Monday, August 18, 2008

The Scum Buffet

This weekend we went to the park as all city families are forced to do by that rotten family guilt fairy who loves to make you do things that kids love and parents hate

Hubby and I entered the park (or as we call it the time warp, life sucking, place where all light and joy are funneled out its wrought iron gates) Little B entered Nirvana (i.e. the park)where petting unicorns and swinging by his feet on bars made of candy canes is an every day experience. Little S apparently entered a buffet of yummy filth and grime.

If you haven't figured it out already we aren't those kind of parents that monitor a child's every move. We are jaded second time parents who assume a kid will get into some trouble another words were too tired and sleep deprived to keep a really good eye on our little darlings.

An old lady who was sitting behind us first alerted us to Little S's first trip to the buffet as she shouted "Hey your baby has some old chewing gum in her mouth!" In horror and some slight annoyance I thanked her and shoved my finger into her mouth (the baby not the old lady) and removed an old nasty piece of grape gravel covered bubble gum.

I sat back again staring into space hoping time would move along faster or a cart filled with frozen cocktails pushed by greased up mute muscle men would mysteriously appear before me. When again the old lady piped up , "Hey your baby is eating an old band aid." I hoped up and again shoved my finger into her mouth. S yelled in anger reciting baby law number #32 section c. which clearly states that any old band aids found by said baby were clearly hers for the eating.

I sat back again keeping more of an eye on the old lady than the baby knowing in my heart of hearts it was only a matter of time before I heard , Hey lady your baby is eating a : an old toe nail (this one did happen no kidding it was a big one too) cigarette butt, baby wipe, doll head and or crack vile.

Crumbling under the pressure of the old lady's stare I made an executive decision and decided the scum buffet, Nirvana land, life sucking time warp park had served its purpose. We were all tired out hot cranky and filled with lots of trash. Taking the crack pipe from S's little hands and giving the guilt fairy a smack our little troop went on to greener pastures and had a healthy dinner at old Mc Donald's instead.

26 comments:

Rebecca Ramsey said...

You are hilarious.
And I'm sure you realize that all that nastiness is building up your baby's immune system in amazing ways!
What a selfless mommy you are!
Becky

the teach said...

Ah yes, McDonalds is always the best place for healthy, mind-numbing fat and salt-ridden meals... Suzie, glad you found pleasure in my waxing post. :)

Valarie said...

This is another reason why I don't take the kids to the park.

This is totally gross and probably inappropriate, but I am gonna tell it anyway. One time we were at a park and a little boy just dropped his drawers and took a dump in the mulch at the bottom of the slide. We have not been back since.

Kate said...

The bandaid was horrifying enough - but a toenail?? Sadly - the gum thing is not that unfamiliar to me- I remember that as a recurring theme with my brother when we were little.

Chimera said...

That my dearest Cuz, is The Most Disgusting thing I have read on the internet for many a moon..and believe me I search! I thought the old band aid was enough but the toe nail comment has completely floored me. I can't go any further forward in my life until I clean that image from my addled brain. Yeach and Bad Zen master..Bad!
..and then the Macdonalds?/ What would Super Kosher Butcher say?
T xxxx

Heather said...

Oh God. I've been through this. It's totally and completely disgusting, but look at the bright side...her immune system will be iron-clad.

That's what I'm telling myself anyway. But then, my kid brushes her teeth with toilet water, so...

Courtney said...

The band aid made me puke a little in my mouth.

WillThink4Wine said...

I'm more of a Wendy's kinda gal, myself. Unless it's breakfast, in which case I love a Breakfast Burrito from McDonald's! My poor sister does the park thing every day with her 8 year old twins, unless she's at the swimming pool. Then she has to drag them back to the house, with the terrible twosome - the almost 18 year old and the almost 21 year old who apparently never intend to do anything productive with their lives other than to make her life loud and crabilated. Poor thing.

Ren said...

That was great! I wish I didn't know what you were talking about, it's terrible the things kids put into their mouths and how angry they get when you try and take it out.

Colleen said...

MMMM. Band-aids. Mean Mommy, you!

Mark Salinas said...

Funny post...fun site! :)

Tales From the Eurovan said...

At my hometown city park my sister saw someone let their dog drink from the drinking fountain. Too gross! Take care, Julie

Brittany said...

HA! that was hilarious!

I pulled a condom wrapper from my kids mouth once at the park.

Disgusting.

Vodka Mom said...

thanks for the laugh. I walked in on my daughter when she was, oh, less than a year old. She was sitting on the floor with some little thing sticking out of her mouth. When I yanked her moth open, there was a HUGE ugly moth INSIDE HER MOUTH.

NOW, I don't even want to KNOW what's been in her mouth. (She's 18. that's right. you know what I'm talkin' about.)

honeywine said...

Eeewww...Pascal feels the same way about bandaids (and pantyliners). He's bitten both M. and I when we've taken them away from him (he promptly gets punished for that). He's a happy loveable fur ball until he gets his sweet sweet booty. lol

Heidi said...

yeah, I have a 5 year old who still puts everything in her mouth! We had the chewing gum incident just the other day. :) I hate going to the park too, but I think it's just a necessity when you don't have a backyard! :)

Vered said...

Oh, Suzie, you are so funny.

And you have a way of telling it like it is.

I am twittering (correct verb usage? who knows) this one and also stumbling it.

Thank you for the laugh!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

My mother always said you have to eat a peck of dirt before you die.

Veronica said...

Just think of her immune system...

silken said...

the joys of parenthood!! :)

thanks for stopping by my blog!

Susan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Mrs. said...

I must admit, and I only feel free to do this because of you, I. hate. the. park.

HATE IT.

It just stresses me out, the kids love it but dash-2 is like your little one, he will eat the woodchips and the elder is trying to do the things that he's not quite big enough for. And then all the cool moms are over on the park bench looking all suburban. sigh. Have I told you that I hate the park?

April said...

You and I would so get along. Where is the other parent who feels like this at those things?!? Why are they never sitting next to you so you can bitch in the moment?

Annie said...

My stomach actually turned over when I read 'old toe nail'. Wow. That's so beyond disgusting.

I'd say comparatively, McDonald's was like the most healthy, organic food out there.

Meg said...

This is why I recommend GameBoys!!!

Kmommy said...

Oh my! Was that lady just there to watch other peoples' kids or what? ;) Baby B also sticks every nasty thing she finds into her mouth. Sadly there's no cure ;) even with careful watching, every small piece of something on the carpet goes right into her mouth.

 
template by suckmylolly.com : background by Tayler : dingbat font TackODing