Thursday, February 19, 2009

An Infomercial of Lies

Last night B was on a screaming jag. For some reason he was very worked up that the water next to his bed that I had just poured was not fresh. So he sat in his bed crying and screaming at the top of his lounges scaring the poor baby out of her skull. I offered to change it for him I offered to have him change it. I held him I rocked him. I yelled I threatened but to no avail.

So my hubby and I sat in the living room listening to the screaming trying not to freak out while playing with the TV volume so we could hear anything above the ear splitting screams. When suddenly we heard:

Are your children making you crazy?
We both turned drawn to the magical voice on the TV

Do you feel like you are living in a battle zone?

We both nodded in unison. Eyes wide

Are you sick of the back talking, arguing? Do you wish you could just have your sweet child back?

Yes Yes ! We chanted

We have the solution to bring peace back to your family again.

We grabbed each others hands nodding and smiling. Yes they have the solution it will all be OK.

Just call 1-888-badkid

Before I knew what I was doing I had grabbed the phone. I dialed I knew would do anything they said military school, join the Moonies or shave my head. Heck I'd even launch him into space.

Hello you've reached 1-888-badkid are you ready to bring peace to your home?

We are! We shouted. We Are!

Are you ready to be friends with your child and stop the shouting and end the threats?

We are! We are!

So how old is your teenager?

ummm..4

Oh umm this program is for 12-18 year olds.

...
damn.

..probably couldn't afford it anyway

26 comments:

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Well shoot.
I've got a great pair of earmuffs. Shall I send them to you?

Kristin H. said...

Yes, your kid might currently be acting like an alien, but at least you can fit into your skinny jeans.

Cat said...

He's jumping the shark a bit on the teenage queendom, don't you think? Just trying to get ahead of the game, I am sure.

I promise I am not laughing right now.

Mrs Parks said...

Noooo, but now you have time to save up for it$$

Kmommy said...

Hilarious! If it sounds too good to be true, apparently it is. I once got an email from a company wanting me to advertise their similar product and it cost around $300 for a book and a dvd!

Debbie said...

Just hang on to that number. You will need it again one day:)

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I think you've discovered a new niche market. Someone should totally capitalize on this...

WillThink4Wine said...

See... And I would have taken the bad water away and walked out of the room, 'cause that's what my did would've done. After 8 kids, nothing phased my Dad anymore. He's bullet-proof. Actually, I think that happened before the 7th kid. I wouldn't recommend having 8 kids though. It hardly seems worth it.

Valarie Lea said...

Have you tried screaming louder than him???? Reverse screaming it just might work. :)

Brooke said...

I feel your pain!

Annie said...

I like the reverse screaming idea.

Of course, you could also substitute that water with vodka...

:-)

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Maybe B needs to just watch the infomercial and that will scare him straight! This is why we always keep lots of alcohol in the house.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

seems B is advanced for his age. lol

Vered - MomGrind said...

It gets way better when they're in elementary school - they really aim to please then - but sure, then they hit 13 and it's all downhill from there.

Sigh.

Susan said...

Try the whisper technique. Start whispering to him and maybe he will quiet down. I don't have any little ones of my own, but I used to be the "Baby Whisperer" for the babies of my co-workers. It was crazy how often it worked. If that doesn't work, you only have eight years to wait to start the infomercial program.

Helen said...

...and this too shall pass! Promise.

Ali said...

Don't worry, by the time he's a teenager you'll be lucky to get grunts and single words out of him!

honeypiehorse said...

Wow, bummer.

honeypiehorse said...

Wow, bummer.

Veronica said...

Earplugs? A sound proof room? No?

I got nothing else.

The Mrs. said...

HA! only 8 more years and then I'll promptly give them a call!

adrienne said...

Call Super Nanny!

Ren @ The Land of Ren said...

I feel your pain! They need a program like that for the 2-4 set.

Pam said...

What did you do when they said it was only for 12-18 year olds? I'd be screaming at the top of my lungs, followed by a good fat gulp of stale water. Breathe.

Heather said...

NyQuil.

No not for him - for YOU!

I've been sick this last week, and I discovered that when I'm on NyQuil, Cakes can scream all she wants. I don't notice, because that stuff knocks me on my butt!

TattingChic said...

LOL! Only a few more years and you, too, can enjoy the company of B as a teenager!!! Maybe the program offered on the TV will be new and improved! Save that number!

 
template by suckmylolly.com : background by Tayler : dingbat font TackODing