Sadness

My friend died. He has been my friend since middle school. I loved him I always thought he'd be in my life. I knew he was sick but somehow on emails it just didn't seem so serious. I thought he'd get better I thought we'd hang out dance have fun again. But he died and its so awful I can barely breath. I want to scream and cry and by doing these things I want him to come back and not still be dead. But its pointless no matter what I do he'll be dead. I will never see him again no one will share those memories we shared for all those years with me again. Ill never get those quirky emails again. He'll never meet my kids he'll never see my face and Ill never see his again. Its just so sad. I feel like there is a big hole in my heart. Its raw and ugly and shameful and just so sad.

I have no friends to have a drink with to toast his memory with to tell the old stories to. Everyone is far away and I feel so alone. I don't know what to do and in reality none of it matters because nothing is going to change anyway. It is what it is. Death is final and I just want to go to sleep and wake up and have it all be better but none of that will happen will it.

Please Sir May I Have Some Sleep

Today I am frazzled and sort of miserable. I was up again every two and half hours. I woke up and thought my life is just falling to pieces but then I thought maybe I am just delirious from no consecutive sleep. I mean I am sure they use this sort of torture in Gantanimo Bay. I keep hoping someone will come and offer me a full nights sleep but it never happens. Even on the weekend everyone gets to nap but me.

Last night I was sitting at home after a full days work with my kids. S would cry every time I got up. B was hungry. The laundry needed to be put away so did all the dishes. The dinner needed to be cooked, diapers needed to be changed, baths needed to be given. The dog needed a walk the apartment was a mess and I was alone and supposed to do it all. Somehow on top of this I am supposed to lose 40 pounds be well dressed and get it all together to run a school every day. I was just so overwhelmed I wanted to cry.

I'm not sure how people do this. I read blogs all the times of women who overcome horrific odds, run a family and work smiling all the time. I feel like I am barely holding it together most of the time and counting down the days to what I do not know. I love having my baby. I love holding her soft sweet smelling body next to mine. I even love the little squeak she does as she poos. She is more wonderful than I ever imagined she could be. I love my son so much I can barely breath. I love hearing his silly stories and watching his goofy dances. I love his gooey kisses on my cheek. I wouldn't trade them in for the world. I know I am lucky But hell I am so exhausted and overwhelmed I've never worked so hard in my life and I am a very hard worker. I hope I hope it gets easier or I figure out a better way to deal with this all.

My Life In Verse

I am feeling very sorry for myself as of late so I have created this poem to express my pain and general angst (and hunger) but really just to complain.

I'm so blue
What can I do
My weight is high
my cholesterol to the sky
We didn't get the apartment on which we bid
One bathroom with four of us what a way to live
My shoes are ugly
some friends are acting fugly
and I just wanna cry
or eat a big plate of cheese fries
The End

Not so great. Perhaps I could try this as a Limerick:

There once was a girl from New York
Who wanted cheese fries with a fork
She had ugly shoes
and her weight, health, bathroom situation, mean friends and general angst, gave her the blues
so she decided to give in and pork

Even worse. How about as a Haiku:

Cheese fries I love you
I am sad everything sucks
Boo hoo poor poor me

Much better.