Friday, February 27, 2009

I Hate My Scale

Its official I am obsessed with my scale.

Its a love hate obsession kind of thing. It sits by the side of my toilet mocking me calling to me. It says weigh yourself you know you want to. I resist its evil call NO I think I will only weigh myself once a week but each morning I give in.

I get up strip down and step upon its silver footprints. It lies says one weight, them another. I reposition my feet hoping to see that first weight the lower one. I stand on one foot then the other I turn around and yet it lies again telling a completely new weight a bigger one. I know I would stand on my hands if that would help.

It laughs at me.

Ha ha says my scale. You are my puppet I will now pull your strings. I try to break away I put the scale back. The next thing I know it is out again and I have moved it to a new location one where it will surely tell me a skinnier weight (yes, I remember now this is the skinny place) and it does briefly before once again flashing an entirely new weight. I get upset and prepare to step off when it flashes a weight completely unrelated a goal weight it knows I long to see.

Yes I think Ill take that weight.

I put the scale away. Get the kids dressed drink some coffee and find nature calling me. As soon as I finish I see the scale calling me again.

Come on it
beckons you must have lost a few ounces at least. Now you'll get to see what you really weigh.

No I think this is crazy. I will not fall for your erratic numbers I am too strong.

Before I know what has happened I am naked again staring at the digital read out hoping to see a dainty weight
my high school weight
he weight of Kira Knightly after a very large sandwich.

Instead suddenly I find I weight three pounds more.

Disgusted I step away vowing tomorrow I will not be your fool you evil scale. But as I close the bathroom door I swear I can hear evil laughter.

32 comments:

momcat said...

Banish the evil scale from the house!

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Funny!
My New Years Resolution was to weigh myself every day. I quit after four days and now it sits in the corner of my bathroom, daring me to come stand on it. I'm too afraid!

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Fix.the.scale.
Adjust it to the point that it will tell you that you weigh twenty pounds less than the truth.
It'll make your day.

Sincerely,

Queen of De Nile

Suzie said...

IS it just me or is my google ad thing filled with eating disorder centers...uh oh

Ren @ The Land of Ren said...

You should definitely chuck the scale out of the house. It won't be laughing then!

I got hair loss and self motivation in my ads.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Throw out the scale. Go by clothing size only. Scales are evil and ruin lives.

Madge said...

i bet they have secret scale blogs where all our scales get on-line and tell horrible stories about all us suckers who can't stay away from them and then cry in despair (ok, that's what happens at my house)

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I threw my scale out and the only time I am tortured is when I go to the doctor.

Vered - MomGrind said...

Repeat after me: "I won't weigh myself more than once a week."

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

I must have your scale's evil cousin. It sucks. I hate the scale.

Chimera said...

Take scale. Take large hammer. Take said instruments into a park. Take hammer and smash scale to very small fragments. Take fragments and place on face then shake them off. Not only will you feel better but you will find the scales fall from your eyes (yeah..bad puns R us) and you see how lovely you really are.
Cuz xxx

Valarie Lea said...

This is the reason I do not have a scale!!!!!!! Evil pure Evil!!!!1

Michele said...

Scales are stupid. Let your clothes be your guide. Within a span of 1 month at 2 different doctors offices I have "gained" 10lbs., which I know is impossible. I made Paul get rid of our scale when he moved in, as I used to have eating disorders. My life is much less stressful without one!

Michele said...

p.s. yup, I have eating disorder ads, too! Sick.

adrienne said...

Hee-hee, Kira Knightly after a very large sandwich...

April said...

UHG. for two years i stepped on my scale every day and recorded the number. not for any great reason, i wasn't dieting. but i've *finally* recently broken the habit. and now my jeans are getting tight :-/

DAMN YOU SCALE!!!

Susan said...

I have always been enthralled by the scales. The lithium batteries were supposed to last 10 years in my scales and I have to replace them every year. Did you know that you will almost always weigh less after your shower? It's true. Also, to keep from having to disrobe every time, I also know how much my clothing weighs and do the math. "I am wearing 3 pounds of clothes, so I can deduct and only weigh..." I know it's is obsessive, but I weigh myself several times a day. Not week, day. Ahh, no baggage here, huh?

BTW, I am holding your heart, whenever you get the time, I'll send it. No rush.

WillThink4Wine said...

Off with its head! You are the Queen, after all.

Mark said...

You crack me up! Have a nice weekend!

postacademic said...

Congrats by the way on having the illness weight loss - but I recommend only stepping on scale after abstemious evening of steamed fish and veggies.

postacademic said...

Congrats by the way on having the illness weight loss - but I recommend only stepping on scale after abstemious evening of steamed fish and veggies.

Maria said...

I think the best place for scales is a target range. Lord knows I want to take mine out back and treat it with a 12gauge shotgun!! I keep having that dream, and as I do, I have that evil, Corilla Develle laugh.... ***Sighs***

Ali said...

My husband sometimes tries to hide ours from me. Scales are not my friend.

The Mrs. said...

hmmm we have similiar scale issues. With all this morning sickness the numbers are actually going down (probably faster then they should). But I still hate the damn thing. Of course not nearly as much as flyboy. I fear for the scales health when he's near it.

Debbie said...

Scales lie. There are known for that. Don't believe it if it doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

forgetfulone said...

Right now, I hate my blood. It told the doctor I had high cholesterol, and now I have to watch what I eat and exercise so he doesn't put me on medication. I think the scale might cooperate with me if I'm able to manage to follow this prescribed diet. But, then again, scales lie!

Helen said...

I swear ~ this is one of the funniest (most relevant/honest) posts I've read in a while .... I go ape%%** when my scale reads ERROR and have to do it all over again - and it's usually half a pound more.

MichelleG said...

Why weigh yourself at all???
Of course sudden weight gain/loss could indicate a medical problem, but if that should ever happen surely you will feel/see it anyway, right?
And there is generally no need to know the exact number. Unless you are going bungee jumping I guess...?
Are you? :-s

TattingChic said...

LOL! Your post was so funny! I would love to say that I can totally relate, but I cannot. I just bought a scale a week ago and I haven't found the courage to step on it yet...YIKES!

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