for letting me know.










YOU KNOW WHY THIS IS?


Family history? My Grandmother had 400 cholesterol and lived to 98.


IT'S CAUSE YOU'RE FAT!!!! LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE WEIGHT NOW!




O.K. thanks for the advice!












NO I MEAN IT! ALL IS LOST YOUR KIDS WILL HAVE NO MOTHER JUST A GRAVE! A FAT GRAVE!


O.k. but we went through this before and I lost 20 pounds and my number went up 20 points. It's genetic. I am trying to lose weight but as I said before I JUST HAD A BABY!

YOUR BABY WILL HAVE A DEAD MOTHER A DEAD FAT MOTHER!! ALL BECAUSE YOU ARE FAT!!!!! FAT!!!!




OK I got it will do. Thanks so much.....fatty.

The Tales of Fatty Fat Fat

So you can almost guess how the doctor's appointment went:



Maybe if you lost some weight your foot wouldn't hurt so much.




Must not say it....promised hubby..must not






I mean with all of that pressure on your foot who wouldn't have a problem?




I mean look at the guy he's fatter than me..must keep my cool





Well I'll give you a referral to a pediatrist but it should really be to a dietition. I mean really if you lost 10-20-30 pounds your foot will be right as rain.




Am keeping cool can do it. Just a few more minutes.





We may have to put you on crutches to take ALL that extra weight off your foot.



That's it. Stop saying I'm fat!!! Do you think I wanna be this size I just had a baby you rotten man! And look at you! You're no slimderella. Give me that referral you fatty!




And so it goes