Lies My Mother Told Me

My mother was a quick thinking woman who came up with some good lies on the spur of the moment. These are my two favorites:

Mouse Mattresses. When I was little I found a maxi pad. I asked my mother what it was and she told me it was a mouse mattress. That at night mice would have a nice place to sleep if they wandered into her closet. We still call them mouse mattresses to this day.

I was bought from the grocery store with Green Stamps. When I asked her where babies came from she told me I was bought from the supermarket with green stamps. When I found a book of new ones in her draw when I was around five I went into a tail spin thinking we were getting a new baby in the house. She calls me Suzie Green Stamps now for my middle name.

I hope to be as creative and quick in the lies I tell my children. I have some big shoes to fill for sure.

I don't think I will have any Internet access this week but I will be posting daily (thank you post scheduler). I'll be sure to respond to all comments when I return next Monday.

Hubby To The Rescue

I'm not trying to complain(who me no never) its just not my style (yeah right) but now I can see why women usually get stuck doing the child raising. Its not that were better (we so are) its just that we're... hmm... whats the right word... a little more focused.

Last night when Hubby came home I ran into the bedroom shut and locked the door and tried to take a little disco nap before making dinner. Fifteen minutes later I was awakened by a sad little voice calling, "Mommy...Mommy... Mommy...Mommy...Mommy...Mommy..."

I stumbled bleary eyed out of the bedroom and found B sitting on the potty every magazine was strewn around him on the floor along with an entire roll of toilet paper unravelled and wet. "Mommy...I went poopy." I looked around for my hubby and there was no sign. I looked into the living room and there was S munching on something very crunchy I ran into the other room and pried a piece of wood out of her mouth. Still no hubby. I cleaned up the bathroom and helped B wipe while giving S some cheerios to help her forget about her delicious meal of wood.

I wandered into the kids room and there was my Hubby laying on the floor talking on the phone. He shushed me when I went to ask him what on earth was going on. Important phone call I guess. I love my Hubby I do and he is a great Dad but really.... Next time I think it might just be less work to stay awake.

I Just Wanna Sleep!

I'm so tired so very very tired. I went to bed at 4:30am. I have to get up at 5:45am to go to work. S was up clapping and smiling and cooing. Very cute unless it is all night long. I have no idea what happened. She used to be a good sleeper. I think, maybe I dreamt that part. Ok I think she used to sleep a little. But each night its gotten worse and worse. Now I'm getting around an hour and 15 minutes of sleep.

I had a really really really big coffee this morning but because I am nursing it was DECAF!!! DECAF!!!!! It's too cruel! I need my beauty sleep, my zzzz's my sandman, my shipping off to lala land. I need a nap!

Not So Wordless Wednesday

I 's I really do

but after getting up every night at and
and

I tend to get a little





maybe I'll just get a next time I hear their much ier

A Very Sexy Me

Last night I went out by myself to read and have a martini...I mean coffee and read a book for a few minutes of alone time. A very rare thing by the way. They had these wonderful bread sticks at the bar I mean coffee shop. I grabbed one and started chomping away and part of it fell down my shirt and down my very large and ugly nursing bra. (When I take this thing off at night I find parts of muffins, Altoids and even pretzels down the front of it.) I started picking bread stick out of my bra when I looked up and saw this man looking at me. He smiled. Believe it or not he was flirting with me.

I remember a time when I would walk past construction sites and be barraged with cat calls and lurid suggestions and now nothing. Its like a woman with a handful of crying babies with baby food and snot sticking to her clothes wearing maternity clothes cause she still hasn't lost the baby weight, is just invisible. Its sort of sad and now I find myself sort of missing those cat calls. Is that terrible?

Anyway here I was not invisible in fact I was being looked at in that way. I was shocked. So shocked in fact that when I went to take a sip of my drink I spilled it down the front of my shirt. So now I had soggy bread sticks down my bra and a martini I mean coffee dripping off my face and shirt. Boy I am one sexy chick. When I went home I told my husband about my adventure he made some wonderful comment like of course he thought you were sexy you're a very sexy woman (I love my hubby). Then he paused and said but you might want to check the mirror you have a green thing between your front teeth.

Boy I sure do know how to turn the sexy on.

Prickers and Mole

Last night we all went out to meet my sister in law's new boyfriend. We took the kids and went to this fancy Mexican restaurant. It was fun but of course after an hour B's foot was in the guacamole and S was spitting Cheerios across the table. In short they had had it. I started shoveling the chicken mole down my throat as fast as I could knowing I would have to run out in the next few minutes. I'm sure I really impressed him with chocolate sauce all down the front of my shirt (yes we are a very classy family).

B walked into another section of the dining room and emerged a few minutes later and announced he wanted to go home and go to bed. I was stunned never has that child uttered those words. I put the kids in the stroller packed up my two tons of toys, extra clothes, food, sippy cups and all the other accoutrement's ones needs to take children into a restaurant for an hour and left.

As we got down the block B holds up his hands and says my hands hurt. I looked at his hands and they were completely covered in cactus prickers. I guess when he went into the other room he grabbed a cactus and was too scared to tell anyone. We sat on the street where the sunlight was the best and for the next 40 min I picked cactus quills out of my poor sons hand with a tweezer. The best spot for the sunlight was in front of this very trendy gay club. By the time my husband arrived to help there were about 5 very scantly clad gay men surrounding the stroller throwing out ideas for cactus quill removal. My husband thought for some reason you should pee on it. I reminded him that was for jellyfish and not for cactus quill removal. It was all very surreal.

Poor B were still finding stickers this morning. I guess the best I can say for that experience is at least he didn't sit on it and I am sure it is something he'll never do twice....well at least not three times...well hopefully he'll learn

My Scale Is A Flithy Liar

Since February I have been actively trying to loose the baby weight as I blew up like a giant balloon full of eggs, cheese and baby while pregnant (I tend to gain a lot and I mean a lot of weight while pregnant). So now I am trying to get back to anything resembling a pre-baby me. I weigh and measure every scrap that I put in my mouth like some kind of crazed lunatic. And each morning I jump on the scale hoping to see those numbers go down way way down.


This morning I jumped on the scale and it listed my weight as.... hmmm... lets say 125 pounds (so, so, not true not even close I haven't weighed that since high school but the number, for my very large post baby frame was OK especially since vacationing and eating like a steam shovel in a quarry full of pizza and soft serve ice cream). I get in the shower humming a little its not so bad I'm not so fat tune. I get out of the shower happy in the knowledge that I am not so fat and for some masochistic reason I hop back on the scale.

Suddenly I am 3 pounds heavier. Three pounds! I move the scale a little and now I weight 4 pounds more. Did I unknowingly eat an entire Papa Johns barbecued pizza between the shower and the scale? Did I somehow unknowingly fall on four pounds of chocolate and eat it all while unconscious? Or perhaps as my father has suggested the gravity is just a little bit different in different parts of my bathroom?

Whatever it is I think my scale is messing with me and it is just plain mean.

Get Over It Already!

I'm back at work
the vacation is over
I wish I had found a four leaf clover
to keep me in pools with frozen drinks
that I cant get that daily really stinks
Instead the dog's hair is all tangled the baby stinky
my son is crying he hurt his pinkie
my work is crazy the parents nutty
all the paper work has put me in a rutty

But I can dream of green pastures growing
If I win the lotto some more fun will I be sowing

I shouldn't complain I'm very lucky
my life is good not not very sucky
I have my hubby and babies two
and the pregnancy test I took yesterday thank goodness was not blue (Now that was scary!)
so I will stop my whining and kvetching
and think about how later a nice glass of wine I will be fetching

Actually I'm going away the July 4th week so I really should just stop it but I love writing poems.

(Semi) Wordless Wednesday

My son falling off the stage during a hip hop show




My son after he fell off stage





Yes you must all sit through my terrible quality vacation photos for all time! It is my evil curse! Commence evil laughter!

Why My Son Will Be In A Crib Until College

My son sleeps in a very large crib. Its really like a twin bed with bars on it like a mini jail. I know many people think he is too old for a crib (he is after all an old geezer at the age of three) but they don't know my boy.

On vacation he had to sleep in a regular twin bed no bars he had been set free from his baby jail. We shuddered in fear.

The first night at 3am I leapt out of bed with the feeling someone was watching me. There was B standing at the edge of the bed just staring at me like that little girl in poltergeist. It was very creepy. At least he wasn't holding a butcher knife or wearing a mask or anything.

The next night B came into bed with me at 6am (much better) I put my arms around him to snuggle up and put my hand on his bare bottom. I asked him where his pants were and he said "I went poopy mommy" Uh oh! I went into the bathroom he had indeed went poopy but instead of toilet paper he used every towel in the bathroom to wipe. It was a poop fest indeed

The next night was fine no problems no staring creepy kid, no late night poop but in the morning this is what I found.

Somehow he had climbed in bed with his sister. I have no idea how it happened but it did.

So obviously am not one of those parents who feel the need to move my son into a big boy bed. Not now at least. In fact I am happy to keep him in the crib until he is like um..... 15.

I'M BACK!

You are all so wonderful commenting while I was gone. I loved having all the great comments to read upon returning. I am relaxed tan and hung over. It was a great trip (other than the flying). I read and ate and ate and ate and drank and ate.....wonderful! You can tell I'm relaxed as I keep using the word wonderful.

We got in yesterday after a very long flight. We circled for two hours over the airport and than sat for another hour on the tar mack while we waited for a parking space for the plane. S cried and screamed but was drowned out by two other children who were much louder. At one point the father of the kids stared yelling "Two kids for sale! Going cheep!" I felt his pain. But was very happy when some other passengers commented on how good my kids had been on the flight. Lets hear it for S's less efficient lunges.

Upon returning I realized how no elves had come to my rescue while I was gone. Why is it when returning from a vacation you always realize how small and dirty your place is....oh maybe that's just me.

Anyway I'm back. I forgot my camera I did can you believe it? But I took lots of cell phone snaps so now you'll have to sit through all my endless holiday slides.... this is me by the pool...this is me next to the pool. This is a guy I don't know next to the pool. Oh yes it will be a fun few posts. For now here is a picture of little S enjoying the pool.

Little Golden Books That Never Made It

Little Golden Books That Never Made It

Little Golden Books That Never Made It

(Don't blame me I ripped this off from an email....)

• You 're Different and That's Bad

• The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

• Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

• Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

• The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

• Some Kittens Can Fly

• The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

• Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

• Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

• Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

• That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

Top 10 reasons I have had to get off the phone

1. To stop my son from licking the baby
2. To stop my son from licking the dog
3. To stop my son from peeing on the floor
4. To stop my son from peeing on the dog
5. To stop the baby from trying to French kiss the dog
6. To stop the baby from licking the dog (ahh I see a pattern developing)
7. To take a diaper off of the dog
8. To refill a sippy cup with chocolate milk no not that one the one in the box not not that one NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. To take a sandel out of the toilet
10. Cause Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh It's MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    

Another Not So Wordless Wednesday

I am on vacation. I only hope it meets all of my expectations.

I hope I am here

And not here


Doing this

But not this


I think if I don't get this



I'll quit!

Any Elves Out There?

Note to any Elves that may be blogging today:

Please feel free to sneak into my apartment while I'm on vacation and clean everything. I know you guys fix shoes so you never know cleaning may be a speciality too. The clutter in my apartment has reached such a new high that I feel the only way to concur it is to either move or rent a steam shovel. So any compulsively clean elves please feel free...really...

Please note: This does not include elves with:
a police record for burglary
crack problems
gang tattoos
or mice disguised as elves

I Still Have A Lot To Say

I am not here I am gone
I left my blog to carry on
I'm on vacation it is true
so I will not be feeling blue
right now I hope I'm in the sun
drinking a margarita or three and having fun
But while I'm gone my bloggy friends
I will still be posting it will not end
I can still ramble away even though I am not here today
I still have lots of wonderful things to say
every darned day (no really I prepared for this I've been scheduling posts you know the drill their really funny posts, no really I promise)
So carry on reading and comment too
and when I return I will get back to you
doo dee doo dee doo

24 Hours

When I was younger B.K. (Before kids) I traveled the world. I went to Turkey, Spain, Israel, Zambia. It was no problem for me. I would pack a carry on or a back pack and off I would go. I would survive on $20 a day staying in youth hostels and sleazy hotels. I loved to travel. I even learned how to say "I did not do it. Please take me to the American Embassy in Turkish."

Now getting two kids and one husband to a nice resort for a week is just an overwhelming task. S suddenly has developed a raging ear infection, B is miserable. Hubby is panicked and I am overwhelmed and ready to cry.

My one small case has turned into two huge cases and as many carry on's as my arms can hold. My sweet Hubby has more clothes in his suitcase than all of us combined.

I dont need any phrases in Turkish but I am sure I will use many other phrases such as sit down, stop that, no!!!!!!!!!! frequently.

The first time I traveled with B we sat down in our seats and a gentleman sat next to us wearing all WHITE!!!!!! I apologized in advance and as we took off I saw the look of horror on his face as green snot leaked out of my sons nose. B spent the flight with a spontaneous nose bleed that wouldn't stop. B cried and cried. When the man got off the plane (Somehow he was the first out) his white suit was streaked with peanut butter crayons and snot.

I am hoping hoping for a better trip this time. Just 24 more hours.....

Poor B

This morning was crazy. It started out with B pooping all over and trailing the poop all across the classroom leaving little piles of poop as he went. I handled it like a professional threatening him with diapers and no bubble gum on the plane (we leave for a weeks vacation on Saturday).

Later work got even crazier. Two teachers were out we had two new children start and the morning was extremely chaotic. In the middle of the chaos I turn around and my son is standing buck naked in the middle of the room. His arms stretched up to the ceiling and at the start of a mad naked dash across the classroom.

B spent the rest of the morning in his cubbie with a blanket wrapped around him. I took him out to Old Mc Donalds to spend a little time with him and see what was wrong. Trying to get that information out of a three year old is like asking a llama to recite the pledge of allegiance. But he was very happy to get out of school and get a happy meal toy anyway.

Its not like him. We are going on a week long vacation on Saturday maybe it that. (You'll guys will be here when I get back right? I'll have some great posts when I'm away set up with the scheduler. Really I will. I'll visit your blogs when I get back and comment a whole lot. Really! Great now I have abandonment issues and Im worried about B!) He switching classrooms soon...could be the baby..maybe he's been abducted by a UFO who knows.

Wordless Wednesday

I hate flying. It really scares me. I wish I had never watched that movie you know the one about the kids and that plane



I don't think it helps that I love that show either

At least I never watched cause that just seemed silly.

But no matter how many movies or tv shows I watch about scary airplanes I think what really scares me is traveling with two small children. My mind goes crazy with the possibilities:


or

or even



I guess It's all up to fate and a good might help too.




Bon Voyage!

Thank You Thank You

S has learned how to clap and she loves it. It is sweet and cute but it also gives one a false sense of importance. When I enter a room I do so to a round of applause. When I sing a song more applause whatever I say is followed by clapping. When I whipped up some stained carrots and rice cereal I know I deserve it. I feel like whatever I say or do is of profound importance worthy of the applause I receive. Its been so long since Ive had a standing ovation for my rendition of Itsy Bitsy it just feels right.

After S went to bed last night I made my famous black bean burritos for my Hubby I put it down on the table and nothing.... I waited for my applause. I looked at my Hubby he looked at me. He smiled I waited he smiled again. Thanks he said as he started eating. I almost woke S up to get my well deserved whoop whoop.

Now if I can just get her to raise the roof I'll be all set.

The Monster Strikes Again

This weekend my wonderful son was once again replaced with the dreaded monster. I have no idea what happened when the monster arrived but he had a great time. He threw chocolate milk at our baby sitter. He peed in the bank he peed on the carpet and he peed on the side of the crib (from the outside!). The monster tried to push the swimming teacher into the pool. He ripped off all his clothes in Bed Bath and Beyond and pooped on the floor.

I tried everything to get through to the monster. I tried talking threatening, yelling, time outs, consequences, Every time I tried to talk, threaten, cajole, time out the monster he would look up at the sky and chant …Nya nya nya. Obviously a monster war cry.

Finally I bought the monster a hot dog for lunch. (I know I know bad Mommy hot dogs are evil but I was desperate). The monster took the hot dog and threw it at my hubby and clocked him right between the eyes. That was it. I picked that monster up threw him over my shoulder and carried him right out of the eating establishment. I took him outside and that monster looked at me and I saw fear in its eyes. I took out my pointer finger you know the angry one and I waved it in that monsters face.

I was at the end of my rope the edge of my ledge the corner of my microwave shelf metaphorically speaking. I yelled and waved and pointed and tried very very hard not to whack that monster right in the seat of the pants. Finally after what seemed like a life time of yelling and finger waving that monster seemed to shrink. He backed up and ran away and my sweet little boy looked up at me and said I’m sorry mommy. I don’t know why but it had worked. Maybe it was the malice in my eyes or I had hypnotized him with my finger but whatever it was I had won the monster was gone….at least for today!