Sadness

My friend died. He has been my friend since middle school. I loved him I always thought he'd be in my life. I knew he was sick but somehow on emails it just didn't seem so serious. I thought he'd get better I thought we'd hang out dance have fun again. But he died and its so awful I can barely breath. I want to scream and cry and by doing these things I want him to come back and not still be dead. But its pointless no matter what I do he'll be dead. I will never see him again no one will share those memories we shared for all those years with me again. Ill never get those quirky emails again. He'll never meet my kids he'll never see my face and Ill never see his again. Its just so sad. I feel like there is a big hole in my heart. Its raw and ugly and shameful and just so sad.

I have no friends to have a drink with to toast his memory with to tell the old stories to. Everyone is far away and I feel so alone. I don't know what to do and in reality none of it matters because nothing is going to change anyway. It is what it is. Death is final and I just want to go to sleep and wake up and have it all be better but none of that will happen will it.