My Appliances Are Revolting

It began quietly enough first thing in the morning blurred eyed I awoke poured myself some coffee from my lover..the coffee maker. The one I trusted and loved sometimes more than...others in my household. When I finished I rinsed out the carafe and wiped it and before my eyes my trust was shattered as the carafe broke around my hand. Although I was unscathed a little piece of my heart broke too.

Little did I know this was the beginning of the revolt of the appliances.

Next it was my radiator. My mean hissing ugly radiator. It waits for the warmest days and then turns on full blast causing us to switch on the air conditioner in the dead of winter. It chokes us with its stifling dry heat it bangs it rumbles. It is evil and it wants to suck all moisture from the air. I know it plotting waiting biding its time to get me.

Then it was the oven. My reliable little range. I went to turn on the gas and was struck in the eye by a flying knob. After searching my postage stamp kitchen I finally found the culprit. I felt victorious but it was only the start. I turned on the oven and inserted my meatloaf. I thought I could see a twinkle in the gas ranges eye but I chalked it up to the flying handle. 30 min later I checked the meatloaf and to my horror and dismay it was cold and raw. I switched it to the broiler not willing to be bettered by my oven and the whole broiler draw came apart in my hands.

I am scared. I know they area all out to get me. I'm not sure if I can even trust the toilet anymore.

Wordless Wednesday

I know I should do Wordless Wednesday but after the big apartment disappointment I felt that my blogging time would be put to better use composing a poem to express my feelings. As I am never one to keep my emotions bottled up I have composed this ode to the apartment that got away.

Twas on a dark March night
my heart broke with fright
when the apartment next door
was sold like an old, sad, whore
you empty apartment next to us
old decrepit without fuss
I felt you could complete me
you never would leave me
but a stupid, rich, nasty, evil, rotten, loud talking, little teenage boy
thought you'd make a nice toy
he snatched you from me
waved his hands and said hee hee hee hee
so my dreams are all dashed
my heart tires are slashed

But have no fear
one day we will move from here
to Queens or Brooklyn we will go
for a new love will grow
we will look for a yard
and a bar that aint fard
and that house may be waiting
the price may be baiting

So I spit on you #1G
I take back my love from yee
and look to the future
and my heart has been souchered
So there!

Here's my wordless Wednesday thought:

Brittany Spears Shaves Llama! News At 10!

I am supposed to be giving this talk at a conference on education the last week in March. Its a big deal and I am very proud to have been accepted blah blah blah but now that the talk date is coming around I am starting to get very nervous. These days I find it hard to form a sentence let alone a hypothesis ( I misspelled this word three times). What if I find myself singing a song to settle all the conference people down for my talk? What if I start asking people if they need to go potty before I start? I don't think I remember how to talk to grown ups anymore. I mean when I do it at work we are discussing the potty and other such topics its not a far stretch but to talk about how terrorism and acts of war effect Daycare Centers (Yes I know its a horribly depressing subject) forget it. I can't even remember the paper I wrote.

Still no word about the apartment. I guess I have to put my faith in the universe and hope whatever happens its all for the best. Maybe if we don't get it we will think about leaving the city move to a different borough and look for a place with a backyard. I would love a backyard. I could open the door and say "GO OUTSIDE ALREADY! YOU KIDS ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!" and they would go. I guess I am trying to come to grip with the idea we may not get the place. I think its just not a good idea to empty out all our savings to get it. I know it will be o.k. if we don't but ARGHHHHH!!!!!

Apartment Update 3:45pm: After making our bid for his full insane asking price he does not take either of our bids (ours or the rotten teenager) instead he pulls it off the market and resubmits it for $35,000 dollars more. I don't know if that is legal but I know that is not ethical. So we are out of the running, fini, done, over the fat lady has sung.

Poop.

SHOW US YOUR BOOBZ!!!" or "EXCLUSIVE interview with love child of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama

For the last 6 years we have been trying to buy the apartment next door to us. Presently all four of us live in 1000 square feet with one potty. While this is much better than a lot of people in Manhattan the whole situation feels a little tight.

When I was a kid I thought if I ever had kids I would have a house. The kids would run downstairs in the morning and eat sugary cereal while watching smellovision while my filthy rich and totally hunky husband would snuggles close upstairs. We would warm up the hover car and sail off into sky for a picnic on Mars. Instead Manhattan real estate has created our reality of having to sit in the dark until the kids are asleep for fear of waking them and waiting for long periods of time for a chance to use the potty.

We have it better than most. I know lots of people who share 600 square feet for a family of five. My friend sleeps in the same bed with her 10 year old son a boa constrictor, two gerbils, one goldfish and cat. We are truly blessed but I REALLY WANT THAT APARTMENT NEXT DOOR.

So for the last 6 years we've been trying to convince this guy to sell. Finally he agrees to but at this insane price. I mean you could get a mansion for this price anywhere else. The place is small and run down but it would be heaven for us. We scrape together just enough money when some dipstick comes a long and bids for it. Now we are faced with sinking everything into this apartment I mean every scrap of savings we have or losing it to some rich teenager.

I have no idea what to do. I want it. I mean really want it. But what if Manhattan is blown into the sea or aliens from Venus take over Manhattan and every sent is tied up in this place? We would be penniless. My dream besides the hover car and smellovision (I do have the hunky husband) is to leave this rotten city and live somewhere where people are nice and we could have a house. However my hunky husband does not share my dream. So what to do? Whatever is gonna happen its gonna happen this week. Is it bad to hope this teenager is taken to Venus or is blown into the sea? Cause I do!

By the way thanks for the advice on getting more comments I love the title.