My Little Jackson Pollack

I think its amazing how B always gives me enough material to be able to write about him almost every day but he does. I guess he is a talented three year old. In fact this morning when I got to work he and his friend who is the daughter of a teacher at my school were playing in one of the classrooms while his mother and I sat and talked and took care of S and a few other babies. Suddenly it got quiet (always a bad sign) when we went in the classroom both children were in smocks and were painting the jungle gym. They in fact painted the whole slide. What I think is amazing besides the fact that we are both such neglectful parents is that they decided to at least wear smocks while they did it. You can see in the photo B is very very guilty and looks ready to cry while his partner in crime is quite proud of her accomplishments.

Pee Pee Hell- Tales From the Potty

Last night B tells me he has to go potty. I am busy nursing S so I tell him to go ahead without me. It gets really quiet. Too quiet. I finish nursing S put her down and walk into the bathroom. There is B climbing a step ladder with his pants around his ankles trying to pee on the wall. I try to pick him up and move him but it is too late. B begins to pee all over me the walls and toilet everything in the bathroom. I yell to him aim please aim! But he doesn't. I try to aim for him but it doesn't work and the steady stream of pee is relentless. I keep thinking God how much does this child drink during he day? I walk out of the bathroom covered from head to toe. B is covered and there is no place in the bathroom that is not dripping wet. Ain't potty training great.

On the dating front my daughter at 4 months old seems to have started a relationship with another baby. She's already rebelling the boy is not Jewish.

My Little Stunt Man

I got 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night ! Straight! I got up this morning and I had lost 2 pounds. Amazing! I bet if I could get 8 hours sleep I would wake up 5 pounds smaller. I am feeling a little more together today. I can see straight and I have yet to send out a terrible typo to lots and lots of people in an email for work. But there's still time.

B has taken to jumping right over S's head while she lays on the floor with his big clunky shoes. I know one of these days he's gonna land right on her. I keep telling him if he lands on her every time that short bus pulls up he'll know its his fault but that doesn't seem to impress him. He's even taken to doing it at school with other babies. Perhaps he is preparing to be an EvelKnievel type of guy and is practicing jumping over the Grand Canon. He also saw someone on TV doing stunts for about two seconds and now talks endlessly about getting a parachute. I'm glad we live on the first floor.

This constant danger is why S has learned to crawl at 4 months of age. She shimmies on her back with her legs pushing her along. Its takes a long time and doesn't get her too far but could end up saving her in a pinch.

I hope!

Please Sir May I Have Some Sleep

Today I am frazzled and sort of miserable. I was up again every two and half hours. I woke up and thought my life is just falling to pieces but then I thought maybe I am just delirious from no consecutive sleep. I mean I am sure they use this sort of torture in Gantanimo Bay. I keep hoping someone will come and offer me a full nights sleep but it never happens. Even on the weekend everyone gets to nap but me.

Last night I was sitting at home after a full days work with my kids. S would cry every time I got up. B was hungry. The laundry needed to be put away so did all the dishes. The dinner needed to be cooked, diapers needed to be changed, baths needed to be given. The dog needed a walk the apartment was a mess and I was alone and supposed to do it all. Somehow on top of this I am supposed to lose 40 pounds be well dressed and get it all together to run a school every day. I was just so overwhelmed I wanted to cry.

I'm not sure how people do this. I read blogs all the times of women who overcome horrific odds, run a family and work smiling all the time. I feel like I am barely holding it together most of the time and counting down the days to what I do not know. I love having my baby. I love holding her soft sweet smelling body next to mine. I even love the little squeak she does as she poos. She is more wonderful than I ever imagined she could be. I love my son so much I can barely breath. I love hearing his silly stories and watching his goofy dances. I love his gooey kisses on my cheek. I wouldn't trade them in for the world. I know I am lucky But hell I am so exhausted and overwhelmed I've never worked so hard in my life and I am a very hard worker. I hope I hope it gets easier or I figure out a better way to deal with this all.

I Cant Catch a Break

Sometimes it is the simple things I long for most. Like the ability to go to the potty without a little voice sweetly chiming Mommy...Mommy... Mommy...MOMMY I HAVE TA USE THE POTTY! MOMMY I GOTTA USE THE POTTY! I GOTTA GO! And as I run out I hear the dreaded comment "Don't have to go no more. Nothings coming out." Which of course results in wet shoes 10 min later.

So on Mondays I get to work with the wonderful expectation of using the potty all alone for a just a few beautiful minutes. I might even be able to wash my hands and not have to resort to Purell. So this morning I go and the minute I get settled I hear my co worker standing out side the bathroom. She jiggles the handle. I hear her sigh. She sighs louder and then announces "Who's in there I gotta go!" She proceeds to tell anyone who passes by she has to go and someone is always in there. I step out and pull rank. "Its me I'm your boss! I'm using the potty!" (Yes I said potty) I close the door and try to settle back in but its just not the same.

My Big Scary Stroller

I often curse my Phil and Ted stroller as being a rotten, stupid, huge, back breaking stroller but today I must sing its praises. My stroller kicks ass in the snow. I laughed as other strollers were stuck and moms pushed and cursed. I flew over snow dunes, I laughed at the hills and ice. It Rocked! Bring on the baby x games I am there with my big wheels and solid traction. My stroller can kick any other strollers butt.

My Life In Verse

I am feeling very sorry for myself as of late so I have created this poem to express my pain and general angst (and hunger) but really just to complain.

I'm so blue
What can I do
My weight is high
my cholesterol to the sky
We didn't get the apartment on which we bid
One bathroom with four of us what a way to live
My shoes are ugly
some friends are acting fugly
and I just wanna cry
or eat a big plate of cheese fries
The End

Not so great. Perhaps I could try this as a Limerick:

There once was a girl from New York
Who wanted cheese fries with a fork
She had ugly shoes
and her weight, health, bathroom situation, mean friends and general angst, gave her the blues
so she decided to give in and pork

Even worse. How about as a Haiku:

Cheese fries I love you
I am sad everything sucks
Boo hoo poor poor me

Much better.

My Poor Foot

I went to the foot doctor today and he would not give me a shot in my foot. Instead I must wear big ugly clunker shoes. Not that I was a fashion queen before but I am certainly not one now. I guess its all a part of getting old. Making that long slow trek to the bingo table (actually bingo sounds like fun.) eating the soft pudding (sounds pretty good too) wearing the housecoat of life (mmm.. comfy). OK maybe I'm actually old now or just plain tired. Anyway here is another gratuitous shot of B.

Why Do That?

Some grown up people in my life are just being awful. The drama these adults try to create both in my social life and professional life is just plain silly. Life in my opinion is dramatic enough without creating situations that just don't exsist. When I was younger I used to think that kind of thing was fun stirring up silly trouble. But now I am just too tired and too busy for all of that. But it did manage to get me down and made me blue. B came and sat on my lap and gave me kisses. He told me a story about a dragon and how he rescued me from a castle. S batted her beautiful blue eyes and held on tight to my finger and all was right with the world again...at least until we get home and all hell breaks loose.

I Dropped the Baby

It finally happened. I dropped the baby. She was a little red but fine and I the bad bad mommy I am wracked with guilt. I know I am not the first nor will I be the last to drop the baby but oh boy! Bad bad mommy! At least I didn't leave her on the hood of my car.

Mommy?

I woke up this morning only to discover I cannot talk. B woke up and I informed him of my condition through my painful painful throat. So in response he said , "Mommy... (I nod) Mommy... (I nod again) Mommy... (I grunt) Mommy.... (I nod and grunt) Mommy.....Mommy...Mommy.... (WHAT!) You can not talk? (I nod) Mommy... Mommy... Mommy... (Yes, I hiss through the broken glass that seems to be filling my throat.) Why you no talk? (I'm sick B it hurts to talk) Mommy...Mommy...Mommy... (WHAT?) You sick? (I nod) Mommy...(I nod again) Mommy...Mommy (Yes, I croak as I can feel blood leaking into my vocal cords.) Why you sick? Mommy..Mommy..Mommy?

Happy Valentines Day

I Got Flowers!! Yea! ....more later

Yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to get some Valentines Day cards for the kids in B's class. I remember as a kid getting Valentines Day cards and how much fun it was (until you got to the age where some kids got them and others didn't. Then it was no fun.) For a blissful few years hidden in each desk was a few mass produced cartoon character cards professing the virtues of friendship. Even though you knew everyone got one you still felt special and proud.

So with this in mind I bought B Disney Princess cards (he chose them)and a bunch of stickers to decorate them with. We set it all up in the living room and got down to work. I asked him so who do you want to send this one to. "I wanna send it to B" "O.k.? How about this one?" "This one to B" "How about we choose someone else in your class?" "No this one to B" and so it went until a giant temper tantrum erupted. I wonder if the precious memories I have this day night have been a little different on my mom's side as well.

Chocolates for everyone! No have some. They wont get you fat this way.

Oh one last thing I have nominated myself for some blogger award. Yes I did. I'm bad but you can vote for me by going to the nomination button at the side of the page.
No pressure.

.

B's Dream

B had two bad dreams last night. The first was a giant turtle was eating him. But the second was much more involved. He dreamed there was a lion with a long paw. It turned into a man. The man ran out of the house. He ran up into the sky. His house was there. He looked at all the lions down below and Grandpa's house. And he never was a lion again.

I Should Have Seen It Coming

Last night B was determined to throw me over the edge of sanity. All the way home from work he was screaming that he wanted macaroni and cheese from Boston Market. Apparently he would be happy to only eat this for the rest of his life. I however had made pasta which was terribly terribly wrong.

I got him home and the crying and whining continued. B then got it in his head that baby sister had pushed him. I explained she was just a baby and couldn't locate her feet let alone push him. B declared he HATED HER!! After much calming I bribed him to eat his pasta by giving him 3 taco chips. I left the room for two seconds to draw a bath and heard wild happy screeches coming from the baby. When I returned she was completely covered in pasta. B had apparently thrown handfuls on her and she thought it was great. I did not and when I peeled the cold noodles from her body I found that she had broken out in red spots wherever the pasta had touched. B went straight in time out which made me an evil mommy. When I returned B declared he loved Baby Sister and forgave her for the bulling she had wrongly submitted him to.

So it was bath time. B got in first. I bathed him and we talked about the wonders of the universe. Where fish live and if there was a shark in the bathtub. He asked me if boys could have babies and I explained it was just a girl thing but he could be a great Daddy someday . I then bathed the baby. After a little while I took her out and got her all dressed and warm while B finished floating around and playing with a small bucket (how could I have not seen this coming) and within seconds the baby was soaked head to toe. Yup. That'll teach Baby Sister to push him. Baby sister did not like that so much and started to scream. B started to jump up and down and scream. The dog began to bark and I was out of wine.

If stress could help you loose weight I would look like Kate Moss right now.

Germie Babies

I had a good weekend. I finally feel like I am getting myself together. I got a fabulous new hair do. Which I loved because the hairdresser/life coach kept telling me I had such a pretty face (I know they say that to fat girls but I ate it up). I painted my nails and even got some highlights, very fancy. I also went out with an old friend Postacademic this weekend to my local baby friendly bar had a few drinks and talked about what old ladies we have become.

Now I'm back at work where chicken pox is rampant and my little angle blew gas so badly that I had to leave the nursing room lest I succumbed to the fumes. S has now discovered the bouncy seat. She seemed a bit shocked but at least it seems to keep her above the other germie babies.

In the Last 48 Hours

This is a picture of the tumor on the nerve in my foot. It is not cancerous and it has not occurred because I am fat! So take that nasty Doctor man! I have to wear this painful bone separator for a few days and see if I can take a cortisone shot while I am nursing if that does not work.

In the last 48 hours I have heard that I am dying and that I have a tumor in my foot. Not a stellar week. I think at this point I should dress myself in a Teflon suit and prepare myself for the worst.

I have this They Might be Giants kids song called Never Go to Work going over and over in my head. All night when I tried to sleep I kept singing it. Perhaps this is also signaling my demise. I hope this weekend will have no nasty surprises in store for me.

A Big Poopy Flood

S woke up this morning at 4am. She apparently had a lot to say about things cause she chatted on until it was time to get up. I'm sure she was discussing my cholesterol. Why not? It seems to be the talk these days. At least S thinks I'm beautiful and not at all fat (as I get to choose the topic of the conversation and meaning of the words I'm going with that interpretation). She in fact thinks I look great and should consider a plus sized modeling career. Good girl S good girl.

When I got to work B excused himself and came running back in with his pants around his ankles screaming his poopy was floating across the classroom. Oh yes major toilet flood and I was the one to solve it BEFORE COFFEE!!!! Oh the inhumanity!

I am pretty distracted not only due to my lack of sleep but due to my horrible phone call yesterday. I really hate that Doc. I hate to use this so much but it must be done. Doc here's to you.

The Tale of Fatty Fat Fat Continue

Update:

Ring Ring






Hello

YOU'RE GONNA DIE!






Excuse me?





THIS IS YOUR DOCTOR! YOU'RE GONNA DIE! YOUR CHOLESTEROL IS 300!!!!





O.k. Thanks for letting me know.










YOU KNOW WHY THIS IS?


Family history? My Grandmother had 400 cholesterol and lived to 98.


IT'S CAUSE YOU'RE FAT!!!! LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE WEIGHT NOW!




O.K. thanks for the advice!












NO I MEAN IT! ALL IS LOST YOUR KIDS WILL HAVE NO MOTHER JUST A GRAVE! A FAT GRAVE!


O.k. but we went through this before and I lost 20 pounds and my number went up 20 points. It's genetic. I am trying to lose weight but as I said before I JUST HAD A BABY!

YOUR BABY WILL HAVE A DEAD MOTHER A DEAD FAT MOTHER!! ALL BECAUSE YOU ARE FAT!!!!! FAT!!!!




OK I got it will do. Thanks so much.....fatty.

The Tales of Fatty Fat Fat

So you can almost guess how the doctor's appointment went:



Maybe if you lost some weight your foot wouldn't hurt so much.




Must not say it....promised hubby..must not






I mean with all of that pressure on your foot who wouldn't have a problem?




I mean look at the guy he's fatter than me..must keep my cool





Well I'll give you a referral to a pediatrist but it should really be to a dietition. I mean really if you lost 10-20-30 pounds your foot will be right as rain.




Am keeping cool can do it. Just a few more minutes.





We may have to put you on crutches to take ALL that extra weight off your foot.



That's it. Stop saying I'm fat!!! Do you think I wanna be this size I just had a baby you rotten man! And look at you! You're no slimderella. Give me that referral you fatty!




And so it goes

Fatty Fat Fat

I am in even a worse mood today. Everyone is getting on my nerves. There seems to be little that does not annoy me at this point. My spell check wont work. Everyone is coming in late. And my house is in constant shambles no matter how much I clean it. Arghhhh....

I am going to the doctor today. My foot has been hurting since I was pregnant. I know he is going to tell me it is because I'm a fatty fat fat. If he says anything of the sort I will have to sock him one. Hubby says I'm not allowed to shout "NO YOU'RE FAT!" Like I did with the OBY/GYN So a sock in the jaw it is.

Poor little S is going to the doctor too today. It is her 4 month shots. It is so awful the look of betrayal the tears and S has a hard time too. I hope she'll be ok. I know I wont. So I must sayAgain!

2:45- Just came back from S's doctor. She could not get her shots as she was exposed to chicken pox and she is still in the incubation period. So she has a two week reprieve from the Governor. Whew!

Miffed and Pissed

I am in a foul mood!

Half the teachers have something better to do than go to work or stay at work and so we are very short staffed. What gets me rilled is its hard on the kids when this happens and as I have two kids who go here so I get really upset. I guess I have an old fashioned kind of work ethic. The kind where you show up and then goof off not the other way around. In fact I barely missed a day of High School except when it was Senior Cut Day and you have to miss that.

I am also miffed because It is my... gulp...20th High School reunion is coming up. I cant go as it will be held on the First Night of Passover (which also gets me miffed) also no one invited me...which started me having all those bad High School feelings again. I got angry about things that happened about well lets see 20 years ago. I have been seriously pissed off about a fight I got into in 1987 . Hows that for useless. I am so glad I am not in High School right now. Poor B and S all those wonderful humiliating and isolating moments are still in front of them. At least I don't have to go on some crazy crash diet for the reunion I'll just stay fat, happy and full of hate.

Wadaya tink?

I'm trying out some new templates. Let me know what you think.

Dog, Bars and Other Stuff

I had this dream last night that Hubby and I decided to go out to a bar. When I suggested hiring a baby sitter he told me I was uptight and the dog could do it. I reluctantly went with him but kept thinking I really should have hired a baby sitter. My mom was at the bar and when she heard I left the dog to look after the kids she got really upset. I ran home and the baby was crying so I yelled at the dog who gave me a dirty look and walked away.