Monday, December 22, 2008

That's It I'm Offically Old

This morning I decided I could no longer go outside with my coat unbuttoned. Due to my expanding waistline I was unable to warmly affix the coat to my body and since the temperature had fallen to a balmy -10 I thought buttoning the coat might be a necessity today.

The only way to accomplish buttoning my coat was to move the buttons. This would involve (gasp) sewing! Bravely facing the unknown I took out my needle and thread and began by threading the needle.

I noticed as I did this that the hole had gotten mysteriously smaller than it had been the last time I used it. In fact it was no longer a hole but a pore. An tiny itsty bitsy pore that dared me to try to put some thread though it. I squared my shoulders and decided to face the task head on. No microscopic needle hole was going to do me in! I cut the thread like a pro sucked on the end and began threading.

I held the needle as far away from me as I could hoping to use my telephoto sight to thread the needle. I pushed it through and success! I was not old! I was not loosing my sight! I was young and spry! I had done it in just one try!

Then I moved the needle and realized I was not the owner of a brand new threaded needle. I had threaded the air and that would not help move my buttons.

I went to the bathroom and turned on the bright lights. This was the kind of light that showed every blemish every ounce of cellulite. It was mean light and today it was my friend.

I held the needle and cut the thread again. This time I would not fail. I pushed and shoved and squinted and twisted but even in the bathrooms harsh light I could see that needle was no closer to being threaded than Elmo was to being the voice over for Darth Vader in Star War 105.


Finally I realized there was no choice. It was time to get out the big guns. My Granny glasses. The kind that costs $10 from the drugstore and fit in their own cardboard flowered carrying case. A real fashion statement. I stood in the bright light mean light looking like Old Mother Hubbard. Holding that needle out to the end of my arm dressed in my granny glasses bathed in the unforgiving bathroom glow. I battled and I grunted and a danced around but finally. It was done. The needle was threaded and I was victorious.

I looked up and both my kids were looking at me silently. I thought I could see pity in their eyes as they quietly shook their heads.

Get the walker out kiddies Granny's home.

21 comments:

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Thats funny, the other da I had to sew something and it took me longer to thread the needle than it did to accomplish the sewing and that was with a big ass needle hole.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I love that you have drugstore glasses. It's all downhill from there.

Ali said...

I have to hold needles at arm's length to thread them and my older kids now love to comment on my aged eyes. Try it, it sucks!

Connie Weiss said...

I am the young trophy wife...it is my husband that is headed for the home. I joke with him often that I will be getting him the hoverround electric scooter soon.

Susan said...

Take it from the Queen of Bifocals, drugstore glasses are just the beginning.

My Wonderful Men said...

We all get to that point but I don't like to think of it as getting older just wiser.

Valarie Lea said...

So far I am not there YET, but my sisters laugh an evil laugh and tell me "Oh its coming, you just wait!"

We are THAT Family said...

Yeah, me too. And I've added an electric blanket to my bed!

Laura said...

I am happy to have found your blog this morning!

I used to be fun, too....

adrienne said...

I remember the first time I couldn't thread a needle without glasses. That was a sad day.

April said...

Me? I take the sewing to grandma :)

Vered - MomGrind said...

Sigh. It happens to the best of us.

Cat said...

I love that the best metaphor you could come up with included Elmo and Star Wars sequels. Because there just wasn't anything more ludacris you could think of. I would have to agree on that point.

Erin said...

When I was 30 I went to the optometrist, and he told me I already need bifocals. He said, "But I don't want you to look old, so for now we'll forgo bifocals." GREAT, thanks.

Maybe my eyes are bad because I blog too much? Nah...

Ren said...

I think our eyes get old before the rest of our body does. At least my are.

momstheword said...

I don't need reminders like that. I have two children who keep coming up with "....oops, didn't mean to say that, mom" reminders.

Like when my oldest said "You should buy that, mom. It's ugly. It would look good on you." Then was embarrased when I burst out laughing because he didn't quite mean to say it that way, lol!

Apparently, I am reduced to "old lady" clothes now...sob! sniff! snort!

forgetfulone said...

I noticed the same thing - not being able to thread a needle, when I was trying to mend something last week. It sucks getting old.

April said...

growing old is so very much better than the alternative :-)

The Mrs. said...

did you have to push the walkers out of the way to get to the granny glasses?

this cold weather sucks. I know its supposed to invigorate but its just making me want to hibernate and this is just the beginning!!

Vodka Mom said...

I CANNOT help but laugh, laugh laugh!!!! I have done the holding the needle far away, get under a bright light!

Whew! I am still laughing right now.......

Debbie said...

I think my drugstore glasses must be sexy. Or maybe my husband's eyesight is a lot worse too and he doesn't know who he is grinning at. And yes, my needles no longer even have eyes at all. I don't know how that happened.

 
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