Thursday, May 28, 2009

Im Going On A Trip!

So I am ready to go on vacation to Club Med for a week. How do I know? These are my subtle clues:

I just slammed my head into a door and I am here at my desk typing with a big slab of butter and salt on my head. (Apparently its an old remedy to stop my head from swelling some of the teachers applied to my head with glee.)

A bug flew into my eye this morning causing terrible pain and lots of snickering.

I didn't sleep at all last night partly due to everyone having bad dreams in shifts and partly due to my own bad dreams about airports and screaming children.

I have bronchitis and sound so much like Darth Vader I'm sure they will kick me off the plane for spreading the Swine Flu.

Yes As you night have guessed I am not the best traveler. I have nightmare about planes and the smallest amount of turbulence sends me into a fit and I attract disaster and door frames in the days leading up to a trip but I am going. And I am going to have fun. I better after all this.

My goal is to make it through the rest of today without loosing a limb or a vital organ and hopefully I will see you all in a weeks time.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The DMV Strikes Again

Well I did it. I now have a learners permit.

I walked into that DMV held held high...well not too high as they might recognize me from the other two times I was escorted out of the DMV. Presented my 15 different types of ID including my library card, cable bill and an offer for a 0% interest credit card from Herbie's Bank and Chicken wings shack and took my test. It was nerve wracking but I sat in my little desk and answered questions about stop signs and yielding and other driving stuff. I waited for the results and then was called to the counter to be told yes indeed I had passed.

I screamed with joy hugged the clerk who almost called security and ran out clutching my new leaner's permit. It may have taken me two tries, being thrown out twice and being told I didn't have enough ID over and over and over again but I did it. I ran gleefully to the elevator when three things stopped me cold :

1. I had just passed a test many 15 year old pass on the first time (it took me two tries Dr. Suzie!). I can hear the jokes now"Oh is it your 16 birthday today I must have forgot."

2. If I passed the actual test I was likely to become every ones personal driver. Oh Mommy could you drive me to soccer? Mom can I go to the mall? Mommy can you drive down town and bail me out of jail it wasn't my fault I swear!

3. If I went to a wedding or party I would likely become the designated driver and never be able to drink and have fun again. Hey Suzie a tequila shot accidentally fell into my mouth i guess your gonna have to drive the three hours back to NYC.

This little piece of paper was no longer my triumph it was a stupid move a dumb move one that would haunt me for all time. First I should have never learned to cook. Second I should have never started cleaning ever. I should have lived in filth until someone other than me learned to clean. The one thing I had going for me was not knowing how to drive and now silly me silly know it all Suzie was now going to do it all.

I hate you DMV! It's all your fault!
By the way thank you all for your kind thoughts. Having my bloggy friends support is such a wonderful thing. I know this death will take a long time to come to terms with but having a place to vent and laugh is such a valuable thing.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


My friend died. He has been my friend since middle school. I loved him I always thought he'd be in my life. I knew he was sick but somehow on emails it just didn't seem so serious. I thought he'd get better I thought we'd hang out dance have fun again. But he died and its so awful I can barely breath. I want to scream and cry and by doing these things I want him to come back and not still be dead. But its pointless no matter what I do he'll be dead. I will never see him again no one will share those memories we shared for all those years with me again. Ill never get those quirky emails again. He'll never meet my kids he'll never see my face and Ill never see his again. Its just so sad. I feel like there is a big hole in my heart. Its raw and ugly and shameful and just so sad.

I have no friends to have a drink with to toast his memory with to tell the old stories to. Everyone is far away and I feel so alone. I don't know what to do and in reality none of it matters because nothing is going to change anyway. It is what it is. Death is final and I just want to go to sleep and wake up and have it all be better but none of that will happen will it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My Printer Is Possesed

I HATE MY PRINTER!!! It is a mean ugly printer that is obviously out to get me. Ask me go on ask me what I have been doing for the last two days. Sadly enough I have been trying to get my printer to print. I'm not sure if its having an identity crisis maybe now it thinks it is a bread machine and not a printer maybe that's why it will not print but if that was the case shouldn't I be greeted each morning with a nice sour dough roll or some sliced pumpernickel. I keep waiting but no. My printer does not think it is a bread machine. Maybe it giving me the cold shoulder for some passing cartridge comment. Well printer I didn't mean it. I'm sorry please please print....

Obviously I am loosing it. What gal in her right mind would spend 48 hours trying to fix a misguided printer? What girl would dream solutions in her sleep which would obviously be greeted with failure in the morning when her paper weight of a printer would stare at her in disgust and laugh at her sad attempts at trying to get her to print.

I don't care printer! You wont break me. I am stronger than that.

In other news I am going to the DMV tomorrow. If you turn on your TV tomorrow and see a girl being escorted out of the DMV in a straight jacket with a printer under her arm and laughing hysterically just turn the channel. Please don't watch my shame.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

That Shamoo guy

We have been having a sleep strike in my house. Little S has decided the only way she will sleep if I am in the room. She is very specific as she is the queen of everything and must be obeyed. I must sit on a little blue stool right next to her bed legs in front of me and back turned to her bed. If I fail to disobey in any way ie cross legs or face the wrong way I am rewarded with up to 2 hours of screaming. The type of screaming it is impossible to ignore, watch tv through or have any type of conversation that does not involve saying "Huh? What?" a couple of hundred times.

Now for you first time parents out there I know you are horrified by my ability to let my child scream for an extended period of time (its true I would have never done it with my first) and be so callous as to hold a conversation during it but when the second one comes around you realize as long as they are not bleeding, killing one another with sharp objects or have lost a limb they are fine and crying is not gonna hurt them. That's how I roll anyway.

So after several days of enduring the screaming with no end in sight I enrolled the help of little B. I explained that Little S was very upset about sleeping and could he help. After careful consideration and a few ice pops he agreed.

So I put B to the test and wouldn't you know it within 45 min S was asleep no screaming no muss no fuss. I heard him say things like S I love you but I am very tried so you will have to go to sleep now. And lay down S I'm here with you. I think he sprinkled some fairy dust cast a magic spell and poof she was asleep.

I now know the truth B is blessed with magical sleeping powers. I had no idea he was a sleep guru. That fairy dust magic sleep thing is a gold mine. I now see the possibilities and will be renting him out to do his magic for only $999.99 nightly. I can see it now the shamoo guy trying to hawk little B's sleeping abilities. Maybe a late night infomercial. Watch out QVC here we come!

Friday, May 8, 2009

My Life of Crime

I was gonna take a bloggy break but then I I went out. I hear the gasps out there. Yes I really went out. Thus here is the after post. Its sort of like the after glow but with typing instead of smoking.

So I went out. We hired a babysitter and everything and went out to a party. OK it really wasn't a party. In fact it was some travel agent event where they tried to hawk expensive vacations that we couldn't afford in a 100 years. But there was free food and drinks so lets call it a party.

So at the party there were tables set up advertising different trips that we would never go on. We walked around and took the small amounts of strange swag they offered. We had luggage locks and bookmarks and even a bandanna. But on this one table they had these banks that were shaped like penguins. They were so cute I could imagine the look of joy on my kids face as I handed them the penguin in the morning. I asked if I could have one but was told no they were just for display.

As the night wore on I got a little tipsy and suddenly that bank looked mighty appealing and before I knew it I had that bank in my grubby little hands. Yes I stole a penguin bank me Suzie the mother, wife and moral compass for the family. I was a thief and whats worse I liked it. I laughed and hid it feeling so bad ass. The old Suzie was back. I was dangerous and wild and the bank was mine. I had done it. I was home free.

When suddenly a hand tapped me on the shoulder.

Give me the bank.

I turned and there was a very angry travel agent stamping her foot in anger and looking like she wanted to kill me.

She grabbed the penguin bank.

Just kidding I stammered.

No you weren't! She said as she walked away in obvious disgust with my thieving ways.

I guess I'm not cut out for a life of crime but for one shining moment that penguin bank was mine...all mine.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Where Have I gone?

I've been a bad blogger lately. Somehow I seem to have lost the drive, the joy de blogg, the muse of the blogg. There's a lot going on and each day I think today's the day I will blog about my hang nail or today's the day I will complain about my child's complete lack of interest in brushing his teeth but each day I seem to get caught up in this and that and before I know it I'm laying in bed wondering where the day has gone. Its sad but true. I think it happens to all bloggers eventually. Its not like nothing interesting is going on its just hard to keep up with it all and sadly blogging seems to fall to the bottom of the list each day.

What is also hard is enough people I know read this that I have to be careful about what I can say and the idea of self censoring while writing just gets overwhelming. I'm not sure what Ill do about all of this. I guess I'll post when I can and give myself a break if I take a break. Still love you guys and I plan to get back to my bloggyness when I can .

Friday, May 1, 2009

I Should Be Ashamed

I like to think of myself as a reasonable person. I am polite I try to be nice I dont curse or hit people. I might even be called mild mannered by some. But what most people don't know is that under this seemingly nice exterior is a temper. It doesn't show itself often but something about the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles for you foreign types) unleashes the volcano of anger that has been lying dormant in me for years.

I think it starts when they call me Ma'am. I know it is supposed to be polite but it makes me feel old and something about that ma'am word feels snarky and down right rude.

The next thing is the blank stare they give when the paper work they handed you and told you to fill out is now not the right paper work and they tell you to go stand in another line for the next twelve hours of your life to get another piece of paper.

It is at this point where I snap. I don't even drive but I made myself a promise I would drive by the age of 40. Its down to the wire as I am getting old and I thought (I guess in a naive laughable who do you think you are kind of a way) that getting the learners permit would be about studying and memorizing traffic signs not seeing if I could stop myself from freaking out at a DMV employee who just snapped her gum in my face while announcing that my New York State ID was not good enough proof of ID for New York State.

So I started off my Friday morning the way I did last Friday morning being escorted out of the DMV office by security. Yes, even keeled Suzie cursed and yelled and flailed her arms while screaming at the entire DMV office. Not once but twice!

What can I say.... I guess every superman has his red cryptonite and for sure the DMV is mine.

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