I Got IT!

Little S has eczema that seems to flare up for no rhyme or reason. When she gets a flare up we cover the area twice a day with a prescription cream and then smother her in Crisco. I know it sounds crazy but in a day or two it usually goes away.

My hubby on the weekends gives the kids a bath. So I reminded him about using the cream after her bath.

Its in the second draw I reminded him by the diaper rash cream.

Got it he said.

After the bath I heard crying and the sounds of a struggle. I wandered into the bathroom.

He seemed really annoyed and told me I got it! I did it last night it was fine it'll be fine again tonight! She just doesn't like it.

I looked around but the prescription cream was no where in sight.

But honey I don't see the prescription cream just the Crisco. I said trying not to sound like the nagging wife I am. What cream are you using?

The cream from the second draw. He barked at me.

I looked down my crying little baby was completely white like a ghost. She smelled like fish and seemed very put out.

And in my hubby's hand was the diaper rash cream.

Yes my hubby had covered my baby head to toe in destine.

I wondered why it was so hard to spread. He grumbled.

It Just Might Make Me Grumpy

I hate daylight savings time. Its disturbing. Getting up at 5:40am when you know its really 4:30am just throws me and makes me grumpy.

You know what else is disturbing and makes me grumpy. Going to your regular Mexican fast food joint and as you order seeing a toddler in a pink princess dress wandering through the kitchen on the other side of the cash register.

You know what make me even more grumpy is realizing that that toddler in the pink princess dress is your baby who your husband is supposed to be watching while you get the food.

Not that that happened on Sunday. Not my husband no way! He would never fail to realize that his baby in the pink princess dress had left the table wandered into a restaurant kitchen causing kitchen wide panic as the restaurant workers tried to stop my little girl from making her way to a large vat of guacamole in the back of the kitchen to stick her hand in it. Nor would he ever completely forget that we have two children who need consent supervision and become so engrossed in a set of instructions to build a balsa wood airplane that he would allow both children to wander freely through out the restaurant giving his son time to shove eight lemon slices with rind into his mouth while no one watched.

That same man would not look at me shrug and say I thought you had it covered. Nope cause that would make me mighty grumpy. Uh huh....

10 Reasons Why My Coffee Maker is Better Than My Husband

I know it is not right to create a list about why my coffee maker is better than my husband. Its not politically, morally or socially correct. In fact only a real sicko would create a list stating why their coffee maker was far superior to the father of her two children. Bad Suzie bad! So with that in mind:

10 Reasons Why My Coffee Maker is Better Than My Husband:

1. He always knows what I want
   
2. Every morning he is there steaming and hot
   
3. He can cook (well making coffee counts doesn't it)
4. He never complains about anything, ever for any reason
5. He never asks me how much I spent on that
6. He never throws his socks across the floor with wild abandon (OK he has no feet but you get the idea)
7. He never ever leaves used tissues in his cups when he is done with them -you know how important this one is to me
   
8. He never looks at my meatloaf with sadness in his eyes
   
9. He never pees on the toilet seat
10. (This is my favorite one!)I CAN TURN HIM OFF!
    

OK I cant stop:
11. He smells good
12. He never disagrees with my parenting techniques

Now this is getting scary:
13. He doesn't pick his toenails
14. He doesn't snore
15. He kisses like a pro
16. He is the sexiest coffee maker in the world!

OK now Ive crossed the line...I'm sorry...I am so ashamed

Bad Mommy Strikes Again

This morning little S woke up snotty and coughing and just generally ill. So I said to myself shes not sick. She's just a little tried.

The teacher in me said "Hey bad parent that child is sick. You cannot bring that baby to school."

The mommy in me said "This is curriculum morning at my school so its not at all a good day or week for a sick baby. She's fine."

The teacher me said "Hey bad parent you are bad bad bad. That baby is sick. You know the drill."

I walked around the apartment getting ready and tried to ignore that she was hot and sweaty and she gunk leaking out of her eyes as the teacher Suzie began chanting "bad mommy bad mommy".

I tired but after several rasping coughs that sounded like she had been singing in a smokey lounge all night and several sad little sickly wails I had to throw in the towel and admit she was (a little)sick.

"I know" I thought "I'll ask Hubby that way it wont be bad mommy at all making the decision it will be bad Daddy." I walked into my bedroom and woke up my hubby cradling my sicky baby. "Honey do you think she's too sick to go to school?"

The baby let loose a stream of green snot and rubbed her cakey little eyes. "Oh not at all. " My hubby croaked not opening up his eye to even check her out.


The baby decided the only way this was going to work was if she made the decision for us. She crawled out of my arms and curled up on his chest and with a little smile went to sleep.

So once again able to put on my perfect mommy crown I snuck out of the bedroom and took B to school.

I hope my Hubby notices shes there.


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By the way I do apologise again for my bug stories. I will try to stop myself fwriting something gross for at least a week. I wont even blog about the strange bug on the wall last night that leapt on my hubby and tried to burrow in his face. So instead I will show great restraint and will cease and desist all bug stories for as long as I can.

Who Needs Sleep Anyway

I am very very tired. S was up at 4am to watch early morning infomercials and have a little sip of boob juice. Afterwards she stretched out let go a big fart and went back to sleep.

I climbed back into bed with an hour and half left to sleep and thoughts of the super vac and bow flex in my head and started to drift back to sleep. Suddenly I felt a hurricane of wind strike me from the side. My hubby's c-pack mask (a device for people with sleep apnea that causes a high pressure of air to go in ones nostrils to control breathing) came loose. I yelled above the rushing air "Honey fix your mask". He gave me a thumb up sign and fell back asleep. I pulled myself against the torrid of air and tried to adjust the mask myself. Finally I got it.

I curled back up and closed my eyes and again was hit with force of wind knocking me against the head board. Apparently he had turned over and pried it loose. I yelled "Honey please the c-pack please." Again the thumbs up sign and no move to adjust anything. My hair whipping in the wind I crawled across the bed and stuck my fingers in his nose. He woke up horrified. "Your C-pack" I stammered "please". He rolled over furiously and stuck the mask back on.

I laid back down again. Ahh 45 min left to sleep. If I could just SLURP SLURP SLURP...... Yes my neurotic dog had started licking his butt and whoosh the air hit us both knocking me off the bed and into my already crazy dog.

Needless to say I am very tired and we are now the proud owners of a Time Life collection of 80's love songs and 32 bottom of the foot detox patches.

It's Just Not There

The other day I was bathing my son my husband came running in and said to me where is your credit card? I told him it was in my purse on the stroller. He ran out a few minutes later he ran back in. Where ? He yelled its not there. I heard him moving things around and he kept yelling he couldn't find it so I walked out and things were every where. Yet, there on the stroller was my purse untouched with the credit card in it. This is not a one time thing by any means. I can't tell you how many times I have told my hubby his keys were on the table just to have him freak out that he cant find it all during which his keys were sitting on the you guessed it table.

I'm not sure what causes it. My hubby is a very intelligent man. He can knows the director of just about any film you name. He can mix a really mean martini but he cant find anything to save his life. Maybe its caused by a shift in the space time continuum. Maybe he is temporally kidnapped by aliens and has the finding things part of his brain disabled whatever it is it is really strange.

The other day my son asked me where his bobo was (pacifier for you laymen) I told him it was on the couch. He started to cry and told me he couldn't find it and yet there it was on the couch. I'm getting really scared now is it catching...should I alert the FBI?


Still not here...miss me?

Hubby To The Rescue

I'm not trying to complain(who me no never) its just not my style (yeah right) but now I can see why women usually get stuck doing the child raising. Its not that were better (we so are) its just that we're... hmm... whats the right word... a little more focused.

Last night when Hubby came home I ran into the bedroom shut and locked the door and tried to take a little disco nap before making dinner. Fifteen minutes later I was awakened by a sad little voice calling, "Mommy...Mommy... Mommy...Mommy...Mommy...Mommy..."

I stumbled bleary eyed out of the bedroom and found B sitting on the potty every magazine was strewn around him on the floor along with an entire roll of toilet paper unravelled and wet. "Mommy...I went poopy." I looked around for my hubby and there was no sign. I looked into the living room and there was S munching on something very crunchy I ran into the other room and pried a piece of wood out of her mouth. Still no hubby. I cleaned up the bathroom and helped B wipe while giving S some cheerios to help her forget about her delicious meal of wood.

I wandered into the kids room and there was my Hubby laying on the floor talking on the phone. He shushed me when I went to ask him what on earth was going on. Important phone call I guess. I love my Hubby I do and he is a great Dad but really.... Next time I think it might just be less work to stay awake.

A Letter To Share Holders

(Warning this post is a little racy, in sort of the stupid variety)

My hubby is running for the board of our co-op. Usually no one runs. in fact he served last year because no one else ran and they asked him to serve. But for some reason this year the competition has heated up. People are going door to door trying to get votes. They are making fliers to slip under every ones doors. Its like a Hillary and Obama fight right in our very own building. I told my hubby if he wants to serve he better write a letter too. I guess I've sort of ended up nagging him a little because yesterday after several email on the subject I received this in my email with the heading A Letter To Shareholders :

How's this,

I wanted to introduce myself to you. My name is Hubby and I am running for a position on the board. I have lived in the building since 2001. I live with my wife, Dr. Suzie, and my two little children, B and S.

But there's a lot more you don't know me about me. For example, I have an enormous Johnson. Enormous. People come from far away to play ring toss with it.

Please vote for me.

Suzie - what do you think?

What can I say? I don't know if it will help him get elected but he may be awfully popular in the building from now on.

For Shame!

I do not usually complain about my husband on my blog but I must today. Let me start this by saying my hubby is a wonderful supportive man who is very sexy and fun and a great husband but today I gotta vent.

Our sleeping arrangements are sad. My husband snores. I mean really snores. The type of snore that wakes up people in other rooms even on different floors from him. In fact he has woken up the baby from the other room with the door closed. It is the type of snore the military could harness and use for standoff situations like Wacko Texas. We have tried snore strips, sprays humidifiers the works. I have even tried complaining endlessly about it but that too seems to have no effect on his super sonic snore.

Due to this problem I sleep on the couch. We sort of do it in shifts. Hubby stays in the living room on the couch until around 2am and I sleep on the bed getting up frequently to nurse. Lately I have realized the folly of this as 2am usually falls in the middle of feedings while S is still asleep so I have asked Hubby to just stay on the couch until she gets up again or I take the couch after her first feeding. I know its all rather complicated by suffice it to say I have worked it out so if possible I don't have to get up every two hours for no reason.

Well last night at 2am after having just gotten up an hour before for a nursing Hubby wakes me up for no reason at all. He was sick and he wanted the bed. He could have turned on the baby monitor. He could have slept on the couch himself. He could have had some sympathy for a woman who has been continuously tortured by lack of sleep. But no. Nope he woke me up right in the middle of the longest stretch of sleep I can have. I was so mad I wanted to just march back in the bedroom and wake him up every two hours. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to complain endlessly. I wanted to shame him on my blog (no I would never do that) I wanted to.. I don't know but it was bad. Instead I lay on the couch seething and fell back asleep just in time for Sophie to wake me up again.

Sportacus would never wake me up at 2am!