Thursday, May 21, 2009

Sadness

My friend died. He has been my friend since middle school. I loved him I always thought he'd be in my life. I knew he was sick but somehow on emails it just didn't seem so serious. I thought he'd get better I thought we'd hang out dance have fun again. But he died and its so awful I can barely breath. I want to scream and cry and by doing these things I want him to come back and not still be dead. But its pointless no matter what I do he'll be dead. I will never see him again no one will share those memories we shared for all those years with me again. Ill never get those quirky emails again. He'll never meet my kids he'll never see my face and Ill never see his again. Its just so sad. I feel like there is a big hole in my heart. Its raw and ugly and shameful and just so sad.

I have no friends to have a drink with to toast his memory with to tell the old stories to. Everyone is far away and I feel so alone. I don't know what to do and in reality none of it matters because nothing is going to change anyway. It is what it is. Death is final and I just want to go to sleep and wake up and have it all be better but none of that will happen will it.

35 comments:

Queen of Pith said...

Sorry. Hugs.

Tay said...

I am so sorry. Death is such a hard thing. I had a good friend die a couple years back and it sent me through so many cycles of grief and pain. The best thing to do is not hold back your feelings for a little while and THEN try to feel normal again. There will always be a little emptiness inside, but it gets easier to deal with as every year passes. Much love!

adrienne said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

I am so, so sorry. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry Suzie. I'll pray for you.

Susan said...

I'm so very sorry.

namaste said...

oh i am sooo sorry, suzie. this must be so painful for you.

(((hugs!)))

The Mrs. said...

so very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. (((HUGS)))

Vic said...

You won't get him back, but it WILL be better than what you feel right now. But right now hurts, and I'm really sorry.

When you're ready, you can tell us the stories, if you want to. I'd love to hear them.

A hug from me too.

Laurie said...

I, too, am sorry for your loss.

I'll make a toast tonight, to all our friends everywhere who have touched our hearts and souls...and I'll think of you and your dear friend as I raise my glass.

I know it hurts.
hugs.

Rebecca Ramsey said...

I'm very sorry. That is so sad.
I'll be thinking of you.
Becky

Aunt LoLo said...

Oh, Suzie...I'm so sorry. Everything you said makes sense, and I know it hurts. The screaming and crying will make you feel better, at first, if that's what you want to do.

Take care of yourself. We're all here for you!

Veronica said...

Oh sweetie. (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry.

Ali said...

I'm so sorry.

Scintilla @ Bell'Avventura said...

It turns your world upside down, doesn't it? Big hug.

Tina said...

how horrible for you. sorry. i dont know what to say to ease your pain. hope you ok. take care x

Maria said...

So sorry for your loss. I have an idea of what you're going through, my childhood friend from 3rd grade on passed away a year and a half ago. I felt there was no one to walk down memory lane with me. I wished I had said so much. I did find sharing stories with his Mom not only helped her but me as well. I also jotted down little memories for a small scrapbook for his kids, so they can have a special little memory book of when he was a kid. I will be praying for your comfort and big hugs!

Vered - MomGrind said...

I'm so sorry, Suzie.

Pam said...

So sorry dear Suzie.I send thoughts of love to you so that you don't feel quite so alone in this difficult time of grieving. I cannot begin to imagine how sad you must be feeling.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I'm so sorry! There is just nothing to say that can make this better...

tiff said...

Biggest of hugs for you.

Ailurophile said...

So sorry to learn about your friend's passing away. Sending you well wishes. Hope you start feeling better soon..

http://www.papermoonies.blogspot.com said...

Hey Suzie I am sorry for your loss. Thankfully you can have those memories for ever. It might help you if you take some photo's you have of you and he and write down the memories in a scrap book way or better yet a personal art journal, you can write down everything you feel and dont edit yourself while your doing it.
I now follow you.
Brittany
http://www.papermoonies.blogspot.com

Michele said...

I never know what to say to anyone when they lose someone close to them. Maybe this is why I now volunteer with a hospice??

Death is very surreal, isn't it? It sound like he had a tremendous impact in your life, so hold on to those close thoughts.

He will always have a place in your heart, regardless of the hole that is now there.

April said...

i'm so sorry, suzie. ((hugs))

Debbie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe you can find a great way to honor his memory even though everyone else is far away.

kari and kijsa said...

We are so, so sorry. Truly sorry.
kari & kijsa

neb said...

Suz, So sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you.

Neb

Helen said...

I came to visit today and read this post, as well as your printer post.

... ' you won't break me ~ I am stronger than that'

As devastated as you are over your friend's death .... I believe the statement you made about the dastardly printer is who you are.

Grieve now, remember him always, celebrate his life in meaningful ways.

honeywine said...

There's nothing to do and that's the absolutely worst part. The last year has had several people in my life leave this world and they each hit me time and again. I'm so sorry, sweetie. :(

King of New York Hacks said...

My condolences. Write a post about all the good times. You have an angel on your shoulder now.

docgrumbles said...

Oh, Suzie, I am so sorry for your loss.

Chimera said...

I can't believe I wasn't there for you! Argh...I am so very sorry Suzie. Was completely embroiled with dad's visit and only just caught up with your blog.
Will try and call.
T xxxx

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I'm sure you have great memories and that will help you cope with his loss. I am very sorry.

forgetfulone said...

I realize how late I am, but I just haven't had any time the past two weeks with the end of school in sight. So busy. I know. No excuse. I want to tell you how sorry I am about your friend. Feel free to share your memories here, though. We always have an ear to listen.

 
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