The Monster Strikes Again

This weekend my wonderful son was once again replaced with the dreaded monster. I have no idea what happened when the monster arrived but he had a great time. He threw chocolate milk at our baby sitter. He peed in the bank he peed on the carpet and he peed on the side of the crib (from the outside!). The monster tried to push the swimming teacher into the pool. He ripped off all his clothes in Bed Bath and Beyond and pooped on the floor.

I tried everything to get through to the monster. I tried talking threatening, yelling, time outs, consequences, Every time I tried to talk, threaten, cajole, time out the monster he would look up at the sky and chant …Nya nya nya. Obviously a monster war cry.

Finally I bought the monster a hot dog for lunch. (I know I know bad Mommy hot dogs are evil but I was desperate). The monster took the hot dog and threw it at my hubby and clocked him right between the eyes. That was it. I picked that monster up threw him over my shoulder and carried him right out of the eating establishment. I took him outside and that monster looked at me and I saw fear in its eyes. I took out my pointer finger you know the angry one and I waved it in that monsters face.

I was at the end of my rope the edge of my ledge the corner of my microwave shelf metaphorically speaking. I yelled and waved and pointed and tried very very hard not to whack that monster right in the seat of the pants. Finally after what seemed like a life time of yelling and finger waving that monster seemed to shrink. He backed up and ran away and my sweet little boy looked up at me and said I’m sorry mommy. I don’t know why but it had worked. Maybe it was the malice in my eyes or I had hypnotized him with my finger but whatever it was I had won the monster was gone….at least for today!

The Monster Strikes Agian

I remember my son as a sweet little boy. Lately the monster, the one who is responsible for the crayon marks on the wall, toys flushed in the toilet and global warming has taken resident in my sons body. I keep hoping every day my sweet little boy will return but the monster seems to be getting stronger by the hour.

Yesterday the monster spit all over the bathroom mirror rolled the baby over and over again all over the carpet like a log ( I only discovered this when it got a little too quiet in the living room as I was making super). Put the TV remote in the bath. And screamed until I thought my ears would bleed.

So in response to the presence of the monster I have taken to yelling...a lot. I try not to. I start out talking very rationally

Honey please don't stick crayons in the dogs ears. He really doesn't like it.

But as the day goes on I tend to get more worked up,

Sweetie DO NOT PUT THE BABY IN THE DIAPER BIN! I MEAN IT!

Until I am just yelling like a crazy person,

STOP IT! DON'T LICK THAT! DON'T FLUSH THAT...STOP THE... THE OH MY GOODNESS WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?

I think I've discovered there is no way to win with The Monster I just hope I can hang in there until my beautiful boy comes back...he will come back..right?